Treating cancer after treatment

Ok, so I lied. I am still somewhat under treatment. I am now six months into my five-year hormone treatment of tamoxifen. Thankfully, I have experienced only one side effect. It's a little embarrassing... My side burns are growing a little more hair than they should. It's not enough to warrant a shave or hair removal cream, but it's there. Oh well. No big deal, really. It's a good thing though because it's a sign, for me at least, that my oestrogen, which was feeding the cancer, is lower.

The tamoxifen is the official treatment. I thought I'd share though the other changes that I have made since going paleo and then going cancer-fighting-mode once discovering I had breast cancer.

This time last year, I was fighting the urge to check that my tumour hadn't gotten any bigger, I was looking into the mirror at the tumourous lump wishing that April 29 (lumpectomy date) would come quicker. I was also eating meat cooked rare, raw, organic vegetables and a diet that was high in fat and low in carbs. My very diligent husband was reading up on as much as he could about ways various individuals fought cancer naturally. Most of these people were in a position where they were not able to access medical treatment. And so, they were forced to do something on their own. For many, many people, cancer disappeared. It didn't come back either. I wasn't confident enough with all of that so I did what they did plus what the doctors recommended. Do I have regrets?

Well, I absolutely believe that I made the best decision with the information that I had at the time. I have a strong feeling though that years down the track I may have wished that I had not allowed the...mmm I have forgotten the two drugs... cyclophosphamide and taxotere into my system. I have freaked myself out a little with my googling of chemotherapy side effects; all of which I was aware of, but now they seem more real. Particularly when, I forget words, can't remember conversations that I have had, stop mid sentence because I have no idea what I was talking about, make commitments and forget about them and then just general vagueness. So, I get that this happens to the best of us. I get that this did happen to me before. But, it's a little too often. And the fact that other cancer survivors tell me that this is what they are experiencing led me to think about including foods that will help. Yep, food can help.

For the past few weeks we have deviated a little...gasp...from our paleo extremism. Our family indulged in a gluten-free pizza (it was funny to see child number two eat this because eating a triangle was a new experiene), chocolates over easter and an ice-cream or two. We even ate a gluten-free naan! Each treat tasted beautiful. But within minutes of them hitting our belly we knew it wasn't worth it. It was during such crazy behaviour that I broke a tooth! I couldn't believe it. But there it is. Another chemo side effect. Chemotherapy weakens your teeth. I don't have the best of teeth anyway, so to know that my teeth are weaker is not good.

I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be able to stop cancer with me. I want to reverse the side effects of chemotherapy. I want to turn my world upside down because ultimately, I don't know what it was in my body that allowed the growth to occur in the first place. So, what follows are some of the ways that I believe I can fight any future cancerours events. I am certainly not stopping here. But, I am making the changes slowly.

Well, you are already aware of my food lifestyle. Aside from booked in events I am gluten, sugar, legume, dairy and grain free. I prepare all of my food from scratch and spend hardly any money at the local supermarket. Rather, I make regular trips to my local butcher and organic farmer.

I have decided to slip in and out of a ketogenic diet. This is not how I eat all of the time. Every now and then I decide to do it for a few weeks. It's simply eating very low carbs. It puts your body in a ketogenic state and it has been proven to be a way in which to fight cancer. The state is not good to be in over long periods of time. For this reason, I dabble in this treatment.

I have elimiated chemicals in my laundry and now use a homemade laundry powder. It doesn't make the whites whiter or the colours brighter. It does clean them though. The pay off is that I am not wearing clothing that has chemicals sitting in the fibres. Am I a little paranoid?

This has been a tough one. Because a change in deodorant, or going without actually effects others. I was using a homemade "deodorant" but found that it wasn't cutting it. I am now going with the Moo Goo brand. It's alright. I also don't mind the edible (for real!) dedorants. They tend to need to be applied again in the day. But, again, using these products means that I am not dosing my skin with chemicals.

Our carpet was cleaned with natural products. This was a complete accident. It just happened to be the choice of the local business that we happened to employ for the job over the last two years. They did a great job with our carpets and I would definietly recommend looking for a company that will clean your carpets with completely natural products.

Another simple change has been in our soap. Honestly, in the past, I have always simply opted for the cheap stuff. Now, I'm looking for the natural soaps. They do smell really nice too.

