Crespo

This month I'm doing 30 days of strict paleo. I am surprised at how easy I have found it so far. This time last year, I remember us madly searching the internet for paleo treats. This time around, giving up the treats has been no big deal. What I have found difficult has been giving up the fruit.

A few days before the new year, I read how sugar (and we've all heard this before) feeds cancer. So, unless it's a treat or after a workout, I'm going to stay away from ye ol' fructose. I have also had a good few new recipes in the rotation that I wish to share. But, another time.

I am excited to report that my state of menopause was only temporary. I'm outta there. Strangely enough, I felt so good at this. I thought that I was ok about being in menopause, but like so many things along this journey, you never know how you are going to feel or react at different points. So, I'm happy at this news. It also marks another step away from cancer and its treatment.

That hair. The hair is growing back curly. Yep. I thought I would always like to have curly hair. But you guessed it, now that I have it, I'm not quite sure. I have a feeling that I may be parading a Marge-style do, because the curls are just pushing my hair up higher and higher. Oh well, better that than nothing...

As I type I stop to admire my nails. Now, I've never had particularly beautiful nails but I think because they have looked so atrocious these past few months that now that they have grown (pink and white now) and they have a little clear nail polish they look amazing. Well, to me anyway.

Next week my youngest begins childcare for the first time. And, my oldest starts prep. I am so excited for both. In fact, just this week, the husband and I off-loaded the last of our baby stuff. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed absolutely every part of being the mother of babies but man, it's so exciting to be moving away from that too. I am very much looking forward to the new challenges that lie ahead.

I would like to take a vow that I won't complain about having to do the school run, that I will not regret signing the children up for Spanish lessons and I promise to commit to memory all of the information that the prep school provides. Actually...can I take any of that back?

My long, short hair

When I shaved my head, during chemo, I couldn't believe how short my hair was. I ran my hands through my hair non-stop. Now, I'm sure my hair is shorter, but I'm doing the same thing. Except it's because I can't believe how long it is. Perspective changes everything. I've gone from no hair to some hair and, it's a celebration.

I was thinking today how ridiculous it is. Many people have told me that my hair is so long. Let's face it, it's short as. But, yeah, I think it's long too. Sad.

Yesterday, I went into the fruit shop without headgear. Today, I wasn't feeling as confident and put something on my head when I went for a walk (my lame excuse was that my head might get sunburnt). Either way, this weekend, I'm doing it. I'm ditching the scarves. I'm ditching the wigs (they're gross anyway, they look like animals). I'm done.

I couldn't put off taking tamoxifen any later. I was absolutely fine (in a way) about taking the meds after I spoke with the chemo doctor. Then, when I went to the pharmacy, they gave me a booklet all about the drug. It freaked me out! When I took the tablet this morning, I waited for something to happen. Nothing. Good. Here's to nothing for the next five years.

Today felt like a Friday. I just felt really relaxed. Seriously, I am still getting better day by day. It's amazing. *Sings Rihanna's "Cheers"*

What is this?

This afternoon, I felt out of sorts. When the family sat down to eat lunch, I decided to pass. I had no appetite at all. In fact, the very thought of food made me scrunch up my face in disgust. I opted for an afternoon nap but then, was persuaded by the husband to watch a movie. We relaxed in bed and watched a mildly humourous "comedy". The horizontal position was probably what fooled me into thinking that I was ok.

We were going to friends for dinner. So after the movie, I quickly got the children ready. That's when I got the head spins.

I have inherited unusually low blood pressure. So, for this reason, it really doesn't take much for me to feel light headed. I put it down to that. But, as we drove the half hour to our friends' place, I slunk in the passenger seat feeling weak and dizzy. What was going on? I wasn't reliving chemo side effects. It wasn't that bad. How bad was chemo? Honestly? I do not remember. It was too late to cancel and turn around now. When we arrived, I was still not myself. I plopped down on their couch and kept a low profile. It seemed that any movement sent me into a spin. I resigned to lying down. When I was in that position, I was fine. I was still able to be sociable. By the end of the evening (typical), I began to feel better. Then, when I walked out of our garage and into our dark house, I was back to normal. I don't know what that was all about.

