Food Diary - Day 4

I made it to noon! I didn't feel off today either. The trick was to keep busy.

Child one and two requested pumpkin soup for breakfast. I was very pleased with that, because all that I needed to do was warm their dishes of soup in the microwave. What a treat to not have to heat up the fry pan.

Child one was sent to school with the last of the pumpkin soup, a pear, apple puree and a brownie.

Before lunch, child two and I headed to "the farm" for some organic produce. We were lucky enough to get some free range, bug-eating-chicken eggs. Apparently, the less grain chickens are fed and the more bugs they eat the better their eggs are for you. So, for lunch we had lamb curry, (and the following are all from the farm), one fried egg, avocado, cabbage and tomato. It was the best meal ever! You can imagine how much I enjoyed that meal having not eating for 16 hours. I did a few pushpresses and "pullups" (still trying to the master these) just before I broke the fast.

This is where I get a little embarrassed about sharing my paleo food diary with those who may not do this. In fact, if I had to tell my 29 year old self what I would be eating at 31, I would think it was weird. Like, what is wrong with you? But here it is. I gave the children their dinner early (seems to be coming routine...) and was feeling a little peckish as I prepared it. Child number one decided that they only wanted half an egg, so I thought I'd just have the other half. It seemed silly just to eat an egg on its own. Let me tell you about silly. So, to the half fried egg on the plate I added some chilli tuna (an Aldi brand), avocado and tomato. I guess this meal is equivalent to having cheese and tomato crackers; it's quick, easy, not too filling. There. I said it. Paleo peeps may find this meal ok. To others, I get it if you think that perhaps we have just overstepped the mark on this food thing.

A big meal wasn't so necessary tonight, after having had that "snack". I warmed up some roast chicken in the fry pan. And then, fried an egg in the juices. Last week, there were no spinach leaves, at the farm, because flooding had destroyed the crops. This week I bought a decent sized bag. With dairy out the picture, we tend to eat a lot of spinach because it's a good source of calcium. Anyway, that, tomato, capsicum and avocado completed the meal.

The family have not made any complaints about the use of coconut oil in the cooking so it mustn't have an overpowering flavour. Good. Talking about coconut oil...there is some research that suggests that it can reverse or slow down Alzheimer's. I will need to read up a bit more on this. Those of you who have had chemo or know someone who has will understand "chemo brain". Some strange, and scary side effects, of chemotherapy are still being studied by the medical profession. And, one of these is the effect the drugs can have on the patient's memory. Anyway, this video I watched, which freaked me out a little, was saying that chemo can bring on alzheimer's. This is what I'm thinking. First of all, read more about it. Then, try and include foods that will counteract the disease.

Before bed, I'm going to finish the night off with a cup of rooibos tea. The end.

The Year That Was

On this day last year, I celebrated my big 3-0. The husband arranged for another two families to join us at Royal Pines Resort for the weekend. Although it rained for most of the weekend, we had a good time. But, I would never have imagined what was in store for me.

In January we did our first, Whole30. We loved it. We became paleo/primal.

February marked our five year anniversary. So, for the first time ever, the husband and I went away, for the night without child one and two, to the Treasury. We had loads of fun. It was such a treat! Any fears I had of being 30 and "so old" were quickly squashed when I was asked for my I.D. as I entered the casino. Bam!

March was the month that I found the lump. It was also the month that I threw my first children's party (for child number one) and it was heaps of fun. I look forward to doing more of them.

You'd think that April 4 would be the day that my world fell apart. Yes, that date is permanently etched in my mind. But, my world didn't fall apart. It certainly changed a great deal. My house was still standing when I returned home from the doctor, my friends and family still loved me and I still woke and went to sleep (although a little less some nights). Life went on. The hospital became my second home as I was there for every test imaginable. Before the month came to a close, the tumour was out.

In May, I celebrated that the cancer hadn't spread. On May 30, I had my first chemo. That was scary.

June, July and August are like a bad dream now. I actually struggle to comprehend what really happened. I'm like a woman who has given birth. I've seen the baby (in my case, good health) and now I can't remember the birth pains (chemo side effects). I am not joking.

By September, I was a week into radiation. That was so easy! I couldn't believe how good I was feeling. And, what was more amazing was that I was getting better and better. I really didn't realise how ill the chemo drugs had actually made me.

When my final radiation came, I was overjoyed. The finish line had always seemed so far away. I was there. It was over. The husband organised a surprise party and I was already able to go public without headgear. Oh yeah. It felt wonderful to be healthy.

In November, I had this urge to shop. It was a strange feeling. Up and until then I hadn't even noticed how I was never interested in going to the shops, walking around and looking at clothes for myself. It really was like I was becoming me again. Does that make sense? For so long, I had been a shell of who I was. I didn't even know it at the time. I couldn't believe that I was still climbing the mountain of good health. Every time I thought I had reached the highest point, I would still find myself feeling even better a week later. I now understand why cancer survivors become so...triumphant? I've experienced the two extremes. Being so so sick just makes healthy absolutely amazing!

Just days before my 31st birthday I lost my big toe nail. Totally gross, I know. And, certainly a topic that would usually make me feel weak. It happened though. Losing fingernails and toe nails are one of the side effects of chemo and I really had imagined that I was well and truly past any of those. Well, my left big toe is without a brightly coloured nail. Great. Around the same time, as the toe nail incident, it occurred to me that I would be returning to work with the short hair do... I must admit that I freaked out a bit. I don't know why, really. Either I just hadn't thought about it or for some reason I had this notion that returning to work would also mean me being all back to "normal". Let's face it, I have a new normal now. And, I've seen some pretty cool, short hairstyles lately so I may try out some on my way to a shoulder length style...