Ok, so I might cop a bit of flack for this one. But, I'm sticking to it. Unless, I'm going to be in the sun for an extended amount of time (the whole day) I am not wearing sunscreen! The first reason is the amount of chemicals: that's a big turn off. But the other thing that I will miss out on is the vitamin D. Every day, I look to spend, at least, a half an hour in the sun without protection. Chemotherapy lowers vitamin D levels, I need it for my bones and let's face it we all feel so much better after being outdoors.

I am finding this one difficult but I do aim to have eight hours sleep each night. This is a way in which I can limit stress; who needs any more of that?

We all know that exercise is good for us. It's great for fighting cancer too. I avoid regimes that place too much stress on the body and opt for short workouts, nothing longer than 20 minutes and certainly only one session a day. I'd like to be doing this six days a week but as I still fight some of the fatigue (yep) I sometimes do less than I would like.

But that's a key too isn't it? Being sensitive to your own body; knowing when to rest, when to say no to a workout and just having a nap. When I can, I take a nap. And, I never feel guilty or lazy about it.

As a mother of a 2 and 4 year old there are plenty of opportunies for play. This is another way that I can be treating cancer. It relieves stress, it's fun and certainly builds loving bonds.

Finally, and perhaps my lastest addition to my treating cancer after treatment is fasting. There is some serious evidence that fasting is fantastic in keeping away cancer. A few weeks ago, I was skipping breakfast. I have now progressed to skipping two meals a day. So, I know what you're thinking. I have some serious food issues. Not true. Let me finish. If I fast I have to be eating well. In fact, if my insulin levels are doing well I will actually find that I am not craving food. And this has certainly been the case. I have been quite surprised at how I have been able to skip two meals. I assure you that I am not doing this to lose weight. It is purely medicinal. The fasting state is good for your body. Currently, I fast two meals, twice a week. I would love to be able to swap one for a 24 hour fast, but my head just isn't there yet.

Today's post, was accidentally a little longer than I had planned. And, as I read over it perhaps a little disjointed. I hope that I have included all of the ways that I am fighting cancer from returning. There is no doubt room for more ways in which I can fight cancer on a daily basis. And, a year from now, I bet I'll have quite a few more items to add to my list. I don't want a reoccurrence of 2011 and I don't want my children to face cancer. We're going to do everything different. At the age of 30 my body was prime for cancer. Now, as I approach 32 (cringe), there is no room for the c-word.

Take that, cancer!

Reviews

I spent too many hours sitting today. My total contact time would have been lucky to have been more than 20 minutes! It was my end-of-treatment reviews. And, it felt strange to be back in amongst the breast clinic patients.

The husband and the two children came along. So, as I stood in line, waiting to speak with the ever so helpful receptionist, I saw a familiar face. It was wonderful to catch up with one of the TBCs. (And, a little while later, I caught up with another). It felt strange (not that I'm complaining) to not be nervous. I was just going to be chatting with the doctors and there was no bad news. Right? Of course, there is no way I am anticipating any bad news!

I sat. I squirmed. I talked. One complaint though; the hospital has been pretty close to perfect. Child number two decided to complicate things with an ill timed nappy fill. I picked up the tiny, smelly child and headed for the toilets. I was happy-as when I discovered the absense of a nappy-change table. The second toilets were lacking too! I returned to the waiting room to collect the pram. (We brought the pram along reluctantly, but now I was so thankful that we did.) I wheeled the pram into the disabled toilets and proceded to do the nappy change; all the while anticipating my name being called. My name wasn't called. It was eventually though.

The physio was the first to call me in. She is the best! I really do feel as though I am the only person she sees. Anyway, my measures are the same. For this summer, at least, I am to wear the glove and the sleeve during exercise. Hey, that's not too bad. Totally manageable. Actually, she went on to say that very new research is showing (although not conclusive) that individuals who are fit and healthy before breast cancer treatment and who return to that straight after treatment are less likely to develop lymphedema. That's some motivation, right there, to keep up the good nutrition and exercise.

Next, I was called in to see the radiation doctor. I remembered this one..he liked to refer to the operation site as "boob". It is just so awkward. Is it unprofessional? I don't know. Either way, I felt pretty uncomfortable. That was doubled when he asked me to take my top off. In the past, the curtain was drawn and I would undress before the doctor would inspect. Now...he wanted me to undress right there and then. Look, I know he's not weird. It's just that there is so much fuss about a women's dignity etc that it was quite...I know I'm using this word an awful lot...uncomfortable. Lovely doctor of course. And, very kind. He explained everything in a way that made sense. Just...well, it's a very tiny complaint.

