Crespo

This month I'm doing 30 days of strict paleo. I am surprised at how easy I have found it so far. This time last year, I remember us madly searching the internet for paleo treats. This time around, giving up the treats has been no big deal. What I have found difficult has been giving up the fruit.

A few days before the new year, I read how sugar (and we've all heard this before) feeds cancer. So, unless it's a treat or after a workout, I'm going to stay away from ye ol' fructose. I have also had a good few new recipes in the rotation that I wish to share. But, another time.

I am excited to report that my state of menopause was only temporary. I'm outta there. Strangely enough, I felt so good at this. I thought that I was ok about being in menopause, but like so many things along this journey, you never know how you are going to feel or react at different points. So, I'm happy at this news. It also marks another step away from cancer and its treatment.

That hair. The hair is growing back curly. Yep. I thought I would always like to have curly hair. But you guessed it, now that I have it, I'm not quite sure. I have a feeling that I may be parading a Marge-style do, because the curls are just pushing my hair up higher and higher. Oh well, better that than nothing...

As I type I stop to admire my nails. Now, I've never had particularly beautiful nails but I think because they have looked so atrocious these past few months that now that they have grown (pink and white now) and they have a little clear nail polish they look amazing. Well, to me anyway.

Next week my youngest begins childcare for the first time. And, my oldest starts prep. I am so excited for both. In fact, just this week, the husband and I off-loaded the last of our baby stuff. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed absolutely every part of being the mother of babies but man, it's so exciting to be moving away from that too. I am very much looking forward to the new challenges that lie ahead.

I would like to take a vow that I won't complain about having to do the school run, that I will not regret signing the children up for Spanish lessons and I promise to commit to memory all of the information that the prep school provides. Actually...can I take any of that back?

The Year That Was

On this day last year, I celebrated my big 3-0. The husband arranged for another two families to join us at Royal Pines Resort for the weekend. Although it rained for most of the weekend, we had a good time. But, I would never have imagined what was in store for me.

In January we did our first, Whole30. We loved it. We became paleo/primal.

February marked our five year anniversary. So, for the first time ever, the husband and I went away, for the night without child one and two, to the Treasury. We had loads of fun. It was such a treat! Any fears I had of being 30 and "so old" were quickly squashed when I was asked for my I.D. as I entered the casino. Bam!

March was the month that I found the lump. It was also the month that I threw my first children's party (for child number one) and it was heaps of fun. I look forward to doing more of them.

You'd think that April 4 would be the day that my world fell apart. Yes, that date is permanently etched in my mind. But, my world didn't fall apart. It certainly changed a great deal. My house was still standing when I returned home from the doctor, my friends and family still loved me and I still woke and went to sleep (although a little less some nights). Life went on. The hospital became my second home as I was there for every test imaginable. Before the month came to a close, the tumour was out.

In May, I celebrated that the cancer hadn't spread. On May 30, I had my first chemo. That was scary.

June, July and August are like a bad dream now. I actually struggle to comprehend what really happened. I'm like a woman who has given birth. I've seen the baby (in my case, good health) and now I can't remember the birth pains (chemo side effects). I am not joking.

By September, I was a week into radiation. That was so easy! I couldn't believe how good I was feeling. And, what was more amazing was that I was getting better and better. I really didn't realise how ill the chemo drugs had actually made me.

When my final radiation came, I was overjoyed. The finish line had always seemed so far away. I was there. It was over. The husband organised a surprise party and I was already able to go public without headgear. Oh yeah. It felt wonderful to be healthy.

In November, I had this urge to shop. It was a strange feeling. Up and until then I hadn't even noticed how I was never interested in going to the shops, walking around and looking at clothes for myself. It really was like I was becoming me again. Does that make sense? For so long, I had been a shell of who I was. I didn't even know it at the time. I couldn't believe that I was still climbing the mountain of good health. Every time I thought I had reached the highest point, I would still find myself feeling even better a week later. I now understand why cancer survivors become so...triumphant? I've experienced the two extremes. Being so so sick just makes healthy absolutely amazing!

Just days before my 31st birthday I lost my big toe nail. Totally gross, I know. And, certainly a topic that would usually make me feel weak. It happened though. Losing fingernails and toe nails are one of the side effects of chemo and I really had imagined that I was well and truly past any of those. Well, my left big toe is without a brightly coloured nail. Great. Around the same time, as the toe nail incident, it occurred to me that I would be returning to work with the short hair do... I must admit that I freaked out a bit. I don't know why, really. Either I just hadn't thought about it or for some reason I had this notion that returning to work would also mean me being all back to "normal". Let's face it, I have a new normal now. And, I've seen some pretty cool, short hairstyles lately so I may try out some on my way to a shoulder length style...

