Friday, 24 June 2011

Wagon Wheels

The wheels are off the wagon! They've rolled away. One is too far to reach. Another is behind a tuft of grass. Yet another was too lazy and has simply fallen on its side right next to the wagon. The forth wheel? I couldn't even be bothered looking. What is with all the talk about wagons and wheels? Ok, I'll get to that. I know, I rambling.

I spoke with someone today who in sharing their own experience shed light on mine. When I'm well, everything else is. Why? Because I can be in control. When I am unwell, I am unable to be in control. And, my inability to master my realm bugs me. Today, I have been bugged. It's all quite selfish really. Isn't it? That's how we are wired though aren't we? To think of ourselves first. It really takes a conscious decision to be able to put others first. Please, tell me I'm not alone.

Anyway, the wagon. Last night, child number two was restless. I was restless too. So, another interrupted sleep. I can't keep doing this. To have finished the day on such a high and then for it to come crashing down, again, was no good.

When the house stirred at the rise of a new day, I was not ready. I was tired and sick. Before I was out bed, I made an appointment with my G.P. My chemo status allowed me to jump the queue. This is no perk. It's for my sanity.

As we were preparing to leave, for the appointment, child number one remarked, "Life is hard". What was I to say to that? It broke my heart to think that my child, so young, should come to such an understanding. What could I say? She's right. Life is hard. So, I confirmed her observation and then reassured her with love. It seems that I am not the only one to be learning some tough lessons.

I walked out of my appointment with a blood test referral and a just-in-case script for antibiotics. But essentially, I just needed to rest.

I did not feel sick. No vomiting. No nausea. No sore belly. No aches and pains. No headache. I was just unable to do anything. Not even my children could motivate me. Is that bad? I felt bad for that.

Today was definitely another day of tears. Some physical signs as well, point to the fact that I must be entering the temporary/permanent menopausal state (it's a chemo thing). I feel very much on edge, all the time. I do not want to hear loud voices. I do not want to hear the same sound twice. Let's face it, I have become one of those grumpy old women from the ABC show! Noooo! ( I must resist the urge to buy 20 so...strong). Just kidding.

This round of chemo has hit me harder. My hair has been hurting again and it wasn't until I looked through my make-up compact and back into my mirror that I saw cancer, for the first time, staring right back at me. I still do not consider myself as someone battling cancer. That's for others. So, when I saw the back of my skull devoid of hair I was scared. This is what cancer looks like. Cancer is a bald, old man (sorry guys, no offence). He has no face. No hair. And, I saw him. I was scared. I am scared. My jokes about not having to shave, the novelty of wigs and my holiday came crashing down in that moment.

And then, do you know what? People came to help. A very generous gift was received today, lots of encouraging support was given and some cheery helpers came to fix the wagon.

Let's face it, I would never try to fix my car. Because I can't. Today, I can't fix the wagon. And while it has been hard I have allowed others to be me, to take control and get the job done. As for me, I have contributed nothing. Another lesson? Could it be that there are times where one needs to do nothing in order for other people to be given the opportunity to be an active citizen? Nah! That's just me trying to justify doing nothing today. I don't know.

Either way, I have reached the end of the day with a loving husband, two treasures and far too many super-terrific family and friends to count. Get over yourself, Alicia! One or two off days out of 30 good years? Tomorrow will be a fresh start. And, if it's not... Well, I might just concentrate on one day at a time.

(Sorry about all the wagon talk)

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