I was back in the waiting room. And, no, I didn't sit in the same seat. There were many ladies, sitting with their support person, and they were moving in and out of appointments, changing seats as much as I was.

I met with the chemo doctor after a while. I had nothing to report on the tamoxifen's side effects. My neutrophil levels were at 1.9 (should be at 2). And, I was yet to hear of my vitamin D levels. Essentially, all was well. I could have told her that. I feel well. I questioned whether I was to have a gene test. To which she replied that it was likely that I would in the new year. Within minutes, I was walking out of that appointment.

Another wait and then I met with the last doctor for the day. A member from the surgical team called me in. She didn't look at my scars (Mr "Boob" did that already) and she just asked a handful of questions. That was it. If it wasn't so-not-the-right-thing-to-do I would have run out of there. I was glad that it was finished. Such relief.

I felt sorry for the people who would be staying the night. But, I sure was happy to be going home.

I'm A Survivor

I was so glad that I made the last minute change. The plan was that child one and two spend some time with their aunt and uncle. That would then free the husband and I to go out to dinner. Just the two of us. We were going to our favourite Thai restaurant (best paleo choice) and it was only up the road. So, what was the change? I changed from jeans and a t-shirt to a dress. I'm very glad I did. I don't do headgear, so my head was bear. Honestly, I'm not feeling too feminine these days. I do feel pretty damn tough though!

Anyway, as we drove to the venue, I decided on the prawn dish. The husband said that I should try something different but, I had already set my heart on it. I didn't think anything of him making such a comment. No idea. For a Sunday night, the restaurant sure sounded busy. Still no idea. I had imagined that we would be the only ones eating in. Could I be so stupid? And then, I saw a familiar face. The mother. Then another. Whoa! A crowd!

The sneaky buggers had organised a surprise dinner! Yes, I was totally surprised. Yes, I had a tear (or two) and yes, I was completely overwhelmed. We had a great night. A buffet dinner (no prawns, but that's ok).

I reckon its been long enough now to see tamoxifen's effect on me. I don't feel any different. And, the husband agreed too, that the drug hasn't altered my moods. That is a real positive.

I've noticed that most of the numbness in my right armpit has lifted. Cool.

I am now exercising every day. Just like I was before all this stuff happened. I'm normal again.

So, I'll have to talk about something else now that the "journey" is over. But wait. I think I would actually like to call the last few months my Breast Cancer Adventure. Journey just sounds so long and boring. Adventure more correctly describes the last few months: full of excitement, doing things for the first time, not knowing what was ahead, intense, emotional, crazy times.

Take that, stupid breast cancer. I'm a survivor.

My long, short hair

When I shaved my head, during chemo, I couldn't believe how short my hair was. I ran my hands through my hair non-stop. Now, I'm sure my hair is shorter, but I'm doing the same thing. Except it's because I can't believe how long it is. Perspective changes everything. I've gone from no hair to some hair and, it's a celebration.

I was thinking today how ridiculous it is. Many people have told me that my hair is so long. Let's face it, it's short as. But, yeah, I think it's long too. Sad.

Yesterday, I went into the fruit shop without headgear. Today, I wasn't feeling as confident and put something on my head when I went for a walk (my lame excuse was that my head might get sunburnt). Either way, this weekend, I'm doing it. I'm ditching the scarves. I'm ditching the wigs (they're gross anyway, they look like animals). I'm done.

I couldn't put off taking tamoxifen any later. I was absolutely fine (in a way) about taking the meds after I spoke with the chemo doctor. Then, when I went to the pharmacy, they gave me a booklet all about the drug. It freaked me out! When I took the tablet this morning, I waited for something to happen. Nothing. Good. Here's to nothing for the next five years.

Today felt like a Friday. I just felt really relaxed. Seriously, I am still getting better day by day. It's amazing. *Sings Rihanna's "Cheers"*

Same Journey, Different Drug

Of course, I was nervous about going in for my new drug. It's not about the drug though. I was anxious about giving blood. The last time I received needles it brought on some unwanted (but needed) side effects. What's worse though, is that I know that my veins have hardened (I still have bruises too). What was this going to mean? Would the nurse need to try a few times to get the blood? Was it going to hurt?

