Wednesday, 22 June 2011

The Aftermath

As I had guessed, I was not the most sick and miserable human in our house last night. By the time the husband and I were ready for bed, child number two began to stir. From eight weeks old this child has slept in a cot all through the night. So neither of us are used to getting up. That fact coupled with the enormity of a chemo day was only going to mean one thing - the world's most tired mama in the morning! I tried to settle our sick baby in the cot. I tried to calm our snotty baby in our bed. Futile. This child was so unhappy that no position was going to produce any sleep; for anyone.

I took our wiggly bundle into the T.V. room. I cranked the heater and tried to get comfortable in a beanbag. I threw a blanket over the two of us and allowed my little one to squirm and squirm and squirm and squirm...(you get the picture, I'm sure). The squirming lasted until the sun came up. For real. There was probably a half hour to an hour reprieve (I was too scared to check the time at all during the night), when the squirmiest baby in the world settled. I caught a bit of shut-eye then. But, I think its fair to call it a sleepless night.

That morning, I cooked breakfast for the family and took my meds (yeah, I'm starting to get up with the medical lingo). I sat at the table ready to eat my breakfast when not once, twice, or three times, no. Child number two puked four times all over me, down their pyjamas and the floor! A lack of appetite meant that no breakfast came up. It was literally mucous. Obviously, it was great news that this was out and not in. But really, was it so necessary to happen now. I flash-backed to the oncologist's remark that I not "bathe in their mucous". This was it. I was bathing in mucous. It was time for the husband to leave for work and as it looked as though that was the end of the mucous show I carefully balanced the mucous and my child all the way to the bathroom. There was another puke there. I didn't get any though... After my beautiful, but unhappy, child had a decent play in the bath, I decided it was time for a nap; a whole hour before schedule.

Once nap time was initiated, I began to feel the effects of my new combination of drugs. That combo was a mistake! The pramin made me feel so woozy I was quickly reminded why I always refused drugs (of any kind) unless it was absolutely necessary. Pretty ironic. I forego the paracetamol for a headache yet here I was in the midst of chemo drugs. I didn't feel sick. I just felt weird. Should I just sleep? Go out in the sun? Eat? Watch television? I did all of these things. Nothing was right. Nothing was comfortable. And, nothing was making the weird sensation any less. When some helpers arrived, I took to my bed with my ipod. That was what I needed. The ipod has been a great distraction for me.

When I awoke, I didn't have much of an appetite. This is distressing to me; lack of appetite. Not desiring food is my body's way of saying I can't take this. I can't think about anything other than getting better. It's a clear sign of being unwell. I forced myself to eat soup. It wasn't even much but boy was it an effort. I did very little and I was honestly very happy for the children to have a nap so that I could join in on the sleep.

Oh and by the way, I had the needle. A good friend gave it to me in my belly at 5.45pm. I had a great supportive audience too! I didn't faint. Yeah! Only time will tell if I get the aches and pains tomorrow. I was pretty fearful of the needle. But I am very much anxious to see how my body reacts to it. Nervous for sure!

By the end of the day, child number two had had two very long naps. This was a good sign. Things were returning to their routine. Oh how I love routine! Children who nap well, sleep well. Right? I can't believe that I was tired after having slept most of the day away. But, I was. Once both children were in bed and I had finished up what I needed to get done I happily slunk into bed. I closed my eyes and prayed that both children would get the rest that we all needed.

P.S. As I read over today's entry, to edit, I saw quite clearly that today was definitely one of my lowest while on chemo. It was. That's for sure. But, I really don't want to be down. I want to share how I feel and my experiences but I do not want to be overcome by this. I have much to be thankful for and I am so fortunate to have the support that I have. It is important that I add that at the end of the day both children were dancing to Natasha Bedingfield's "Angel" with their balloons. So sweet! Life can be normal, even when cancer decides to visit.

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