So, what was it? Chemo dregs having fun? Surely, I am over that? My only signs of having had chemo are my patchy cheeks (they are clearing), hot flushes, weird coloured nails, odd shaped nails and the lack of hair.

I am very excited to report though, that my hair is growing!! (Totally deserves a double exclamation mark.) In fact, for the last few days, I am really struggling to wear head gear. I am just too hot. And, it's not the hot flushes. I reckon it's the hair saying, "We're back! We can do the job! You don't need the fake stuff!" I will wait until there is more coverage before a go out in public without a wig or scarf. Just when I was getting used to having no hair... Liar! I never got used to that. Grow, grow, grow!

Day six of my Whole30 saw this:

Breakfast: Leftover kangaroo rissoles on salad with mayo

Lunch: Felt too sick to eat :(

Snack: Protein shake (the husband convinced me to have this).

Dinner: Salmon and chicken on salad with sweet potato (at friends' place)

Snack: Nuts (thank you IGA for being open at 11pm). I actually purchased salted nuts; we always opt for the natural ones. I was really craving the salt though.

I don't think I have been doing rads long enough to be able to be relieved that I didn't have to go in for an appointment today. I'm sure as the weeks roll on, I will love the idea of not having to drive into the hospital for that burn session. So close to week two of rads. Nearly half way (sort of).

Healthy Days

I'm feeling good. I'm healthy. And, the best part of it is knowing that chemo is not lurking around the next corner.

My twelve week cycle will be officially over Tuesday week. But, in my mind it's already done. I get so excited when I think about the fact that I have come to the end of chemo! It's amazing! While I made it through the low immune period unscathed, I have a strange itch on my chemo arm; where the chemo was received there is a tiny rash. It's terribly itchy. If the itch doesn't go away in the next couple of days, I will make a phone call. That's all, in terms of side effects.

The fatigue seems to have lifted. I have had a pretty busy weekend and it didn't take too much out of me. We had friends over on Friday night and watched a movie together. Then, we had an early start Saturday morning; doing crossfit. I did the Barbara workout (20 pull ups, 30 push ups, 40 sit ups and 50 squats - x5) in just under an hour. It's not the greatest time, but I absolutely enjoyed participating. Saturday night we watched the next episode of our favourite television show and then a movie. On Sunday, I watched others fish, went to the circus, did the grocery shopping (in person), cleaned the house and then had friends over in the evening. This is likely to be the biggest weekend I have had in three months!

Wearing a wig out in the sun, today, was not a good idea. As soon as I got to the car, I wrenched it from my head. It was gross to wipe so much sweat from my head. Yuk! I am so thankful that my chemo was received, and therefore my hair loss, in the cold months. Just as the weather is heating up, my hair is due to begin its return and I won't have to endure wearing a wig. Very good.

I have decided to begin my Whole30 the same day that I begin radiation. While we do eat paleo already, doing the Whole30 will mean that for 30 days I will not have bacon, sausages or dark chocolate (our only deviation). It won't be too different to how we currently eat. I will be eating completing clean. It will be a detox. I will document my meals and rad (cool word for radiation therapy) progress too. Right, I'm excited about that.

The Last Effects

It is with great joy that I endure the last side effects of chemo. Of course, the fatigue made its appearance.

The last three mornings, I have risen from bed feeling light. That's the best way for me to describe the fatigue. But, it was only when the fatigue lifted, somewhat, that I came to be able to explain it in such terms. Fatigue is heavy. It weighs you down. It anchors you emotionally, physically and mentally. When I'm in that place, I am unable to comprehend how everyone around me is able to make plans, fulfil them and then have energy to spare. The thought of making up my bed just doesn't register. It's registering now though. I did my best house clean up today. I feels great to be back!