Sore. No. Yep. I looked away. Standard procedure. And, I totally expected to have worked myself up for nothing. Today, it wasn't. (TBCs, skip to the next paragraph, you don't want to know this). That was the first removal of blood that hurt. I felt the needle go in, stay there and I even felt the steel (not sure what needles are made out of, but it felt like steel) slide out, just before the nurse pushed on the small ball of cotton. I flinched. I think I even made a I'm-in-pain sound. In fact, as the blood went into the tube, I heard a slurping noise. The nurse made some comment about it being like sand. I'm not sure what that meant. The point is though, the hardened veins made for a sore withdrawal of blood.

I went for a walk, to kill the 90 minutes before my next appointment. When it was time, I took a leisurely walk through the very busy hospital. I was well. I certainly didn't feel as though I needed to be there. (Self high-five!)

Unlike previous appointments, I wasn't greeted by my smiling breast cancer buddies. There was a new crowd. I really didn't belong here anymore. I recognised a lady that I had shared radiation appointments with and we chatted until she was called in. Who would have thought, a year ago, that I would find tamoxifen, changes in cancer drugs and hair growth such stimulating conversation?

I wasn't with the chemo doctor for long. Tamoxifen is my new drug of choice. It's a chemo drug. The worst it can do is increase the chance of deep vein thrombosis by 2%. Secondary to that, is that it can bring on menopause. Too late. I'm already in that state. Although, my hot flushes seem to be less these last few days. And, honestly, there is more to enjoy about being in this state than not (you know what I'm talking about ladies!). Having said that, as a young woman, it's pretty likely that I'll come out of the menopause cupboard, even while on tamoxifen.

I felt very happy as I left the hospital today. There just have been so many moments of celebration. And, strangely enough, it seemed like today was one of those moments. The radio was loud, my scarf was off and I was the happiest driver on the road.

When I got home, I was really tired. Sorry about that family. That high just couldn't hold out for that long. But, I had some paleo ice-cream waiting for me. That was a great surprise. For real! Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What cave family would have access to an ice cream maker? Well, it doesn't matter. It's more of a cheat for child one and two. But this afternoon, the husband and I had some too.

Strawberry Ice Cream:

Tomorrow, I'll start tamoxifen. I'll then have five weeks until I see the chemo doctor again, to report, hopefully nothing, about the drug's effect on me. I wish I knew right now, how my body was going to react. But, we all love a good surprise...don't we?

Radiation Therapy 8 of 30

I didn't feel so tired today. The weather was good enough to be outdoors so, getting out in the sun certainly helped with the energy levels.

We have started our own veggie patch. It has capsicum, strawberries, tomatoes, lettuce, beetroot, limes and blueberries. We have been watering the seedlings and enthusiastically monitoring their growth. Today, we harvested our first leaves of lettuce. We ate them at lunch. It was so wonderful for child one to pick the leaves, wash and then eat them. Now, if the strawberry can ripen without being snatched by a nocturnal animal...

I had a good day today. And then, in the evening, I had two crazy incidents. One involves a lady in the waiting room and another has to do with the radiation machine. Both awkward moments.

But before I get onto those stories, I need to declare some of my fears. And, guess what, I only get these fears at night. It's when I am alone with my thoughts, when no one can see my fear and when my imagination has the most control. I have had these thoughts before but, it was only last night that I made a mental decision to record them. If you thought I was brave, you are sadly mistaken. It's not that I pretend that I am, it's just that, more often than not, the moments of fear are always when no one is around, at night. (I know I have watched too much Spongebob when a phrase that I write sounds like the little yellow guys voice, in my head, and not my own; "At night". Anyone seen that episode?)

Anyway, my fears. I really feel as though I am not myself. I am not calm, I seem to have less patience and obviously the energy is not at all what it was. This really frightens me. After radiation, I will commence a five year treatment of tamoxifen. I am concerned that I won't feel like me. What if I continue to be agitated, grumpy, impatient, depleted of energy. It really concerns me. Of course, it's better to experience that than for the cancer to spread and die. I totally get that. But...Well, let's just get it out there that I do worry unnecessarily. What's the point in worrying. I have to take it. And, when I do I will do my best to do my research to discover what I can do to make the ride smoother. Not sure if I've convinced myself...

The radiation ride has been pretty smooth. I spoke with the nurse, tonight, about getting red. She said that, in the third week I will notice redness. If I am lucky, that will be the extent of my burn. Then, the skin will settle and return to some-kind of normal four weeks after my final treatment. I was glad to have that conversation. I'll be on the lookout next week.