I received a gift each day in the post, for the week of my birthday. Thanks husband. I then had a surprise birthday party with family and friends. That was really cool. Mum even made me a paleo fruit cake (I love fruit cake!). I'll have to post the recipe because it was beautiful!

I don't know what this next year will bring. What challenges will I face? Will I experience failure? Success? I know for sure, like so many have tried to teach me before this year, that I can enjoy every moment. Too much time is carelessly wasted on unnecessary upsets.

It's a little early for a new year resolution, I know, but it's more like a goal for this next year of my life. Here it is: I want to laugh through 2012.

Same Journey, Different Drug

Of course, I was nervous about going in for my new drug. It's not about the drug though. I was anxious about giving blood. The last time I received needles it brought on some unwanted (but needed) side effects. What's worse though, is that I know that my veins have hardened (I still have bruises too). What was this going to mean? Would the nurse need to try a few times to get the blood? Was it going to hurt?

Sore. No. Yep. I looked away. Standard procedure. And, I totally expected to have worked myself up for nothing. Today, it wasn't. (TBCs, skip to the next paragraph, you don't want to know this). That was the first removal of blood that hurt. I felt the needle go in, stay there and I even felt the steel (not sure what needles are made out of, but it felt like steel) slide out, just before the nurse pushed on the small ball of cotton. I flinched. I think I even made a I'm-in-pain sound. In fact, as the blood went into the tube, I heard a slurping noise. The nurse made some comment about it being like sand. I'm not sure what that meant. The point is though, the hardened veins made for a sore withdrawal of blood.

I went for a walk, to kill the 90 minutes before my next appointment. When it was time, I took a leisurely walk through the very busy hospital. I was well. I certainly didn't feel as though I needed to be there. (Self high-five!)

Unlike previous appointments, I wasn't greeted by my smiling breast cancer buddies. There was a new crowd. I really didn't belong here anymore. I recognised a lady that I had shared radiation appointments with and we chatted until she was called in. Who would have thought, a year ago, that I would find tamoxifen, changes in cancer drugs and hair growth such stimulating conversation?

I wasn't with the chemo doctor for long. Tamoxifen is my new drug of choice. It's a chemo drug. The worst it can do is increase the chance of deep vein thrombosis by 2%. Secondary to that, is that it can bring on menopause. Too late. I'm already in that state. Although, my hot flushes seem to be less these last few days. And, honestly, there is more to enjoy about being in this state than not (you know what I'm talking about ladies!). Having said that, as a young woman, it's pretty likely that I'll come out of the menopause cupboard, even while on tamoxifen.

I felt very happy as I left the hospital today. There just have been so many moments of celebration. And, strangely enough, it seemed like today was one of those moments. The radio was loud, my scarf was off and I was the happiest driver on the road.

When I got home, I was really tired. Sorry about that family. That high just couldn't hold out for that long. But, I had some paleo ice-cream waiting for me. That was a great surprise. For real! Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What cave family would have access to an ice cream maker? Well, it doesn't matter. It's more of a cheat for child one and two. But this afternoon, the husband and I had some too.

Strawberry Ice Cream:

Tomorrow, I'll start tamoxifen. I'll then have five weeks until I see the chemo doctor again, to report, hopefully nothing, about the drug's effect on me. I wish I knew right now, how my body was going to react. But, we all love a good surprise...don't we?

Radiation Therapy 7 of 30

Another rad completed.

That drive, the burn and then the drive home, at this point, is easy as. I still have not felt or seen any evidence that I am receiving the treatment. I wonder when I will? If I can remember, I will ask that question tomorrow evening.

I was so tired today. I was trying not to fall asleep before lunch! Anyway, I got in a good nap this afternoon. I fell asleep straight away. When I awoke, I had no feeling in my little finger. I had been wearing my glove. But, I know that I cannot blame it solely on the glove. This has happened before. I will continue to wear the glove, but I will certainly question the doctor and physio about this recurring incident.

When I was getting ready this morning, I noticed that the skin on my belly was all flaky. It's not dry. But, the skin is definitely peeling! I am now connecting the two. The skin peeling on my feet and the skin (although much finer) peeling on my belly must have something to do with the chemo. One of the side effects of chemo is that it makes your skin dry. I wonder how long it takes the body to fully recover from chemo?

Here's the menu for today:

Breakfast: Pancakes with berries

Snack: Banana

Lunch: Red chicken curry, sweet potato fries and broccoli

Dinner: Fried chicken and veggies

I'm off to have a rooibos. Bye!

Why?

I just realised that it has been a couple of days since my eyes were watering. It's safe now, I'm sure, to say that the drip has definitely been switched off. And then, just when I thought there wasn't going to be any more new side effects, along came this strange one.

If I had experienced this before, I know that I wouldn't blame it on chemo. Especially, when it's just so...weird. Could chemo do this? There are no photos for this one because it involves feet. Who wants to see a picture of someone's foot? Ok, please don't answer that. I was removing nail polish when the scale of destruction was revealed. Actually, I had noticed that my feet, in particular, the skin on my toes was peeling away. But, it's way more than it should. I seem to be shedding the skin from my toes. The process is well and truly on the way. Enough on feet. Speaking about strange though...

I thought it might be worth sharing how our family came to adopt such a restricted diet - paleo. Months on, we are now finding this new way of approaching food is actually developing creativity. And, it doesn't seem so restrictive anymore.