No more hair has fallen out. Aside from some fine hair poking up, I am completely bald. It must be quite a sight when the husband rolls over, in the middle of the night, and sees a bald woman (beanie off because of one of the many night sweats - they continue!) next to him. My hair will begin to grow back soon. I looked longingly at hair-photos (of me) today. I'm definitely ready for hair. Research tells me that the paleo way encourages fast hair growth. I'm going to eat my hair back (another paragraph ending in this word...can it continue?).

My hands are looking so old these days. The chemo really dries out the skin. And, both my hands and feet are not their usual colour. Even my nails look strange. I wonder when the circulation will improve enough for the youthful, healthy colour to come back?

What else to report? The twin patches, on my cheeks, have not become red. And so, they have not spread any further than what they did in the last cycle. It's too late for them to do so now. Good. What I have noticed though, is that the discolouration is retreating. To even toned skin, let me welcome you back.

A strange side effect that has carried over from the last cycle is my forever twitching eye. For two weeks, my eye has twitched. Not consistently. Randomly. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. That same eye has watered too, in the same way; just when it feels like it (usually when I don't have a tissue to dab at it). Now, that same eye has a sty. I believe it represents the stress that my body has been under over the last couple of months. None of these problems have been painful though. Annoying? Very! Another thing. While lying next to child one, I noticed something that I was missing. White eyes! Check out a child's eyes. The sclera (thanks Google) is so white. My sclera is not looking (pun unintended) good these days. I'm told that this shows that the liver is under fire. I have some wonderful bags under my eyes too. But really, do you think I care, now? No way. I'll get my good health back.

Yes, I think it is a fair call to say that I am through the worst. Chemo has no power over me. I will now concentrate on smashing these side effects with good nutrition, sufficient rest and (I can't wait to start back again) exercise.

Chemo, It Wasn't Nice Knowing You

A GP told me today that 90-95% of breast cancer patients have no family history. How is it that I am nearly two thirds of the way through treatment and did not get that message? There must be so many women (and men) who believe themselves to be safe. It's worrying to think that this disease can simply pop up anywhere, anytime.

Well, tomorrow is my last chemo. I have been drinking many cups of water and have been spending far too much time in the "ladies". It's vein pumping time!

As for side effects, I am pleased to report that my two little toes seem to be through their dark days. There is no pain there at all now. The sensation in my fingernails and toenails has also disappeared. So, for this round, I have kept all twenty nails. Win. I have had lots of wins in my third round of chemo. I am prepared for an even better fight with my final chemo. Seriously, if I experience a bad run, I will be totally shocked. My expectations are high. And, usually I would want to be keeping the worst case scenario at the forefront of my mind, but that has been tossed out the window. Bring it on. Actually, I am especially wanting my adrenalin to be so high that I won't find the cannula insertion so scary. I never want to do a cannula again, after tomorrow!

My eye is still tearing. Throughout my Unbearable workout tonight (21-15-9: bear complex and crossfit pushups), I had a steady flow of tears from my left eye. My face still has a patch for each cheek (a great look thanks, Mr Chemo). But, my sore wrist seems to have subsided. Another win.

More positives include, the fact that I am feeling more comfortable with a wig. I still worry that it may reveal my non-existent side burns or slide a little to show my hair line, but I'm not as paranoid.

I've had my steroids today (chemo prep med), and will go some more early tomorrow morning. My nurse is booked in to give me the neulasta needle 24 hours after chemo. I have cleaned the house and cooked up a storm. The babysitter is ready and my mum is my chemo buddy for the last round. All I need to do is pack my bag: blood form, ID book, list of questions, gluten free treat for the two-hour chemo treatment, a bottle of water, purse, phone, lipgloss (I've got to look good for the photo upload!).

Mr Chemo, I don't mean to be a user but once you have killed all my cells (and ultimately the cancerous ones), for the last time, I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other ever again. It's not you...it's me. Actually, just bugger off!