Moments later, an older woman entered the waiting area. She told me her cancer story. Lucky for her, she was actually in for her last radiation and so, her cancer treatment was over. I felt so excited for her. When I came out of the radiation room (there's something to tell about that in a moment) I wanted to wish her well. I walked up to her, just a tiny detour on my way out. I wished her all the best and then there was that awkward moment. I wanted to just hold her hand but then the next thing I kissed her on the cheek. Ahhhh! What? How did that happen? It was so awkward. She leant towards me. I looked around. I went to hold her hand. She turned to the side. It was just majorly bizarre. Anyway, the husband (mine that is) made a comment because it must have looked even more awkward than it felt. For both parties? I'm not sure. But certainly for me. I felt so embarrassed. And then, as I walked out of the hospital, down to the car park, I couldn't stop thinking about the situation. How stupid. Why am I labouring over this? For goodness sakes, I kissed a woman who just went through a very scary breast cancer journey. Does it matter if we had an awkward kiss. It wasn't on the lips... I kissed a lady who had finished her cancer journey. That could never be an awkward thing. Right?

Well, the other incident occurred during the burn. To do the radiation thing the machine shoots from two angles. So, it starts on my right side. Then, the machine moves around me to position itself to burn me from the left side. Well, tonight, the machine stopped half way through! I was so scared. My heart was racing. My breath picked up pace. I wanted to scream. But who would hear me? Then the machine moved. But not completely to the other side. Should the machine mulfunciton and burn me right at that moment it would go straight through my heart. Nooooo! I waved at the camera, for a millisecond, just when the machine moved again. I kept still and allowed the machine to do its work. When the ladies returned (there are always two radiation therapists in the room), I felt so stupid. I went on to explain my fear. Guess what? She said that she saw my legs flinch and my tiny wave. I felt so exposed. Anyway, little did I know that there was another silly encounter just metres away on my way out.

The joys of being human, Oh, and here was my menu:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs with salad

Lunch: Red curry beef mince balls with salad and a muffin

Dinner: Red curry mince balls with veggies

Snack: Muffin

All in all, a good day. I hate to get repetitive. I promise not to sign off everyday like this; but, another one down.

Why?

I just realised that it has been a couple of days since my eyes were watering. It's safe now, I'm sure, to say that the drip has definitely been switched off. And then, just when I thought there wasn't going to be any more new side effects, along came this strange one.

If I had experienced this before, I know that I wouldn't blame it on chemo. Especially, when it's just so...weird. Could chemo do this? There are no photos for this one because it involves feet. Who wants to see a picture of someone's foot? Ok, please don't answer that. I was removing nail polish when the scale of destruction was revealed. Actually, I had noticed that my feet, in particular, the skin on my toes was peeling away. But, it's way more than it should. I seem to be shedding the skin from my toes. The process is well and truly on the way. Enough on feet. Speaking about strange though...

I thought it might be worth sharing how our family came to adopt such a restricted diet - paleo. Months on, we are now finding this new way of approaching food is actually developing creativity. And, it doesn't seem so restrictive anymore.

There are actually a number of factors that led to this dramatic change in diet. Child number two, according to our plans, was the last one. So, I always had in my mind that I would really focus on getting fit and losing some kilos after the birth (mums, you can relate to the enormity of that task). Then, to our horror child number two was diagnosed with pulmonary stenosis (a blockage in the pulmonary valve). It was a very scary time for us; we had to decide whether we would go ahead with open-heart surgery or cardiac catheterisation. We decided on the latter option and within weeks our two-month old was home and recovering well. But, what concerned us was the fact child number two would need antibiotics if they ever required dental work. Can you believe that something as simple as dental work could actually give a "cardiac-kid" heart disease? This made us so conscious of giving out sugary treats; which were pretty common in our diet. How do you tell a child that they can't have sugar? Is it possible? We started eating a few vegetarian meals a week, did some exercise and cut down on the "bad" foods. We weren't satisfied with our progress. It was then that we came across this particular diet. We did enough research to arrive at the decision that this was for us. The bonus was, of course, that this way of eating has been linked to preventing cancer.

I got on the bandwagon too late it seemed. The doctor told me that my cancer would have been growing from August 2010. By the time I got the diagnosis though, our family was fit and healthy. We had coupled the paleo diet with exercise and were so surprised at how good we felt. There's a lot of cooking now but, it makes sense to cut out all of the stuff in food that actually isn't food. I am totally motivated too though, because I want my body to be able to fight off any abnormal cells next time they start multiplying.