There are actually a number of factors that led to this dramatic change in diet. Child number two, according to our plans, was the last one. So, I always had in my mind that I would really focus on getting fit and losing some kilos after the birth (mums, you can relate to the enormity of that task). Then, to our horror child number two was diagnosed with pulmonary stenosis (a blockage in the pulmonary valve). It was a very scary time for us; we had to decide whether we would go ahead with open-heart surgery or cardiac catheterisation. We decided on the latter option and within weeks our two-month old was home and recovering well. But, what concerned us was the fact child number two would need antibiotics if they ever required dental work. Can you believe that something as simple as dental work could actually give a "cardiac-kid" heart disease? This made us so conscious of giving out sugary treats; which were pretty common in our diet. How do you tell a child that they can't have sugar? Is it possible? We started eating a few vegetarian meals a week, did some exercise and cut down on the "bad" foods. We weren't satisfied with our progress. It was then that we came across this particular diet. We did enough research to arrive at the decision that this was for us. The bonus was, of course, that this way of eating has been linked to preventing cancer.

I got on the bandwagon too late it seemed. The doctor told me that my cancer would have been growing from August 2010. By the time I got the diagnosis though, our family was fit and healthy. We had coupled the paleo diet with exercise and were so surprised at how good we felt. There's a lot of cooking now but, it makes sense to cut out all of the stuff in food that actually isn't food. I am totally motivated too though, because I want my body to be able to fight off any abnormal cells next time they start multiplying.

Whole30, Day 7:

Breakfast: Hot Nutty Cereal

Snack: Nuts

Lunch: Chilli and garlic prawns on spinach leaves

Dinner: Beef chilli on lettuce with guacamole

Snack: Pancakes with berries

I have allowed the doctors to treat me with their medicines. In fact, after radiation I will begin a five year hormone treatment. Watching what I eat and electing to cut down on the use of chemicals, where possible, is how I wish to continue the fight. Before my diagnosis, it had always bugged me that so many people were getting cancer. Could it be what we eat? Could it be the chemicals? I have no idea. But, I'm enjoying my food journey and I'm finding it interesting to discover how many people are opting for the organic/natural/chemical free way of life.

What is this?

This afternoon, I felt out of sorts. When the family sat down to eat lunch, I decided to pass. I had no appetite at all. In fact, the very thought of food made me scrunch up my face in disgust. I opted for an afternoon nap but then, was persuaded by the husband to watch a movie. We relaxed in bed and watched a mildly humourous "comedy". The horizontal position was probably what fooled me into thinking that I was ok.

We were going to friends for dinner. So after the movie, I quickly got the children ready. That's when I got the head spins.

I have inherited unusually low blood pressure. So, for this reason, it really doesn't take much for me to feel light headed. I put it down to that. But, as we drove the half hour to our friends' place, I slunk in the passenger seat feeling weak and dizzy. What was going on? I wasn't reliving chemo side effects. It wasn't that bad. How bad was chemo? Honestly? I do not remember. It was too late to cancel and turn around now. When we arrived, I was still not myself. I plopped down on their couch and kept a low profile. It seemed that any movement sent me into a spin. I resigned to lying down. When I was in that position, I was fine. I was still able to be sociable. By the end of the evening (typical), I began to feel better. Then, when I walked out of our garage and into our dark house, I was back to normal. I don't know what that was all about.

So, what was it? Chemo dregs having fun? Surely, I am over that? My only signs of having had chemo are my patchy cheeks (they are clearing), hot flushes, weird coloured nails, odd shaped nails and the lack of hair.

I am very excited to report though, that my hair is growing!! (Totally deserves a double exclamation mark.) In fact, for the last few days, I am really struggling to wear head gear. I am just too hot. And, it's not the hot flushes. I reckon it's the hair saying, "We're back! We can do the job! You don't need the fake stuff!" I will wait until there is more coverage before a go out in public without a wig or scarf. Just when I was getting used to having no hair... Liar! I never got used to that. Grow, grow, grow!

Day six of my Whole30 saw this:

Breakfast: Leftover kangaroo rissoles on salad with mayo

Lunch: Felt too sick to eat :(

Snack: Protein shake (the husband convinced me to have this).

Dinner: Salmon and chicken on salad with sweet potato (at friends' place)

Snack: Nuts (thank you IGA for being open at 11pm). I actually purchased salted nuts; we always opt for the natural ones. I was really craving the salt though.

I don't think I have been doing rads long enough to be able to be relieved that I didn't have to go in for an appointment today. I'm sure as the weeks roll on, I will love the idea of not having to drive into the hospital for that burn session. So close to week two of rads. Nearly half way (sort of).

TBCs

It was a scary drive on the highway (too many trucks) this morning. But, it was very much worth it. I met with the Tough Bald Chicks; Breast Cancer Support Group. I had shared (yep, totally in past tense now) my chemo sessions with these women. It was their smiling faces, words of encouragement and tales of their experiences that spurred me on. They didn't take away the pain, but it most definitely made cancer worth it. Seriously. So much has come out of having breast cancer that the husband and I would not have it any other way. In fact, I do feel ok about me having cancer now. Me. Cancer. It's fine for those words to be in the same sentence.

I wear more make up than I would like to now. So, as I zoomed through the shopping centre with child number one in tow, I was very careful about dabbing both my eyes. Yeah. Both eyes are watering now. If I have to use two hands for anything, I have to move my head in a way that prevents the tear from falling where it shouldn't. Gross. I know. Who wants eye juice? Child number one copped a drop. My hands were too busy buckling the child restraint... I was reassured, today, when I looked around the table of women to see that others shared my watery side effect. How weird is that? It's the chemo that does it. It's obviously very common but, certainly not recorded on the sheet of side effects that I received all those months ago. I continue to dab.