Goodbye Follicles

I thought I had dandruff. As it turned out, it was just the next lot of hair unloosening itself from the follicles. This is that story...(and some others)

While watching our favourite (at the moment) mocumentary, I scratched my head. I couldn't believe it. There was a moment there where I thought I had discovered that I had dandruff. If I hadn't been receiving chemo that would have been the obvious response. Under the spell of chemo though means that I am more likely be be scratching at a side effect. It was simply dry skin. My scalp was crying out for its daily fix of aqueous cream.

Before stepping into the shower, I admired my shiny head (which isn't so fair anymore) and inspected the disappearing scar (thanks Mr High Intensity Vitamin E cream) from the lumpectomy. I gave my head a good scrub with the cream. I brought my hands around to rinse off the excess cream. It was Tuesday. I forgot! Only then, as I stared at my hands, did the puzzle pieces fall into place (how cliche? who hasn't used that phrase?). Well, they did ok? Tuesday, one week after chemo, has been when hair things happen. There was hair all over my hand. I reached around and pinched at bits of hair. I could actually pull them out. It didn't hurt, at all. I could feel nothing. The last ones.

Although only minor, I have experienced pain in my fingernails. I've been knocking my fingers into everything. And, they are actually sensitive. I must have always given my fingernails a good bashing in my day to day movement, but now I am feeling it. That coupled with the discolouration of my nail, closest to my cuticle, in some fingers, is my most discomforting side effect today. I can't complain.

Another good point? The fatigue is still there but certainly not as intense as that which I experienced after my last round of chemo. I'm feeling pretty good!

The red splotch is back though, sort of. After it changed to a dark patch on my cheek bone it never completely disappeared. Now, with the poisons of the latest chemo swimming around my system, there is redness again. It is still limited to one side of my face. But, it is growing. I do have a prescription for it, but that was only if it became pimply. And, that hasn't happened yet. So, I'll be like Mariah Carey and only have photos taken of my good side.

I keep forgetting to include an interesting quote from child number one. The other day, I was asked, "Mum, will you die after your last chemo?" The question was posed without emotion, matter-of-factly. I wasn't even upset that it was posed. But, it did present to me that I needed to have another chat about the whole breast cancer process. Because, quite clearly, what I had said, and what child number one could see was a little confusing. I will look for a casual, no-big-deal opportunity to discuss cancer with the four year old again.

Hair

I slept all through the night. It was amazing. Sleep, while I do get over lying in bed, is the best eliminator of chemo side effects. Of course, that's if you can get it. And, I got it! I even had a wonderful sleep in! And, when I rolled out of bed, I instantly felt that I was much better than the day before. I wasn't expecting that.

Today, marks me beginning my recovery from the third dose of chemo. Tomorrow though, brings low immunity, and that will last until Friday. While I'm ecstatic to be going to bed feeling pretty good, I am very much aware of how quickly things can change. A runny nose, an undercooked meal or even one of my own bugs (in my belly) could set off a chain reaction that would mean an Emergency Department check-in.

So, with only the continuance of my nails lifting from the bed (although none have fallen off) I have nothing to report in terms of side effects today. Oh yeah, actually, I have a tiny ulcer on my tongue. I totally deserve it though because I am sick of rinsing my mouth (yep, already). Such a rebel, I know. Oh, and hair loss. So forgetful. That's a chemo thing too.

For the most part, I am bald. I have a small patch that I don't think will last. My bald head now requires cream as opposed to shampoo and conditioner. I made the change last week. I "wash my hair" with aqueous cream. I'm satisfied with that. Surprisingly, I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. Two separate people have commented that both seem thinner. I have to second that. But, they are both well and truly there. I hope they stay. Honestly, I am rubbish at putting on fancy makeup. If my eyebrows disappear, I may just opt for a monobrow because I have a ruler and that would just be easier...

