What is this?

This afternoon, I felt out of sorts. When the family sat down to eat lunch, I decided to pass. I had no appetite at all. In fact, the very thought of food made me scrunch up my face in disgust. I opted for an afternoon nap but then, was persuaded by the husband to watch a movie. We relaxed in bed and watched a mildly humourous "comedy". The horizontal position was probably what fooled me into thinking that I was ok.

We were going to friends for dinner. So after the movie, I quickly got the children ready. That's when I got the head spins.

I have inherited unusually low blood pressure. So, for this reason, it really doesn't take much for me to feel light headed. I put it down to that. But, as we drove the half hour to our friends' place, I slunk in the passenger seat feeling weak and dizzy. What was going on? I wasn't reliving chemo side effects. It wasn't that bad. How bad was chemo? Honestly? I do not remember. It was too late to cancel and turn around now. When we arrived, I was still not myself. I plopped down on their couch and kept a low profile. It seemed that any movement sent me into a spin. I resigned to lying down. When I was in that position, I was fine. I was still able to be sociable. By the end of the evening (typical), I began to feel better. Then, when I walked out of our garage and into our dark house, I was back to normal. I don't know what that was all about.

So, what was it? Chemo dregs having fun? Surely, I am over that? My only signs of having had chemo are my patchy cheeks (they are clearing), hot flushes, weird coloured nails, odd shaped nails and the lack of hair.

I am very excited to report though, that my hair is growing!! (Totally deserves a double exclamation mark.) In fact, for the last few days, I am really struggling to wear head gear. I am just too hot. And, it's not the hot flushes. I reckon it's the hair saying, "We're back! We can do the job! You don't need the fake stuff!" I will wait until there is more coverage before a go out in public without a wig or scarf. Just when I was getting used to having no hair... Liar! I never got used to that. Grow, grow, grow!

Day six of my Whole30 saw this:

Breakfast: Leftover kangaroo rissoles on salad with mayo

Lunch: Felt too sick to eat :(

Snack: Protein shake (the husband convinced me to have this).

Dinner: Salmon and chicken on salad with sweet potato (at friends' place)

Snack: Nuts (thank you IGA for being open at 11pm). I actually purchased salted nuts; we always opt for the natural ones. I was really craving the salt though.

I don't think I have been doing rads long enough to be able to be relieved that I didn't have to go in for an appointment today. I'm sure as the weeks roll on, I will love the idea of not having to drive into the hospital for that burn session. So close to week two of rads. Nearly half way (sort of).

The Wind Is In My Hair

I am very excited about my last chemo now! There are only three more sleeps until Tuesday. I have been in good health (with fatigue not bothering me too much), in the past two weeks. My hope is that my body will be strong enough to take the last taxotere and cyclophosphamide combo, with little hinderance to my days and nights. The last two days have been great and a testament to one's greater need for good relationships than the need for food for comfort (although a thick based, cheesy, oily pizza would satisfy albeit for a mere 10 minutes or so).

My paleo diet has been compromised somewhat during chemo. While there was no way I was going to do gluten, on the days where I struggled to taste anything, I did indulge on gluten free biscuits and some dark chocolate (it was only 70% not the 80% that I should have had). That's all though! Once I feel as though I am through the worst of the chemo side effects, I want to do the Whole30. All this will mean is that I will be absolutely strict in my paleo diet. This will give me a chance to detox. The husband has just finished his Whole30 so I am so keen to do mine. Of course, once the thirty days are up we will continue to eat paleo, but it will mean that we can add 80% dark chocolate and sausages/bacon (as a treat). This will be a serious anti-cancer lifestyle change. I'm so looking forward to it.

Speaking of eating... I have had some serious cravings for salty food, So, I have been adding a little salt to my cooking (even though we really have cut that out) and I just couldn't resist some sliced apple with salt sprinkled on top. Another strange side effect, and I assume it is from the chemo, is that I have a watering left eye. For around a week now, I have had to carry a tissue ready to dab at my eye. My eye is not sore, red or swollen. It is just tearing all the time. I promise I'm not crying!

Friday I shared the morning with a beautiful friend. Then, in the evening the husband and I finished a mocumentary series (loved it!) and then watched an episode of our latest television series. That night, I had a most interrupted sleep. The night sweats disturbed my sleep. My beanie and blankets were going on and off.

On Saturday morning, I awoke pumped for a group crossfit session. I participated in a thirty-minute AMRAP that consisted of 5 dead lifts (very light weights for me), 13 pushups and 9 box jumps. I was happy with my effort and felt strong. My arm did swell a little during the workout. So, even though my initial thought was that the swelling was not related to exercise, I have a feeling that it is. Anyway, the exercise is good, and I had taken it easy. I think I will just need to be in tune with my body to know when it's too much. I don't think yesterday was too much.