I received a gift each day in the post, for the week of my birthday. Thanks husband. I then had a surprise birthday party with family and friends. That was really cool. Mum even made me a paleo fruit cake (I love fruit cake!). I'll have to post the recipe because it was beautiful!

I don't know what this next year will bring. What challenges will I face? Will I experience failure? Success? I know for sure, like so many have tried to teach me before this year, that I can enjoy every moment. Too much time is carelessly wasted on unnecessary upsets.

It's a little early for a new year resolution, I know, but it's more like a goal for this next year of my life. Here it is: I want to laugh through 2012.

Rads: End of Week 2

I had a needle in my head today. No jokes. For real.

Even when I had hair, I always used to lean into the mirror to check out a mole right on my hairline. Then, when my hair fell out, I got a clear view of the funny shaped mole. I also noticed lots of other moles on my shiny head. I decided that it was a great opportunity to have the moles checked. The doctor's appointment was booked. And, I also had a second question; a little something that came to my attention the evening before.

I was directed to the doctor's room, on the left at the end of the hall. There was no need to be nervous. They just check moles with a special magnifying glass. Right? Well, the mole on my hairline, of course, looked a little strange. So the doctor turned on his computer to have a closer look. It looked gross. I could clearly see the brown splash-of-a-mole and the hair surrounding it. A quick glance from the doctor was all the time he needed to decide upon giving me a biopsy. He was just going to scrape a little off. No. When he said the anaesthetic would sting a little my hands reached up to cover my face. I don't know why. It was just my reaction. My hands continued to hover around my face, as I imagined this doctor wielding a huge needle aimed at my head. I apologised for my fragile state and agreed to have it done there and then. But before we went to the room, where this procedure would be carried out, I needed to ask one question.

Last night, I accidentally found a lump in one of the veins of my left arm (the chemo arm). I had no idea what it was. For that reason, I wasn't worried about it. As it turned out, it is nothing to worry about. While it is a clot, it is in a surface vein and is likely to have been caused by the chemo drugs. It will not swim to my heart and cause my death. In fact, at some point, it will resolve itself. No more to be said. Now there was nothing holding me back from the biopsy. And, the needle.

I let my shoes slip to the floor as I nervously lowered myself on the operating table. The doctor busied himself around me for too long. I just wanted it to be over. Soon, he was there, leaning over my head. I felt the needle sting, maybe three times. Then it was over. Needles are rarely as bad as I imagine. I could feel him doing something to the mole. Putting in needles? Yeah, right. He had me totally fooled. He kept me in the dark. He had actually shaved the mole off! I couldn't believe it. I sat up to see my mole floating in a specimen jar! He gave me a ridiculous dressing for the surgery and then I was sitting up. I walked out of the room, that day, a little less than me. I have been assured that my hair follicles were not damaged (that hair will grow there), that the results will be in on Monday, and that all the other moles on my head are nothing to worry about. Good.

Radiation was pretty uneventful (just what I needed after my last visit there). I couldn't stop smiling though, when I was told that my machine is due for a service tomorrow. This means that I will not have radiation! Yeah. A friday all to myself.

Here's another day of Whole30:

Breakfast: Peach and pecan scramble

Lunch: Bolognaise with broccoli and avocado

Snack: Handful of almonds

Dinner: Bolognaise on broccoli

Snack: Banana pancakes

Good night!

Radiation Therapy 8 of 30

I didn't feel so tired today. The weather was good enough to be outdoors so, getting out in the sun certainly helped with the energy levels.

We have started our own veggie patch. It has capsicum, strawberries, tomatoes, lettuce, beetroot, limes and blueberries. We have been watering the seedlings and enthusiastically monitoring their growth. Today, we harvested our first leaves of lettuce. We ate them at lunch. It was so wonderful for child one to pick the leaves, wash and then eat them. Now, if the strawberry can ripen without being snatched by a nocturnal animal...

I had a good day today. And then, in the evening, I had two crazy incidents. One involves a lady in the waiting room and another has to do with the radiation machine. Both awkward moments.

But before I get onto those stories, I need to declare some of my fears. And, guess what, I only get these fears at night. It's when I am alone with my thoughts, when no one can see my fear and when my imagination has the most control. I have had these thoughts before but, it was only last night that I made a mental decision to record them. If you thought I was brave, you are sadly mistaken. It's not that I pretend that I am, it's just that, more often than not, the moments of fear are always when no one is around, at night. (I know I have watched too much Spongebob when a phrase that I write sounds like the little yellow guys voice, in my head, and not my own; "At night". Anyone seen that episode?)