I have not shaved under my armpits (eeewww!) since the week of the lumpectomy. I am talking a good couple of months there. And, I am proud to say that the hair has disappeared! Quite a while ago actually. While I'm talking armpits, I may as well share that I have only been putting deodorant on under my left arm. Why? Because, since I had trouble with the wound (under my arm) during the first chemo and then when the wound opened up, I have been too scared to do it. Even as I type that I can't even convince myself to start doing it now. I am literally too scared. It's unreasonable too. What would happen? Truthfully, there is some affected part of my brain that thinks the application of deodorant will reopen the wound. Yes, it's ridiculous. I'm just not ready. Hi, I'm Alicia and I have a fear of putting deodorant under my right arm.

Finally, my legs. There are a few straggling hairs which I can actually just pluck out. For real! It doesn't even hurt. I'm not interested in doing that though. I just did it to test.

I can now count two perks to having breast cancer. Aside from the obvious ones like, other people cook for me, I get whatever I want, I get to lie in bed all day...

PERKS:

1. Chemo patients are seen to immediately upon arrival to the Emergency Department

2. Chemo patients don't have to bother with shaving/waxing for a while

I wonder if I get to add anymore to my list of two?

Who Sank The Boat?

In the warmth of my bathroom, I take off my beanie. It's a sorry sight, I'm afraid. For the first time I look bald. There are a few patches around the back. But if I look straight into the mirror, I am bald. My theory is that I will be hairless, apart from the fine hair that insists on hanging about, by the next treatment. The hair loss has really been a slow process. Not as dramatic as I had imagined. My eyebrows and eyelashes are still there. I can be thankful for that.

Day One in the cycle has been ok. I was so excited to have bowel movement today (remember I said that I would include it all). I resist the notion of breast cancer taking over my life but it's so hard not to get caught up in it all. I recall having two newborns and my monitoring of their wet and soiled nappies. Someone's got to do it, right? Well, the aforementioned occurrence meant that I wouldn't need any assistance. Good news.

I had two naps today; one in the morning and another in the afternoon. Again, I wasn't falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It's just that I get the need for my body to rest. Despite my rest, by the end of the day I was so on edge. Nothing anyone did was good enough, quiet enough or quick enough. This is not me. I'm usually more patient. I will blame the chemo or the hormones. It's just not me. So, I hear this is pretty normal. While it's great to hear I'm not alone, when I'm in the moment of being totally annoyed beyond belief it's hard. It will pass though. A couple of days of that perhaps? Sorry mi familia.

My elbows have been sore. I am not sure whether it's the aches and pains that come with chemo or if it's more to do with the workouts I had been doing in the week before chemo. Either way, it will be something that I will keep an eye on.

In my crazy obsession to stay away from germy humans I have had to knock back a few outings this round. That's a downer. On the upside, a few months ago my surgeon had commented that in the scheme of things this short amount of time given to the treatment of breast cancer is such a small percentage of my life. So, I often quote that. It's true. I suppose it can be said of most of the things that we experience in life. Things are all consuming when we walk through them but once we get to the other side it never seems as bad. Or at least, we are able to see the good that can actually come out of terrible situations. I've been fortunate enough to hear a number of speakers share some tragedies in their life and they have become stronger. When I think of them, my challenge is small. And, even now, I think I am able to say that this cancer has brought more good than bad. I have learnt much, grown a lot and had a few of my own little ideas turned on their head. How else would I have got all that in a few months? No regrets here.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind a remote control to fast-forward through the next week. Tomorrow marks the day in the last cycle when I began my three day stint in bed. If I wake up feeling ok, that would be amazing. It would mean that I may skip that. Oh please let it be! We'll see.

What I have been seeing in myself though are definitely signs of menopause. What? I'm thirty and I am going through menopause? Weird. During the night I have been waking feeling all sweaty. Yes, on these cold winter nights. I just found out that they are called, night sweats. I have to admit I don't get the whole menopause thing. Will I be experiencing this for ages? Do I get these side effects for a bit and then do they pass? Am I now officially infertile? So many questions? Why don't women talk about these things? Have they been talking and was I just not listening? That, my friends, is more than likely.