Fatigue, I despise you. I certainly sense that that is leaving my building. Woohoo! Unfortunately, rad fatigue may be entering through the same door. That's a blow. Totally. I do not like being tired. I have been trying to turn a deaf ear to the duration of rad fatigue but, I may as well face it. It is likely to last up to twelve months! Hearing that really gets my back up. It makes me want to resist the fatigue. Like, (tough voice) these rads aren't gonna make me tired. I don't even think I ever got into a fighting stance with the cancer like I do with regard to fatigue. Last night, I did a metcon session. Building that muscle seems to be the best thing that I can do to prepare for the rads (and fatigue). And, of course, it's something that I enjoyed.

The photo in today's blog is more about recording the physical changes that occurred during the cancer treatment. I did take one of me smiling but I didn't like it. Who does like pictures of themselves? This photo gives the impression that I am miserable, which is very far from the truth. It's there for the future. In a year or so I will put my hair behind my ears to have a better look at this photo of me; back when I had breast cancer. I will laugh at my bald head, comment on how thin my eyebrows got, have a whinge about my leaking eyes and try to explain how lots of good things can come from bad situations.

I'm Not Crying

I really had believed that my watering eye was done with. It's not! Now, I have two watery eyes. Neither is sore or itchy. Although, by the end of the day, they are usually puffy from being wiped at. Since Tuesday, I have found that the fatigue has not been as intense by the afternoon. That, my friends, is something to be so excited about!

Other great news includes: I have lifted my self-imposed ban on deodorant (feel free to stand on my right side now); the sparse hair on my head, that never fell out, is now lying down and not sticking up; the children and I did a one hour walk to the shops; and I made the best Paleo Fried Chicken ever (paleomama.wordpress.com).

I participated in one workout this week. It was a twelve minute AMRAP that included five ground to overheads, seven box jumps and nine air squats. My weight was the lightest in the group at 25kgs. I am very much looking forward to radiation being finished so that I can really focus on lifting more weight.

The right arm has been swollen for days. There is no pain and my arm is not heavy. It's just puffy. I am assuming that that will hang around for a good few months yet. My arm is actually still numb in places. I was told, after surgery, that that numbness may last up to twelve months. In some cases, the numbness stays. I have definitely noticed a dwindling in the numbness so, I am going for the box that says, "It will not last forever". Lock it in, please.

Ok, here's a confession. I have been looking at homemade laundry detergents. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I came across a site that said that one should not put anything on one's skin (it's an organ) that could not be eaten. I could understand where he was coming from. But, I really don't like the idea of putting something edible in the washing machine. How would it clean? So, my compromise is to make my own. I have a recipe, but have not been able to find one of the ingredients. I am going to hit a local hardware store. If I can get that ingredient, I will make the laundry detergent and report on its effectiveness. Oh, how cancer has changed me...

Breast cancer has really made me grasp just how fragile I am. I never wanted to be the damsel in distress. I certainly never wanted to be making my own laundry detergent. Well, perhaps I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I hope to get the missing ingredient today and then...wash the clothes tomorrow. Yes, I am a weirdo and proud to share how you too can become one. Why not join me?

Healthy Days

I'm feeling good. I'm healthy. And, the best part of it is knowing that chemo is not lurking around the next corner.

My twelve week cycle will be officially over Tuesday week. But, in my mind it's already done. I get so excited when I think about the fact that I have come to the end of chemo! It's amazing! While I made it through the low immune period unscathed, I have a strange itch on my chemo arm; where the chemo was received there is a tiny rash. It's terribly itchy. If the itch doesn't go away in the next couple of days, I will make a phone call. That's all, in terms of side effects.

The fatigue seems to have lifted. I have had a pretty busy weekend and it didn't take too much out of me. We had friends over on Friday night and watched a movie together. Then, we had an early start Saturday morning; doing crossfit. I did the Barbara workout (20 pull ups, 30 push ups, 40 sit ups and 50 squats - x5) in just under an hour. It's not the greatest time, but I absolutely enjoyed participating. Saturday night we watched the next episode of our favourite television show and then a movie. On Sunday, I watched others fish, went to the circus, did the grocery shopping (in person), cleaned the house and then had friends over in the evening. This is likely to be the biggest weekend I have had in three months!

Wearing a wig out in the sun, today, was not a good idea. As soon as I got to the car, I wrenched it from my head. It was gross to wipe so much sweat from my head. Yuk! I am so thankful that my chemo was received, and therefore my hair loss, in the cold months. Just as the weather is heating up, my hair is due to begin its return and I won't have to endure wearing a wig. Very good.

I have decided to begin my Whole30 the same day that I begin radiation. While we do eat paleo already, doing the Whole30 will mean that for 30 days I will not have bacon, sausages or dark chocolate (our only deviation). It won't be too different to how we currently eat. I will be eating completing clean. It will be a detox. I will document my meals and rad (cool word for radiation therapy) progress too. Right, I'm excited about that.

Cut, Poison and Burn

I didn't have the best of sleeps, last night. It was broken. The night sweats are annoying!

This time of year, I am usually in my warmest pyjamas, tucked under a doona; keeping to the warm parts of the bed. These sweats however, have driven me to wear summer pyjamas and swishing around searching for cold spots in the bed. I don't know how long the sweats last, but they certainly don't stick around. Soon enough, my nude head becomes aware of the cold pillow and I'm back to feeling the real temperature around me. This goes on all night. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Sometimes, I get so hot that I can actually wipe sweat away!

Low immunity leaves tomorrow. In its bag he will pack away (forever!) my three purple, cannula bruises, an itchy needle site (where the chemo was eventually intravenously received), a twitchy, watering eye and cheek patches. Once he departs the white blood cell count will be looking good. I can interact with large groups of humans again. Yay!