Anyway, my fears. I really feel as though I am not myself. I am not calm, I seem to have less patience and obviously the energy is not at all what it was. This really frightens me. After radiation, I will commence a five year treatment of tamoxifen. I am concerned that I won't feel like me. What if I continue to be agitated, grumpy, impatient, depleted of energy. It really concerns me. Of course, it's better to experience that than for the cancer to spread and die. I totally get that. But...Well, let's just get it out there that I do worry unnecessarily. What's the point in worrying. I have to take it. And, when I do I will do my best to do my research to discover what I can do to make the ride smoother. Not sure if I've convinced myself...

The radiation ride has been pretty smooth. I spoke with the nurse, tonight, about getting red. She said that, in the third week I will notice redness. If I am lucky, that will be the extent of my burn. Then, the skin will settle and return to some-kind of normal four weeks after my final treatment. I was glad to have that conversation. I'll be on the lookout next week.

Moments later, an older woman entered the waiting area. She told me her cancer story. Lucky for her, she was actually in for her last radiation and so, her cancer treatment was over. I felt so excited for her. When I came out of the radiation room (there's something to tell about that in a moment) I wanted to wish her well. I walked up to her, just a tiny detour on my way out. I wished her all the best and then there was that awkward moment. I wanted to just hold her hand but then the next thing I kissed her on the cheek. Ahhhh! What? How did that happen? It was so awkward. She leant towards me. I looked around. I went to hold her hand. She turned to the side. It was just majorly bizarre. Anyway, the husband (mine that is) made a comment because it must have looked even more awkward than it felt. For both parties? I'm not sure. But certainly for me. I felt so embarrassed. And then, as I walked out of the hospital, down to the car park, I couldn't stop thinking about the situation. How stupid. Why am I labouring over this? For goodness sakes, I kissed a woman who just went through a very scary breast cancer journey. Does it matter if we had an awkward kiss. It wasn't on the lips... I kissed a lady who had finished her cancer journey. That could never be an awkward thing. Right?

Well, the other incident occurred during the burn. To do the radiation thing the machine shoots from two angles. So, it starts on my right side. Then, the machine moves around me to position itself to burn me from the left side. Well, tonight, the machine stopped half way through! I was so scared. My heart was racing. My breath picked up pace. I wanted to scream. But who would hear me? Then the machine moved. But not completely to the other side. Should the machine mulfunciton and burn me right at that moment it would go straight through my heart. Nooooo! I waved at the camera, for a millisecond, just when the machine moved again. I kept still and allowed the machine to do its work. When the ladies returned (there are always two radiation therapists in the room), I felt so stupid. I went on to explain my fear. Guess what? She said that she saw my legs flinch and my tiny wave. I felt so exposed. Anyway, little did I know that there was another silly encounter just metres away on my way out.

The joys of being human, Oh, and here was my menu:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs with salad

Lunch: Red curry beef mince balls with salad and a muffin

Dinner: Red curry mince balls with veggies

Snack: Muffin

All in all, a good day. I hate to get repetitive. I promise not to sign off everyday like this; but, another one down.

Radiation Therapy 6 of 30

Today, I had an appointment with the doctor and the physio, before rads. And, because of those first two appointments, I had to go in during the day. To make things more interesting, I had child one and child two with me. Don't worry. I was totally prepared with colouring-in books and plenty of food. Of course, I didn't leave home without giving them a talking to about their behaviour.

I should have known that the day would not go as smoothly as I so desperately wanted. We began with seeing the doctor. I was so excited (sarcasm) when the doctor said that, I needed to have an ultrasound to check for a clot in my right arm. This was the result of my appointment with the physio. Great. I made my way to that department with the referral in my hand. It was a semi-urgent matter, the doctor said, so I was going to be seen to straight away. I looked down at both of my children, knowing that their jar of good behaviour was full; knowing however that it can all be poured out too early. I needed their cooperation. Was I asking too much? I feared that perhaps I was. My shoulders slumped when I was told that I would have to wait a half an hour for the ultrasound. For an adult, that is no big deal. An adult with two children...that was a different matter. I fought off the stress that I could feel was moving up into my neck. I decided that we would go outside and have a play on the grass.

What a wonderful idea that was. The three of us had a ball. It ended too quickly. Next thing, the we were back in the waiting room. We waited. And waited. And waited. A half an hour later (just breathe), I was called in (breathe) for the ultrasound. Child number one looked after child number two, as I endured the cold jelly on my neck and all the way down my arm. Fortunately, the ultrasound revealed what was expected. No clot. Good. I returned to the doctor.

I met with the doctor. Then, I met with the physio. I collected my glove but, not the sleeve. Apparently, my arm is too small for the sleeve to be effective. I left with the glove and a sheet explaining how it was to be cleaned. I was then off to have my rads.

A nurse (how wonderful is this?) sat with child one and two when it was my turn to go in. Nothing new happened in the dimly lit room with soft music playing. The radiographers measured, burned and then escorted me out of the room. Done. Another one down.