And, as for the question, "Who sank the boat?" The needle nearly had me tonight. Neulasta is it's name. It reduces the risk of infection caused by the rapid decline of white blood cells. It enabled my oncologist to site my blood results as being "perfect" when I went in for my chemo yesterday. Before my personal nurse arrived (mother-in-love), I held the husband and confessed that I was upset about the needle. He matter-of-factly- reminded me that I had been through far worse. I didn't cry (although I really wanted to). It was enough. I (start playing the violins) have always been so fearful of doctors, nurses, hospitals and here I was appendix-less, I'd had two emergency caesarean sections, a lumpectomy, an auxiliary clearance and chemo and still so pathetically weak. One would really think that you would get used to all this medical attention. Well, I haven't. And, as things roll on it's clear that I never will. I allowed the needle to be given. It was sore. I whinged. I cringed. It was over. Thank you (not really).

No plans for tomorrow. Will see what it brings.

It's No Longer Cool

The itch is back. And, it is has created two problems. My head is cold, of course, it's winter. So, I have had to wear something on my head all the time. The only trouble has been that having anything on my head irritates because it pushes my hair in the wrong directions! So, all of yesterday and during the night I was finding myself scratching, repositioning my hat, taking it off and putting it on. Not a big discomfort, I know, but it's there. You know what this means, right? The chemo, the second round, was now going to encourage some more hair loss.

Just after lunch, child number two became very clingy. This little one is full of action so, while I was totally enjoying all the the snuggles I knew that something was not right. I got myself comfortable and, for the first time in ages, I watched some midday television. I was very shocked when my youngest fell into a restless sleep. What happened next was disgusting. It was foul. But, it was also a mother showing such deep love. Child number two looked into my eyes and with a great heave, which I felt from deep within their tiny belly, I was blasted with scrambled eggs, juice, water, pumpkin soup, meat and vegetables. My motherly instincts took over and I sat and endured it. I even curled my shoulders around to cup the overflow so as to protect the beanbag and floor from the half-digested conglomerate of meals. My nasal passages refused to allow the stench in as I patiently waited for the heaves to stop and the the child's face to relax. Both came. With balance, that any circus performer would admire, I carried myself, the child and the meals to the bathroom.

In no time, child number two was playing in the bath and I was in the shower (of course I was watching!). It was then that I was able to wash my hair. So much hair came out! I stood and rinsed until most of the loose hair had fallen. It was pretty gross to run my hands through my hair and see so much black in my palms! My hair has continued to fall out. I am back to wearing a cap with the idea that it will catch the hair.

With so much of my scalp exposed, it really is not a good look. I will keep scarves and wigs on when I'm out in public. And, when I'm at home, I just keep the beanies on to keep out the cold.

I have felt pretty good today. In my two naps times, I began watching a new television series. I really enjoyed it. And, I was probably more excited that I managed to get through the day without needing to sleep.

(Nearly) Bald, Old Git

I was convinced that my hair would simply fall out; all at the one time. I could sweep it away and move on. My head would be shiny and smooth. That did not happen. Instead my hair has been falling out a little at a time. I don't like that. I have had to clean out the shower drain after each shower and then sweep the bathroom floor because there is hair everywhere! It's gross. I don't want that. I slept with my hat on last night, because the idea of having hair on my pillow is not appealing. I don't need that. So, my plans to shave my head, thursday night, did not go ahead. That's ok. It can be done today, friday. All that means is that I will wear my blue hat for a little longer.

Today was going to be busy. But, since I hadn't had one of those for a while, I was really looking forward to it. I picked up my chemo friend and we shared tea and biscuits. It was so encouraging to speak with someone who also has breast cancer. We shared our stories and drew strength from each other. Although, I reckon it was more me receiving strength. What a strong woman my friend is.