Since the radiation "tattoos", I have to admit, that I have seriously been thinking about getting a tattoo (that I actually want, not four silly dots). I've always been anti-tattoos, for myself, because of its permanency. But, I don't know...I think I want one... So, I'm thinking just a small ribbon on my left wrist (not allowed anything on the right side because of the removed lymph nodes). It may just me being in a celebratory mood. Time will tell. Maybe this little thing will turn into nothing...

Today, I read an excerpt from an article that got me real excited. It basically explained that having greater muscle mass means that the body is able to withstand trauma (like cancer) better. This is awesome news! My body is less likely to see cancer return if I aim to build muscle as part of my exercise. Secondly, and more importantly for now, is the implication for burn patients.

On August 22, I will begin my radiation therapy. As a burns patient, my body will need more protein to heal itself. So, if my body doesn't have enough, it will draw from my muscle mass. This is the incentive I need to really hit the weights (I won't do anything crazy) in the lead up to that first appointment. During radiation, weights are not allowed. As with the nutrition, there is so much to be gained in knowing that there is something that I can do to make the radiation ride a little smoother.

I've been cut and poisoned. I'm ready for the burn!

The Last Effects

It is with great joy that I endure the last side effects of chemo. Of course, the fatigue made its appearance.

The last three mornings, I have risen from bed feeling light. That's the best way for me to describe the fatigue. But, it was only when the fatigue lifted, somewhat, that I came to be able to explain it in such terms. Fatigue is heavy. It weighs you down. It anchors you emotionally, physically and mentally. When I'm in that place, I am unable to comprehend how everyone around me is able to make plans, fulfil them and then have energy to spare. The thought of making up my bed just doesn't register. It's registering now though. I did my best house clean up today. I feels great to be back!

No more hair has fallen out. Aside from some fine hair poking up, I am completely bald. It must be quite a sight when the husband rolls over, in the middle of the night, and sees a bald woman (beanie off because of one of the many night sweats - they continue!) next to him. My hair will begin to grow back soon. I looked longingly at hair-photos (of me) today. I'm definitely ready for hair. Research tells me that the paleo way encourages fast hair growth. I'm going to eat my hair back (another paragraph ending in this word...can it continue?).

My hands are looking so old these days. The chemo really dries out the skin. And, both my hands and feet are not their usual colour. Even my nails look strange. I wonder when the circulation will improve enough for the youthful, healthy colour to come back?

What else to report? The twin patches, on my cheeks, have not become red. And so, they have not spread any further than what they did in the last cycle. It's too late for them to do so now. Good. What I have noticed though, is that the discolouration is retreating. To even toned skin, let me welcome you back.

A strange side effect that has carried over from the last cycle is my forever twitching eye. For two weeks, my eye has twitched. Not consistently. Randomly. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. That same eye has watered too, in the same way; just when it feels like it (usually when I don't have a tissue to dab at it). Now, that same eye has a sty. I believe it represents the stress that my body has been under over the last couple of months. None of these problems have been painful though. Annoying? Very! Another thing. While lying next to child one, I noticed something that I was missing. White eyes! Check out a child's eyes. The sclera (thanks Google) is so white. My sclera is not looking (pun unintended) good these days. I'm told that this shows that the liver is under fire. I have some wonderful bags under my eyes too. But really, do you think I care, now? No way. I'll get my good health back.

Yes, I think it is a fair call to say that I am through the worst. Chemo has no power over me. I will now concentrate on smashing these side effects with good nutrition, sufficient rest and (I can't wait to start back again) exercise.

Game Over, Man

From one extreme to the other. That's me. Remember my moods yesterday? Well, today I wasn't so highly strung.

This morning, I opened my eyes hesitantly. I am always cautious in the mornings after chemo. Until the last of the low immune days have passed, any strange side effects may show up. I had to admit though, I felt better than yesterday. And, if my memory served me well, better than this time in my last chemo cycle.

Our family spent a great amount of time in the backyard. While I still took on the watching role, I felt good. The fatigue was there but not pressing enough for me to have a morning nap. I ate. Then, it was time for the children to have their afternoon nap. By that time, I was tired!

I put my head down to sleep. Not for long. I was struck with the notion that chemo was over. It was like a switch was flicked. Literally, within milliseconds, I was too excited to sleep. I shed a tear (of joy). It was over. The dreaded chemo sentence was over. Chemo was done. I didn't have to do it again. I repeat, it was over! There was no way I could sleep now!

But, I was still tired. I got back under the blankets and forced my eyes shut. The birds were singing in the trees. Did they always do that? Yes, of course. Today, they seemed happier than ever before. This is so lame and definitely cliche but it was like I hadn't heard them before. Actually, let's face it, if the neighbours had to begin playing the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' songs in succession (this has been done before) it is likely I would have enjoyed that too. The fact is, chemo was history. What seemed enormously impossible, to even grasp in my mind, was now just a small sentence in my history. I did chemo. I survived. (Two sentences actually).

My high didn't last all that long. By the evening, I was constipated (great!) and fatigued. I drank a "lemon" flavoured medicine and went to bed.

I was another day further away from chemo.

Pon De Replay

Today I have been tired, grumpy, irritable, short-tempered, uninterested, moody, impatient, slow, angry, tense, on edge. Do I really need to say more?

To my dearest family, sorry. It's strange to hear myself acting out this way. I don't want to be like this, but I literally cannot help it. The best thing for me to do is stay in bed. So, that is what I have done. It has been boring. I absolutely cannot wait until my body has fought this chemo sufficiently back that I can enjoy things again. At the moment, very little is motivating me, even just to smile. That's bad isn't it. This is why it's good for me to type. Man, I have lots to be smiling about!! Ahhh. I have to be careful what I type! I have refrained from deleting that (every part of me wants to) but I want to be honest.

I need to listen to some music. *music on* Oh yeah! Music is so powerful.