Tomorrow, my appointment is at a more suitable time and so, the children will not accompany me. At least now they know where I'm going each day...And, they weren't such bad company :)

As for the food, this is what I did on day 8 of my Whole30:

Breakfast: Peach and pecan scramble

Lunch: Tuna and egg salad

Dinner: Mint Pesto Chicken Stir-fry (Doesn't look great but it is so yummy!)

Snack: Date cookies

I'm so tired after this big day! It will be an early one for me.

What is this?

This afternoon, I felt out of sorts. When the family sat down to eat lunch, I decided to pass. I had no appetite at all. In fact, the very thought of food made me scrunch up my face in disgust. I opted for an afternoon nap but then, was persuaded by the husband to watch a movie. We relaxed in bed and watched a mildly humourous "comedy". The horizontal position was probably what fooled me into thinking that I was ok.

We were going to friends for dinner. So after the movie, I quickly got the children ready. That's when I got the head spins.

I have inherited unusually low blood pressure. So, for this reason, it really doesn't take much for me to feel light headed. I put it down to that. But, as we drove the half hour to our friends' place, I slunk in the passenger seat feeling weak and dizzy. What was going on? I wasn't reliving chemo side effects. It wasn't that bad. How bad was chemo? Honestly? I do not remember. It was too late to cancel and turn around now. When we arrived, I was still not myself. I plopped down on their couch and kept a low profile. It seemed that any movement sent me into a spin. I resigned to lying down. When I was in that position, I was fine. I was still able to be sociable. By the end of the evening (typical), I began to feel better. Then, when I walked out of our garage and into our dark house, I was back to normal. I don't know what that was all about.

So, what was it? Chemo dregs having fun? Surely, I am over that? My only signs of having had chemo are my patchy cheeks (they are clearing), hot flushes, weird coloured nails, odd shaped nails and the lack of hair.

I am very excited to report though, that my hair is growing!! (Totally deserves a double exclamation mark.) In fact, for the last few days, I am really struggling to wear head gear. I am just too hot. And, it's not the hot flushes. I reckon it's the hair saying, "We're back! We can do the job! You don't need the fake stuff!" I will wait until there is more coverage before a go out in public without a wig or scarf. Just when I was getting used to having no hair... Liar! I never got used to that. Grow, grow, grow!

Day six of my Whole30 saw this:

Breakfast: Leftover kangaroo rissoles on salad with mayo

Lunch: Felt too sick to eat :(

Snack: Protein shake (the husband convinced me to have this).

Dinner: Salmon and chicken on salad with sweet potato (at friends' place)

Snack: Nuts (thank you IGA for being open at 11pm). I actually purchased salted nuts; we always opt for the natural ones. I was really craving the salt though.

I don't think I have been doing rads long enough to be able to be relieved that I didn't have to go in for an appointment today. I'm sure as the weeks roll on, I will love the idea of not having to drive into the hospital for that burn session. So close to week two of rads. Nearly half way (sort of).

Rads: End of Week 1

I have finished one week of rads. It has gone so quick. Another five weeks to go. I definitely feel as though that is not a big ask. There is no evidence on my right side, as yet, that I am undergoing rad treatment. I have explained to my children that they need to be gentle with me, in anticipation of some discomfort in the coming weeks. So far, I'm good.

I woke up feeling tired, even though I had eight hours sleep. It doesn't seem as though that is going to be enough. The other thing though, is that I have not done any exercise this week. I know that that is not good. I friend, not knowing that I was keen as to do something active, volunteered to come around to do a workout and lunch with me. How cool is that? We did a great workout. Then, we ate lunch together. As I knew I would, I felt much better. Still tired of course. But, the fatigue didn't get worse as the afternoon went on.

The fatigue is not the same as that of the chemo. The chemo fatigue was heavy, coupled with not feeling well. It was like my whole body, from top to bottom, was tired. The fatigue I am experiencing now is the same that I would have if I had had a really interrupted night's sleep. I'm not sure if that correctly delineates the two. It'll do for now.

Rad appointments can be given anytime between 7am through to 9pm. Patients are given the opportunity to request a three-hour, preferred window. The most convenient time for us, which is also the least busy (I'm told) is the evening. So, tonight's appointment was late. We had a great run to the hospital, were seen to straight away and then a another great run home. No traffic, no waiting (no knitting). I must be in the DNA-damaging room for a total of five minutes. That's it. The long ride there and back is crazy considering it's for such a short appointment.

I have finished day five of my 30-day challenge. I feel as though I am doing well. Child number two has had a cold and even though I picked up a mild sore throat, I have been eating well enough for my body to fight off any further progression of the bug. Pow! Here is what today looked like:

Breakfast: Omelette with avocado and tomato as a side

Lunch: Roast Chicken, sweet potato fries and roast tomato on salad

Dinner: Kangaroo steak and rissoles on salad with mayo (so hungry I forgot to take a picture!)