In the afternoon, I sat in a massage chair and enjoyed a spa pedicure. I haven't had my nails painted for a few months. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I stopped using anything that would present itself as a toxin to my body. Nail polish was one of them. I won't be wearing it as much as I had in the past. It will be a special occasion thing now. Yeah, I know. I am so turning into a weirdo. It was very relaxing to sit and enjoy the company of a good friend. My two little toes were not too sore. That was good. I was worried that they may give me trouble. They are not as sensitive as they were. It's just so bizarre to have sore toes... I will definitely check with the oncologist about that.

The other point I wanted to raise with the oncologist was how I go about finding out whether cancer is in my genes. In a previous consultation, a doctor recommended that I speak with a genealogist to have tests conducted. While I would be most upset to discover that this gene could be hiding in one of my children, I do believe that it would be better to know now than later.

I am very much approaching this last chemo with high expectations. Although, let's face it, if I do happen to experience some severe side effects this time round, do you think I will really care?

Who Sank The Boat?

In the warmth of my bathroom, I take off my beanie. It's a sorry sight, I'm afraid. For the first time I look bald. There are a few patches around the back. But if I look straight into the mirror, I am bald. My theory is that I will be hairless, apart from the fine hair that insists on hanging about, by the next treatment. The hair loss has really been a slow process. Not as dramatic as I had imagined. My eyebrows and eyelashes are still there. I can be thankful for that.

Day One in the cycle has been ok. I was so excited to have bowel movement today (remember I said that I would include it all). I resist the notion of breast cancer taking over my life but it's so hard not to get caught up in it all. I recall having two newborns and my monitoring of their wet and soiled nappies. Someone's got to do it, right? Well, the aforementioned occurrence meant that I wouldn't need any assistance. Good news.

I had two naps today; one in the morning and another in the afternoon. Again, I wasn't falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It's just that I get the need for my body to rest. Despite my rest, by the end of the day I was so on edge. Nothing anyone did was good enough, quiet enough or quick enough. This is not me. I'm usually more patient. I will blame the chemo or the hormones. It's just not me. So, I hear this is pretty normal. While it's great to hear I'm not alone, when I'm in the moment of being totally annoyed beyond belief it's hard. It will pass though. A couple of days of that perhaps? Sorry mi familia.

My elbows have been sore. I am not sure whether it's the aches and pains that come with chemo or if it's more to do with the workouts I had been doing in the week before chemo. Either way, it will be something that I will keep an eye on.

In my crazy obsession to stay away from germy humans I have had to knock back a few outings this round. That's a downer. On the upside, a few months ago my surgeon had commented that in the scheme of things this short amount of time given to the treatment of breast cancer is such a small percentage of my life. So, I often quote that. It's true. I suppose it can be said of most of the things that we experience in life. Things are all consuming when we walk through them but once we get to the other side it never seems as bad. Or at least, we are able to see the good that can actually come out of terrible situations. I've been fortunate enough to hear a number of speakers share some tragedies in their life and they have become stronger. When I think of them, my challenge is small. And, even now, I think I am able to say that this cancer has brought more good than bad. I have learnt much, grown a lot and had a few of my own little ideas turned on their head. How else would I have got all that in a few months? No regrets here.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind a remote control to fast-forward through the next week. Tomorrow marks the day in the last cycle when I began my three day stint in bed. If I wake up feeling ok, that would be amazing. It would mean that I may skip that. Oh please let it be! We'll see.

What I have been seeing in myself though are definitely signs of menopause. What? I'm thirty and I am going through menopause? Weird. During the night I have been waking feeling all sweaty. Yes, on these cold winter nights. I just found out that they are called, night sweats. I have to admit I don't get the whole menopause thing. Will I be experiencing this for ages? Do I get these side effects for a bit and then do they pass? Am I now officially infertile? So many questions? Why don't women talk about these things? Have they been talking and was I just not listening? That, my friends, is more than likely.

And, as for the question, "Who sank the boat?" The needle nearly had me tonight. Neulasta is it's name. It reduces the risk of infection caused by the rapid decline of white blood cells. It enabled my oncologist to site my blood results as being "perfect" when I went in for my chemo yesterday. Before my personal nurse arrived (mother-in-love), I held the husband and confessed that I was upset about the needle. He matter-of-factly- reminded me that I had been through far worse. I didn't cry (although I really wanted to). It was enough. I (start playing the violins) have always been so fearful of doctors, nurses, hospitals and here I was appendix-less, I'd had two emergency caesarean sections, a lumpectomy, an auxiliary clearance and chemo and still so pathetically weak. One would really think that you would get used to all this medical attention. Well, I haven't. And, as things roll on it's clear that I never will. I allowed the needle to be given. It was sore. I whinged. I cringed. It was over. Thank you (not really).

No plans for tomorrow. Will see what it brings.