My greatest fear now, is that I pick up a bug. I shared this with the husband and he told me not to worry. I totally get stressed about stupid stuff. I just don't want any needles. I'm done with that!

Anyway, if fatigue and moodiness is my worst side effect today then I am doing well. Tomorrow will only be better. The chemo is now officially out of my system!

What follows now are a selection of songs that, I believe, will always bring me back to this particular time in my life.

Out Came The Sunshine Soundtrack

Track 1: "What happened to us?" Jessica Mauboy Ft Jay Sean

On the way to have my fine needle aspiration (back in March) this song was playing in the car. I love my music loud so I turned it up. I pretended I was Jess and sang my heart out. Then, when the fine needle was moving about, in my breast, I was singing the song in my head as a distraction. The song has a real catchy piano riff and I was replying that too.

Then, yesterday, when I was listening to this song it took on a new meaning. I thought that I was untouchable. I had assumed that this and that would never happen to me. But look, breast cancer happened...I shed a tear while listening to this upbeat song. Hormonal perhaps?

Track 2: "Need You Here" Hillsong

Track 3: "Lead Me To The Cross" Hillsong

There have been times where nothing makes me feel ok. It's at those times that no one and no medication helps. As much as there are people around to support me, there is always that moment where the battle is mine alone. That's when music has been the greatest escape. These two songs have provided that escape.

Track 4: "Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz

Track 5: "Dynamite" Taio Cruz

While doing chemo I have felt good. It's comparative though isn't it? When I am back to my usual 100% self I will have a boundless amount of energy. I won't know myself! I can now understand why cancer patients have a new outlook on life. So, when I felt as well as one can feel on chemo I have spent a great deal of time twirling and jumping (that's how child one and two insist I dance) to these two tracks.

Track 6: "A.N.G.E.L." Natasha Bedingfield

I had had a bad day. The chemo had made me grumpy and I was just over it all. I wanted to sleep. I was sitting at the table, contemplating how I was going to move from there to my room. It seemed too far to walk. And there standing in the passage, each with a balloon, stood my two precious children. The husband insisted on putting on some music, much to my dissatisfaction. Soon, this track was playing loud throughout the house. At that moment, my two children began to dance around the room, their balloons bobbing about above their heads. It was a most sweet moment. And, I was glad the husband went against my wishes.

Track 7: "Pocketful Of Sunshine" Natasha Bedingfield

This is just another song that our family have enjoyed dancing around to.

Track 8: "Incy Wincy Spider" Kate Toms

This well-known nursery rhyme was the inspiration for the title of my blog. It was a favourite for child number one and now child number two always reaches for this story. Kate Toms extends it so beautifully to tell a story of a spider who does not let a rainy day put him off from climbing back to where he belongs.

My soundtrack is still short a few songs. I would feel pretty ripped off if a soundtrack that I had purchased only had eight tracks. But, I still have radiation to go yet. That last third of the journey will, I'm sure, introduce more songs to the soundtrack.

Goodbye and Hello

Goodbye tastebuds and appetite. Hello fatigue.

When I sat at the table to have my breakfast, this morning, I was shocked that I was experiencing side effects so soon. I guess the upside is that I can get them over and done with. I could have been eating anything. The pumpkin soup had no flavour that's for sure. I forced it down. Then I had a cup of rooibos tea with five prunes (you know what that's for). It too did nothing for me. I have a strong feeling that my love for prunes will never return. Prior to cancer I loved prunes. Now, it will probably always bring back the memories of breast cancer. Who would want that? Prunes are a small price to pay to forget.

Last night, I came home to a beautiful, cooked meal with a treat too. While I was so excited about chemo being over I just couldn't show it physically. I felt absolutely exhausted! Was it the long day, with little sleep the night before? The stress of the cannula not going in until the sixth go? Or was it simply the finality of chemo; like the end of a marathon where athletes just drop to the ground? I got through the nine weeks, just. I wish I could have been more exuberant. I reckon the husband expected me to be a lot happier. But I was happy. It was just not bubbling to the surface.

Anyway, back to Day 1. It's was frustrating to think that yesterday I felt so good and then today I wake up unwell. Last time though. I was on my own with the children today. I managed the breakfast and clean up well. Then, when lunch came I got through that (I only managed to eat sliced apple with salt), hung washing, brought in washing, walked to the letterbox in a most embarrassing get-up, helped the children water all the plants with a tiny watering can (many trips to the tap of course) and watched them play for a bit. A huge day.

This afternoon I received a wonderful package from "The Pink Pamper Packs". The generosity that our family has experienced through this time has been so overwhelming! There may be more tears over that than the actual cancer. Good tears though. Thanks to so many people who have helped in different ways!

I have taken my anti-nausea and vomiting meds as prescribed. I have had two naps today. A dear friend gave me my neulasta needle, at 6.45pm. Yes, I cringed like the big baby that I am. Child number one held my hand and watched the needle go in. How did someone so brave come from me? I am very keen for a sound sleep tonight. But, as much as I want to hop into bed right now, I don't want to be up when the rest of the house is sleeping. So, I will busy myself, gently, with a few things before I hit the sack for the third time today.

I waited all day for this day to be over. I know that sounds negative, but it's how I felt. I just want to get through all of this stuff as quickly as possible. Last round I was "better" by Monday morning (Day 6). I don't mind being better before then!

Look at that chair. Never again will I have to sit there. If I wasn't feeling too fatigued I would love to do a happy dance. That will have to wait. It is coming. It's on the inside for now.

Chemo, It Wasn't Nice Knowing You

A GP told me today that 90-95% of breast cancer patients have no family history. How is it that I am nearly two thirds of the way through treatment and did not get that message? There must be so many women (and men) who believe themselves to be safe. It's worrying to think that this disease can simply pop up anywhere, anytime.