Notes on this week: I am very much surprised at how fast this rad week has gone; as yet, the rad appointments are not annoying; I'm experiencing some fatigue but nothing too severe; I have managed to stay clear of any "naughty" cravings - I've fought them off with satiating protein meals.

Time to watch the next instalment of my favourite show. Adios!

Radiation Therapy 4 of 30

No sooner had I began using deodorant, in both arms, I have been told to stop. During the rads the only permitted product, to be used on the burn zone, is aqueous cream. So, it's back to one arm deodorising.

I think the fatigue has hit already. I had initially put it down to the weather but, today was another slow day. I did all the things I wanted to it's just that my energy was not where it should be. I feel a little silly admitting this. Maybe I'm tired because I was told that rads bring on fatigue. My understanding was that the fatigue comes close to the end; that it's cumulative. I don't know. Either way, I had a nap this afternoon. Tonight will not be a late one. I need to stay on top of it. Well, that's what the husband tells me.

The loss of energy is totally disempowering! I really liked (more like loved) being independent. I would never have wanted to be in a position where I would be so needy for help. For now, the days of doing everything on my own, because I am (or so I reckoned) superwoman, are gone. Will they come back? I'm sure they will, but I won't be as forceful about preserving my independence. It's actually not a bad thing; accepting other people's help. And, it doesn't reflect badly on me. I know that now. Is it fair to say that my so-called "independence" may have actually been hiding a truck load of pride? I won't be offended if the answer is yes.

Anyway, when I dropped my appointment book in at the rads desk, this evening, I was greeted by name. How good is that? I had knit three stitches when I was called in for the daily blast. It's funny...Obviously, I have to get undressed, top half only. And, when I walk to the machine (like five steps) I use a pillowcase to cover myself. As soon as I lie down the pillowcase is moved to cover my left breast. So much covering and uncovering goes on it's ridiculous. But, so considerate too. Isn't it about making it as easy on the patient as possible? Making them as comfortable as possible? I really do not believe that the staff at the hospital, when I consider all departments that I have ever had anything to do with there, could be any better. Our government really needs to be more generous with our nurses and doctors. They deserve it!

Day four of rads also marks day four of Whole30. Here's what came out of my kitchen:

Breakfast: Caesar salad

Lunch: Last night's leftovers and a muffin

Snack: Sweet potato pancakes on lettuce

Dinner: Tuna (with olive oil, no sugar) on spinach leaves, and a muffin.

Thursday night is typically our BBQ night. And, we have also made it our roo night. Roo, as in kangaroo. Yep, we eat kangaroo once a week. We try our best to track down grassfed meat. It's not easy. So, we figure that if we can guarantee a couple of meals a week that are grassfed (roo), we are better for it. Roo tomorrow.

I'm off to bed. I need eight hours sleep.

Radiation Therapy 3 of 30

I really believed that today I would be able to talk food. I was even trying out titles in my head earlier this afternoon. As it turns out, I do have something to report on radiation, so the other stuff will wait another day.

Today began as normal as any other. I have to admit though, that I did think of the Tough Bald Chicks a lot; some were having chemo for the last time, yesterday. I was reminded of the pain in my arm on the trip home, I remembered the lovely staff in daycare and I also remembered the anguish of the husband as he braced for absent-me. So, while I was happy to be past that, I knew that there were others in that position. I wish them a speedy recovery and am very excited for them to have beaten chemo.

I felt pretty lazy today. I'd like to blame that on the weather; cold and windy.

Anyway, I had a late afternoon physio appointment prior to my rads. As I have come to expect of all the staff now, the physio was so kind. I discussed, with her, the concerns I had regarding my swollen arm. She measured strategic points of both of my arms and saw a significant difference. This difference warranted weekly appointments and a sleeve and a glove. It's "prophylactic" she told me. Even though I only had four lymph nodes removed, even though I had exercised and even though I had incurred no injury (even that as small as an insect bite) to my arm, the physio was concerned that my arm was moving towards symptoms of lymphedema. And, it is likely to get worse during radiation. I will certainly look the patient with this grande bandage-type accessory. Fortunately, perhaps, for me, there was a mix up and I will not receive my cool fashion item until Monday. So, I have a weekend of freedom before I don the all-day wear. Yes, it wasn't news that I wanted to hear. But, it's no big deal really.

After the physio, I went straight through to my rads. I didn't have to wait today. I was seen to straight away. I only got one stitch in. I was looking forward to doing a little knitting. Oh well, I have 27 more chances at that... When I get into the teens I think I'll be pretty excited. Come on thirty treatments, I want to celebrate the end of this chapter.