After a picnic out in the sun, shared with my children and a scabbing magpie, I felt satisfied that I had received my dosage of vitamin D. It was then we were greeted by our second visitors for the day. A good friend came to visit with her two children. Again, it was great just to catch up. It was like I was making up for the absence of socialising the week before. Another positive session.

When the children were in the bath, the husband gave me my haircut. He wasn't too keen on having to do this for me (it just felt so wrong), but I couldn't take the sensation my hair was giving me anymore.

You know the feeling you get when you brush your hair against the way it naturally falls. Well, multiply that and that was the feeling I had had enough of.

I didn't shed a tear. I actually don't mind my new look. And, honestly, if it wasn't for the two facts that it is winter and that other people may feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't even bother with the headgear. I am really surprised by that. I had definitely expected to feel a lot more self-conscious. So, another hurdle has been jumped.

My day, though, was not over. I ditched the husband and children for a night out with workmates. It was a good night.

As I approach the end of my three week cycle, I can definitely vouch that chemo does indeed take you on a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs. And, for at least this round, it hasn't been too bad. Of course, another lesson has been learnt.

The prevailing message for me here is to acknowledge weakness and seek help. Often, I have thought that doing things on my own was me demonstrating strength. It is in fact weakness to act in that way. True strength acknowledges weakness and accepts when help is given or seeks help out. As I have mentioned, on numerous occasions, I have had great support. This week though, the supported I needed, without even realising it, is that of women who are currently experiencing what I am. I am so thankful for the friendships that have begun to form. And, if I hadn't stepped out and sought help, chemo may still be daunting. It's not now. I am pretty excited to be meeting up with friends on Tuesday (Chemo Session #2)!

My Hair: The Psychology

My hair has always been, to me, too thick, too wavy, too fuzzy, too dark. Too much of everything that I dislike. So the idea of losing all of my hair during chemo literally did not bother me. I would buy some wigs, wear scarves, relatively happily, and sail through that particular side effect. Well, that's what I thought...

With so much out of my control, I decided that I would snatch back the reigns. I would have my head shaved. My friend had a razor and offered to do the deed. I was happy with that. However, the husband felt sorry for me and convinced me to get a styled short haircut instead. So I did.

I went to a local salon, that I hadn't been to before, and was fully prepared to have a public cry in the chair. Not because of the loss of the length of my hair but more so because of what it represented. Cancer. Me. Cancer and Me. I still can't quite grasp that those two words can sit in the same sentence.

Child number one and child number two came along. The older one was placed in charge of the distribution of toys and food during the appointment. As I put the children in the car I prepped them for my haircut. All our gender stereotyping (girls have long hair and boys have short hair) had to be amended. The exception was accepted.

When I sat on the couch, I was greeted by a beautiful, smiling, radiant woman. She commented on my children, told me about her grandchildren and then we exchanged funny stories. It was all very pleasant. The poor lady. Why did she have to ask? My lip began to quiver. I tried to hold it in. The next thing I was having a real good cry. All that the lovely lady had asked me was, "What are you having today?" When I could talk, I explained my diagnosis and why I was having the haircut. As the two of us sat in our chairs, on opposite sides of the salon, she smiled and waved whenever our eyes met in the mirrors. It was like she was sent there to be with me that day. I don't know her name, but one day I'll be able to explain to her what she meant to me that day. I would love to be that person to someone.

When I got home and looked at myself in the mirror, it was weird. This person was not me. I may as well have had a facelift. Honestly, the haircut changed me. It also got me thinking...

I have always had a safe haircut. This new short hair do made me feel exposed. This is who I am. I can't hide behind clips and straightened hair with this do. This is me.

It made me realise that I'm not very daring. At all. Having an absolutely different hairstyle requires confidence and risk taking. My hair revealed that I was lacking in both. Well not anymore. I don't want to play it safe. That was a turning point. It was that week that I decided to begin blogging.

I want to share it all. My confidence is growing and the desire to take risks is there.

Bring on chemo!