Well, tomorrow is my last chemo. I have been drinking many cups of water and have been spending far too much time in the "ladies". It's vein pumping time!

As for side effects, I am pleased to report that my two little toes seem to be through their dark days. There is no pain there at all now. The sensation in my fingernails and toenails has also disappeared. So, for this round, I have kept all twenty nails. Win. I have had lots of wins in my third round of chemo. I am prepared for an even better fight with my final chemo. Seriously, if I experience a bad run, I will be totally shocked. My expectations are high. And, usually I would want to be keeping the worst case scenario at the forefront of my mind, but that has been tossed out the window. Bring it on. Actually, I am especially wanting my adrenalin to be so high that I won't find the cannula insertion so scary. I never want to do a cannula again, after tomorrow!

My eye is still tearing. Throughout my Unbearable workout tonight (21-15-9: bear complex and crossfit pushups), I had a steady flow of tears from my left eye. My face still has a patch for each cheek (a great look thanks, Mr Chemo). But, my sore wrist seems to have subsided. Another win.

More positives include, the fact that I am feeling more comfortable with a wig. I still worry that it may reveal my non-existent side burns or slide a little to show my hair line, but I'm not as paranoid.

I've had my steroids today (chemo prep med), and will go some more early tomorrow morning. My nurse is booked in to give me the neulasta needle 24 hours after chemo. I have cleaned the house and cooked up a storm. The babysitter is ready and my mum is my chemo buddy for the last round. All I need to do is pack my bag: blood form, ID book, list of questions, gluten free treat for the two-hour chemo treatment, a bottle of water, purse, phone, lipgloss (I've got to look good for the photo upload!).

Mr Chemo, I don't mean to be a user but once you have killed all my cells (and ultimately the cancerous ones), for the last time, I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other ever again. It's not you...it's me. Actually, just bugger off!

Moving Forward

The sunny days have been terrific. The children and I have been spending lots of time in the glorious outdoors. And, today it got me thinking of how fortunate I was to be able to spend so much time with them. So, in a way, I guess I am grateful for having breast cancer this year because it has meant that I could be a home-maker for a little bit longer.

For all of 2010, I was on maternity leave. I had had an absolute ball. Even though I do enjoy my work very much, there's nothing that tops spending time with my children (and the husband of course). The last few days have meant that we could ride bikes, go to the park, blow bubbles, water the plants, have a picnic, go for a walk, to mention a few. No doubt, there are some trying days. But when I'm feeling good, those days definitely fade quickly from my memory.

Of course, there are small reminders that I am not simply on holiday. The fatigue is still there. Most of the play will be me watching. I join in for a time, but I tire quickly. Both of my little toes are looking and feeling a little sore. My hands and feet are cracked even though I moisturise. But, none of these side effects are debilitating. So, I enjoy the sun and the company.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, as it marks movement forward on this journey (I didn't cringe when I used that word). Very soon, I will be walking out of Day Care for the last time. And, the excitement is growing. The radiation planning appointment that I attend tomorrow will be a chance for me to ask questions, to meet with doctors and get a general idea of what to expect of my six week treatment. I have a little anxiety about the CT scan. Last time I had a CT scan, I had a panic attack (an embarrassing little episode). I have had quite a few needles since then and I also plan to ask to be horizontal for the needle; these should help me through it.

I do not want to write off 2011. It can still be a great year.

Strange

I think I can report the strangest side effect so far. For the last couple of days, my two little toes have been really sore. It's like I have hit them on the corner of furniture. You know that feeling? But, the pain hasn't gone away. Now, both my little toes are swollen at the cuticle. They also look bruised in that area. It's very strange. I just heard today of someone who had cancer, a couple of years ago, who was taken aback by the bizarre, individualised side effects of chemo. My sore toes have not stopped me from having a great day though. I didn't even have a nap, this afternoon.

This round of chemo has not affected my sleep at all. In fact, I have been sleeping very well. When I fall asleep, I am totally out of it until the morning. It's great.

My arm is still a little swollen. Nothing like it was yesterday. Yesterday, my arm actually felt heavy. I have since heard reports of other breast cancer patients getting the extra fluid in their arm on and off. It's incredible that the removal of only five lymph nodes means that the usual process, which I absolutely took for granted, of clearing the fluid, is now jeopardised. Anyway, I did a workout this evening, and my arm has not shown signs of becoming more swollen. I think it is safe to assume that the exercise and then the swelling of my arm are not related.

I was pretty happy with my workout today. I feel as though I did my best. And, I feel even better about the fact that I am doing something to get stronger for Tuesday's chemo. The AMRAP workout only lasted 12 minutes and included box jumps, kettle swings and squats. It was fun. It was quick.

Now, if only chemo, radiation and hormone therapy could be over and done with!

Happy Hormones

When I told the husband that I had more energy today and that I wasn't as cranky he replied, "Yeah, you were a bit scary yesterday". For real. The husband and the children didn't seem that scared of me. But, when I am in the middle of a tired rampage because, well, because I can, to be honest, I didn't really take much notice of their reactions. Oh, to be calm again. That would be bliss; for all of us.

The day just seemed to begin quite upbeat. I busied myself with housework and kept child one and two occupied too. Then, when the afternoon hit, I was surprised that I had enough energy to do some exercise. I wasn't really expecting that. So, I finally did the 21-15-9 that I had wanted to do. I did squats and push-ups with a weighted vest. I topped it off with a skip. It's not much, and it took me longer than I would have liked. But, I worked up a sweat and my heartbeat increased. I felt great afterwards.