It's the third day of my Whole30. I was really hungry this afternoon; before my physio/rads appointment. So, I made an extra meal. But, I really haven't had any cravings yet for the off-limits foods. That's real good. Having meals that fill me up are the key, I reckon, to keeping to the regime. Anyway, this was my food journey (yum!):

Breakfast: Peach and Pecan Scramble

Lunch: Leftover rissoles, salad, eggs and mayo

Extra meal: Fried chicken and tomatoes

Snack: A few almonds

Dinner: Meatballs in bolognaise with broc

Snack: Coconut bark

I learnt two things today, at the hospital. A study is currently being conducted on the benefits of doing weighted exercise while undergoing treatment for breast cancer. The study is leaning towards the result that doing weighted exercise is not a bad thing. The second new piece of information, I gained today, was that patients who experience fatigue are actually encouraged to walk. These two things are now a justification for me to keep exercising. Yeah, yeah, I won't push it but...I will exercise (even if it's light) in order to fight off the fatigue (and because I want to *folds arms and stomps feet*).

P.S.

I forgot to mention, in Monday's post, a little moment in child one's Spanish class. At the beginning of the lesson, the teacher asked the children what they were doing after class. It was soon my child's turn to answer. Here is how it went:

Teacher: And what are you doing after class?

Child #1: Going to the hospital.

Teacher: Do you know someone who is sick?

Child #1: Yes. Mum. She is having radiation. She has had chemo.

I felt really sad at that. I don't know why though. I questioned the husband, perhaps he could explain why I just had such a pain in my heart. There is understanding there, we had wanted that. But, why did I feel upset about it? I don't know. Anyway, the hope is that in a year or two, child number one will simply remember spending lots of time with friends and family. And not, the occasional visit to the hospital and certainly not the week we got the diagnosis.

Radiation Therapy 2 of 30

There is so much that I didn't get out last time I checked in. Things like, the waiting room, the staff, the tingling and some stupid thoughts of mine.

So, when a patient enters the Radiation Department they are required to hand over their appointment book to the staff and walk around to the waiting room. This wing of the hospital is all new. It's flash as. In the waiting room, patients may sit and stare at each other, chat with their BYO support person, read magazines (supplied), wash their hands with disinfectant as often as they like or knit (knitting needles and wool supplied).

My time in the waiting room allowed me to see other cancer patients undergoing treatment. This is always a great way to get some perspective on my own "troubles". There sat a man whose lips were blistered. The skin around his lips, and particularly on one side of his face, was red raw. There is no way that man is able to talk, eat, swallow, or even smile without some severe pain. I can definitely be grateful that treatment, for me, will not be debilitating. Tonight, I knit as I waited to be called in for my rads. The nurse informed me that once sufficient knitting had occurred that she sews all the pieces together. The final product is then donated to St Vincent de Paul. I felt happy to be contributing to the knitting box.

The department is so well run. Everything seems to have been considered. Tonight, the husband was able to come into the room where the rads are delivered. The radiographer explained how the laser worked and was prepared to answer any questions we threw at her. What a fortunate little Aussie I am to be receiving such top treatment!

Yesterday, when I returned home from my first treatment, I was sure that I could feel a tingling sensation in my right breast. I am told that it is not until week two of treatment that the effects are seen and felt. Is it all in my head? Am I an attention seeker? Who knows. Actually, the doctor probably could answer those questions. But, there is no way I am willing to ask. If it is in my head, I will feel pretty silly. The doctor will think I am an attention seeker. Don't want that.

As I held onto the bars (hands above head) and the laser positioned itself, for the first time, I was having reservations about doing this to my body. Would you like your breast tissue burnt? Yes, please. What was I thinking? Shall we strap you down? No thanks, I'll willingly sit still for it to happen. Is this the right thing to do? Anyway, the fact remains that as I received my treatment (although not so much today) I was wondering whether I really wanted to be burnt. Too late. I've received it. It is burning the cancer. Move on. But...

I have now completed Day 2 of my Whole30. So, the rules are, for thirty-days, no sugar, gluten, legumes, dairy or grains. This basically means nothing processed. We've been doing this as a family for eight months. We are loving the results and intend to maintain this way of eating for the rest of our lives. Here's what the family (including two children) ate today:

Breakfast: Pancakes

Snack: Coconut Bark

Lunch: Omelette

Dinner: Rissoles and veggies

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I don't mind having to drive to the hospital. It's too early to be complaining about the half hour trip. And, since the rads aren't going to be too different, (I don't think), from day to day, I might actually get to share about other stuff: the novel I am in the process of writing, being a paleo family, how I ate away cancer and raising children. See ya!