Whole30, Day 7:

Breakfast: Hot Nutty Cereal

Snack: Nuts

Lunch: Chilli and garlic prawns on spinach leaves

Dinner: Beef chilli on lettuce with guacamole

Snack: Pancakes with berries

I have allowed the doctors to treat me with their medicines. In fact, after radiation I will begin a five year hormone treatment. Watching what I eat and electing to cut down on the use of chemicals, where possible, is how I wish to continue the fight. Before my diagnosis, it had always bugged me that so many people were getting cancer. Could it be what we eat? Could it be the chemicals? I have no idea. But, I'm enjoying my food journey and I'm finding it interesting to discover how many people are opting for the organic/natural/chemical free way of life.

Stop. Chemo Time.

I'm not nervous. I don't know whether it's getting normal to be doing chemo, or that I've kept myself busy or because I am on a healthy high. Does the reason really matter. Nah (is that how you spell that common phrase?).

As I'm sure I've made clear, I am feeling great. I think that this week has been my best during the chemo process. The exercise, I'm sure, will have played a big part in that. My blood is moving so fast it's going to swish this chemo around, spit it out and power through my body to get back to the spot I'm in now. Yeah! I am woman hear me...no way, I won't finish that one. Mega corny.

Preparation for chemo means lots of water. And, I have been chugging it big time! I am willing my veins not not wiggle tomorrow afternoon. Wouldn't it be great if the cannula is in first try. Definitely. Last cycle, the first (failed) try was so sore!

I have also completed a big cook up. This means I have meals frozen ready for eating when we need it in the next week. I have cleaned the house so it's ready too. There are prunes in the cupboard, a gluten free treat in my bag, the rectinol and movicol are waiting patiently in the cupboard (who invited them?), salt to gargle at the ready, naturopath meds pushed to the back (for a week) and natural organic yoghurt (I tell the children that it's adult yogurt so they wont eat it. Oh, and, I know it's not paleo but I justify it because I need the acidophilus) and liver is cooked and another is in the freezer. The babysitter, the driver and buddy, the husband's days off, friends, family are all in position. Thank you. Tuesday is just such a big day. But, after this one...ONE MORE!

It really has gone quite quickly. Was I having fun? Well, I must have been because that's what they say.

My hands are just so dry. I am finding it very hard to keep the moisturising cream up. But, my nails haven't shown any damage. One of the side effects of tamoxifen is that it can make your nails fall off. Or, at the least, the nails can get very brittle. It's a bonus that I've skipped that one. Just before I began treatment I was asked whether I wanted to participate in a cold glove experiment. In the past, wearing a cold glove has been known to lessen the chance of nail damage. There are quite a few reasons why I opted out of it. One of them is pretty stupid.

I can knit rectangles. Top skill, I know. Well, anyway, this has enabled me to knit scarves for the children. So, since I would have to sit for hours, I thought that I could knit some scarves (I'm probably more likely to complete one over the whole treatment because I'm not that fast). At least I wouldn't be wasting time sitting there. To be honest, that was the main reason that turned me off doing the cold glove trial, initially. I figured that if I had a glove on I wasn't going to be able to knit. As I sat, in the breast clinic, (the lady had left me with the paper to sign to agree to participate), I had made up my mind. I wasn't going to do it. But, how would I tell the lovely, kind lady, who was just keen to help out the breast cancer patients? It just sounded so pathetic that I wanted to knit rather than help others. Totally selfish. Mmmm...see all the things you find out about yourself. The funny thing is though, that it didn't take me long to realise that I just wouldn't be able to do it anyway. Not mentally, at least. Once the cannula was put in, on that dreaded first chemo appointment, the nurse said that I needed to keep the arm still to prevent it from wiggling around (do you remember?). Well, there was no way the knitting needles were coming out. And, well, before the cannula was in I had the melt down (do you remember that too?). In the end, the glove just seemed like another mountain that I would have to climb. It was. I was done. The glove did not fit, in a way. So, as it turns out, if my nails continue to hold up, I wouldn't have been a good candidate anyway for the cold (it's actually freezing, frozen) glove test.

Is it weird to say that I am keen to sit down for a couple of hours and do nothing? Well, it's out there. I am looking forward to it. I am also looking forward to meeting with my breast cancer buddies. How have they been? Any strange side effects? Have they had an easy ride or a challenging one? Do they have a red splotch that turned grey on their cheek bone? Probably not. That side effect is just for me. Oh well.

Actually, I know. I am looking forward to having another chemo down. Woohoo!!

Good night.