My fingernails are still sensitive, my scar is irritating, I still have a patchy face and the fatigue is loitering. Honestly, such minor issues.

Actually, I do have to add that I have not begun using either of the creams that I purchased yesterday. I really should use the one for my wrist. There's no reason for putting that one off. But, I have reservations about the cream for my face. First of all, the pharmacist couldn't read the oncologist's handwriting. Then she thought it was odd for the doctor to recommend using that cream for what she could see on my face. If it was on any other part of my body I know I wouldn't have thought twice. But, it's on my face. Scarves don't cover that up. What if the cream reacts badly to my skin? What if it makes the marks worse? What if the cream is the wrong one? What if the cream is actually acid and eats away at my cheek bone and I forever have a hole in my face... Ok, I will admit, I worry about stupid stuff. Sure, pump taxotere and cyclophosphamide into my veins for a couple of hours, but there is no way I'm putting that over-the-counter cream on my face. Pathetic! Right, now that it's out there, I feel stupid. I am going to have a shower, open the bag (truly, I haven't even opened the bag since bringing the creams home yesterday) and put on both creams.

If I never blog again, you will know it was the cream...

Patch Face

I have felt tired today. I have also been irritable again. I am trying very hard to stay calm and in control but with the chemo encouraging my hormones to bounce all over the place, I'm fighting a losing battle sometimes. I am conscious of the affect that this is having on those around me so, I do try to say those words that cling so tightly to my lips and don't want to get out, "I'm sorry".

If I could just exercise. I really think that getting some exercise would help with the fatigue. The thing is though that by the time the children are asleep (their afternoon nap) I'm unable to pull together the motivation to do it. I could push myself, but it's likely to be my body saying that it needs a little more time. Tomorrow, day 10, is the end of my low immune period. So, I will aim to do exercise then. But, if I can't that's ok. On Saturday, I will (mind over body for this one) do a group crossfit session. I have to. It'll get the blood moving. I need that.

I cut my fingernails (how did something so mundane become worthy of a its own paragraph?). And, I was tricked into cutting them too short. My nails have obviously come away from the nail bed because even though I left a little white on my nails, they feel as though I have cut them way too short. Still, it's a minor issue.

Aside from the fatigue, the scar on my face is the most confronting side effect. I purchased ointment. I hope it makes the marks disappear. And, while I was there I also got the antibiotic lotion to put on the two places where the chemo has caused tissue damage close to my wrist.

The scar (in my armpit), as it has for each low immune week, is a little sore. It feels like there is a small lump at the one end. And, the scar has opened again. I'm so glad I never pretended to be brave and put deodorant on. Yes, my self-imposed ban on any products in my right armpit continues.

Today, I had the cancer chat with child number one. I tried to be as casual as I could in bringing up the topic. I explained that I had one more chemo treatment and the reason for having it. I should have followed my gut instinct. When child number one asked that question alarm bells didn't ring. So now, when I was talking cancer, child number one really wasn't interested. Fine. Conversation over.

I think I'm starting to get excited about the next chemo being my last one. I really haven't been excited. I haven't allowed myself to. Why? Well, I wanted the cannular in and the drugs flowing before the no-more-chemo smile came out. But yesterday, I dug out my radiation paperwork and discovered that my planning appointment with the radiation doctors is Wednesday! Woohoo! I get the goosebumps (good ones) thinking of the next step in my journey (haven't used that word for a while).

Goodbye Follicles

I thought I had dandruff. As it turned out, it was just the next lot of hair unloosening itself from the follicles. This is that story...(and some others)

While watching our favourite (at the moment) mocumentary, I scratched my head. I couldn't believe it. There was a moment there where I thought I had discovered that I had dandruff. If I hadn't been receiving chemo that would have been the obvious response. Under the spell of chemo though means that I am more likely be be scratching at a side effect. It was simply dry skin. My scalp was crying out for its daily fix of aqueous cream.

Before stepping into the shower, I admired my shiny head (which isn't so fair anymore) and inspected the disappearing scar (thanks Mr High Intensity Vitamin E cream) from the lumpectomy. I gave my head a good scrub with the cream. I brought my hands around to rinse off the excess cream. It was Tuesday. I forgot! Only then, as I stared at my hands, did the puzzle pieces fall into place (how cliche? who hasn't used that phrase?). Well, they did ok? Tuesday, one week after chemo, has been when hair things happen. There was hair all over my hand. I reached around and pinched at bits of hair. I could actually pull them out. It didn't hurt, at all. I could feel nothing. The last ones.

Although only minor, I have experienced pain in my fingernails. I've been knocking my fingers into everything. And, they are actually sensitive. I must have always given my fingernails a good bashing in my day to day movement, but now I am feeling it. That coupled with the discolouration of my nail, closest to my cuticle, in some fingers, is my most discomforting side effect today. I can't complain.

Another good point? The fatigue is still there but certainly not as intense as that which I experienced after my last round of chemo. I'm feeling pretty good!

The red splotch is back though, sort of. After it changed to a dark patch on my cheek bone it never completely disappeared. Now, with the poisons of the latest chemo swimming around my system, there is redness again. It is still limited to one side of my face. But, it is growing. I do have a prescription for it, but that was only if it became pimply. And, that hasn't happened yet. So, I'll be like Mariah Carey and only have photos taken of my good side.

I keep forgetting to include an interesting quote from child number one. The other day, I was asked, "Mum, will you die after your last chemo?" The question was posed without emotion, matter-of-factly. I wasn't even upset that it was posed. But, it did present to me that I needed to have another chat about the whole breast cancer process. Because, quite clearly, what I had said, and what child number one could see was a little confusing. I will look for a casual, no-big-deal opportunity to discuss cancer with the four year old again.