Radiation Therapy 1 of 30

We (the husband is doing it too) decided to kick off the diet with an IF (intermittent fast). That meant, no breakfast this morning. So, with an empty belly, I took child number one to their Spanish lesson.

By the time we came home, I was pretty hungry. We had a salmon and egg salad, and a muffin for dessert. Once lunch was out of the way, both children were ready for their nap. While they slept, I quickly cleaned up the house. Then, before I had a chance to think about it, we were leaving for the hospital. Today was my first radiation therapy appointment.

A friend joined me on this trip. Her role was babysitter as well as moral support. I was so distracted by our conversation, that I really didn't have a chance to panic. Thanks! Our wait was longer than I imagined but, once I was seen to it all went so quick.

While I was in the waiting room, the chair that I was to sit in was set up according to the measurements gained from the planning meeting. Moments later, I was called in and directed to lie in the chair. Three people moved about me, calling out numbers (measurements) and moving the sheet underneath me (putting me in the correct position). Soon it was clear that I was in place; a machine began to move around me. I was reassured that the movement was just to make sure that my body was not going to obstruct it in any way. I wasn't. All three people left the dimly lit room (it was a stark contrast to the blasting white lights in the waiting room) and I tried to relax myself as a familiar track played softly. Talk about attention to detail. Music was playing, just for me! I know the song but can't remember the name. It had the words, "writings on the wall". But that's not the name of it. (I have tried to google it but I can't think of any other words that will direct me to the song.) Anyway, I heard that song in its entirety and the beginning of a second. That was all the time I spent in there. It wouldn't even have been ten minutes. Before long I was getting dressed, fixing up my wig and walking out of there. One down! Twenty-nine to go...

The first three rads will last that "long". That's because I had to have an x-ray first. The x-ray is double checked with the planning appointment scan. It's obviously pretty important for all the measurements to be correct (within five millimetres is acceptable I was told). This way, the therapists can be sure that they are burning the same area. Thereafter, an x-ray will only be done once a week. So, on Thursday and Friday I can look forward to an even shorter appointment.

Between now and the next appointment, I am required to apply aqueous cream three times (but not less than an hour before the next dose). Rads dry out the skin, so this is to counteract that.

Tomorrow, my appointment is in the evening (the ideal for us). On Wednesday, I am scheduled to see a physio. How good is that?

My twelve week chemo treatment is now officially over. The only thing that I can complain about, with regard to that, is my itchy head. I think the little bit of hair that I have is getting tired of being hidden beneath the wigs.

I made it through Day 1 of my Whole30. I didn't have any cravings for anything and was happy that I was able to sustain the IF. Here are my meals:

Breakfast: IF

Lunch: Salmon and Egg Salad, and a muffin

Dinner: Red Curry (Chicken) and sweet potato fries on lettuce

It's hard to believe that I am to head back up to the hospital tomorrow. I have a parking permit this time so I will only be charged $2. I am certainly not worried about tomorrow. The veil has been lifted from the unknown.

Eve

'Twas the night before radiation...

I was feeling nervous about rads. Now, it seems, that the nervousness has disappeared. This is me. I won't be nervous now until I see the sign directing me to my appointment. Then, well, I will probably want to cry. Not out of being upset but, because I will be scared; of the unknown of course.

For the next six weeks, weights are out. I would like to think that I will still have the energy to do exercise though. Sigh.

I'm excited to be starting my Whole30 (whole9life.com/2011/06/whole-30-v4/) tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to it. While on chemo, I cheated and had gluten-free biscuits and ice-cream. So, I definitely feel that I need to dedicate a month to eating clean. After the thirty days, I will be keen to just keep going on the paleo regime, with the addition of the occasional bacon, sausages and dark chocolate. To farewell old habits I had Mark Sisson's Dark Chocolate Coconut Mousse tonight (marksdailyapple.com). Yum.

I have used my homemade laundry powder (recipe below). The clothes seemed to be clean when I took them out of the machine. Unfortunately, all of my clothes are still on the line because of the rain. Hopefully, I will be able to bring the washing in tomorrow and really examine the results. In the next batch I will definitely seek out a fragrance to add to the powder. I am on my way to a chemical-free home!

And so, the last leg of my journey begins.

LAUNDRY POWDER

4 cups borax

2 cups soap flakes (or 2 cups grated soap)

2 cups washing soda

2 cups baking soda

(essential oil optional)

Mix well.

Keep in an airtight container.

Use 1/8 cup per full load.

Healthy Days

I'm feeling good. I'm healthy. And, the best part of it is knowing that chemo is not lurking around the next corner.

My twelve week cycle will be officially over Tuesday week. But, in my mind it's already done. I get so excited when I think about the fact that I have come to the end of chemo! It's amazing! While I made it through the low immune period unscathed, I have a strange itch on my chemo arm; where the chemo was received there is a tiny rash. It's terribly itchy. If the itch doesn't go away in the next couple of days, I will make a phone call. That's all, in terms of side effects.

The fatigue seems to have lifted. I have had a pretty busy weekend and it didn't take too much out of me. We had friends over on Friday night and watched a movie together. Then, we had an early start Saturday morning; doing crossfit. I did the Barbara workout (20 pull ups, 30 push ups, 40 sit ups and 50 squats - x5) in just under an hour. It's not the greatest time, but I absolutely enjoyed participating. Saturday night we watched the next episode of our favourite television show and then a movie. On Sunday, I watched others fish, went to the circus, did the grocery shopping (in person), cleaned the house and then had friends over in the evening. This is likely to be the biggest weekend I have had in three months!

Wearing a wig out in the sun, today, was not a good idea. As soon as I got to the car, I wrenched it from my head. It was gross to wipe so much sweat from my head. Yuk! I am so thankful that my chemo was received, and therefore my hair loss, in the cold months. Just as the weather is heating up, my hair is due to begin its return and I won't have to endure wearing a wig. Very good.

I have decided to begin my Whole30 the same day that I begin radiation. While we do eat paleo already, doing the Whole30 will mean that for 30 days I will not have bacon, sausages or dark chocolate (our only deviation). It won't be too different to how we currently eat. I will be eating completing clean. It will be a detox. I will document my meals and rad (cool word for radiation therapy) progress too. Right, I'm excited about that.

The Wind Is In My Hair

I am very excited about my last chemo now! There are only three more sleeps until Tuesday. I have been in good health (with fatigue not bothering me too much), in the past two weeks. My hope is that my body will be strong enough to take the last taxotere and cyclophosphamide combo, with little hinderance to my days and nights. The last two days have been great and a testament to one's greater need for good relationships than the need for food for comfort (although a thick based, cheesy, oily pizza would satisfy albeit for a mere 10 minutes or so).

My paleo diet has been compromised somewhat during chemo. While there was no way I was going to do gluten, on the days where I struggled to taste anything, I did indulge on gluten free biscuits and some dark chocolate (it was only 70% not the 80% that I should have had). That's all though! Once I feel as though I am through the worst of the chemo side effects, I want to do the Whole30. All this will mean is that I will be absolutely strict in my paleo diet. This will give me a chance to detox. The husband has just finished his Whole30 so I am so keen to do mine. Of course, once the thirty days are up we will continue to eat paleo, but it will mean that we can add 80% dark chocolate and sausages/bacon (as a treat). This will be a serious anti-cancer lifestyle change. I'm so looking forward to it.

Speaking of eating... I have had some serious cravings for salty food, So, I have been adding a little salt to my cooking (even though we really have cut that out) and I just couldn't resist some sliced apple with salt sprinkled on top. Another strange side effect, and I assume it is from the chemo, is that I have a watering left eye. For around a week now, I have had to carry a tissue ready to dab at my eye. My eye is not sore, red or swollen. It is just tearing all the time. I promise I'm not crying!

Friday I shared the morning with a beautiful friend. Then, in the evening the husband and I finished a mocumentary series (loved it!) and then watched an episode of our latest television series. That night, I had a most interrupted sleep. The night sweats disturbed my sleep. My beanie and blankets were going on and off.

On Saturday morning, I awoke pumped for a group crossfit session. I participated in a thirty-minute AMRAP that consisted of 5 dead lifts (very light weights for me), 13 pushups and 9 box jumps. I was happy with my effort and felt strong. My arm did swell a little during the workout. So, even though my initial thought was that the swelling was not related to exercise, I have a feeling that it is. Anyway, the exercise is good, and I had taken it easy. I think I will just need to be in tune with my body to know when it's too much. I don't think yesterday was too much.

In the afternoon, I sat in a massage chair and enjoyed a spa pedicure. I haven't had my nails painted for a few months. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I stopped using anything that would present itself as a toxin to my body. Nail polish was one of them. I won't be wearing it as much as I had in the past. It will be a special occasion thing now. Yeah, I know. I am so turning into a weirdo. It was very relaxing to sit and enjoy the company of a good friend. My two little toes were not too sore. That was good. I was worried that they may give me trouble. They are not as sensitive as they were. It's just so bizarre to have sore toes... I will definitely check with the oncologist about that.

The other point I wanted to raise with the oncologist was how I go about finding out whether cancer is in my genes. In a previous consultation, a doctor recommended that I speak with a genealogist to have tests conducted. While I would be most upset to discover that this gene could be hiding in one of my children, I do believe that it would be better to know now than later.

I am very much approaching this last chemo with high expectations. Although, let's face it, if I do happen to experience some severe side effects this time round, do you think I will really care?