I'm Not Crying

I really had believed that my watering eye was done with. It's not! Now, I have two watery eyes. Neither is sore or itchy. Although, by the end of the day, they are usually puffy from being wiped at. Since Tuesday, I have found that the fatigue has not been as intense by the afternoon. That, my friends, is something to be so excited about!

Other great news includes: I have lifted my self-imposed ban on deodorant (feel free to stand on my right side now); the sparse hair on my head, that never fell out, is now lying down and not sticking up; the children and I did a one hour walk to the shops; and I made the best Paleo Fried Chicken ever (paleomama.wordpress.com).

I participated in one workout this week. It was a twelve minute AMRAP that included five ground to overheads, seven box jumps and nine air squats. My weight was the lightest in the group at 25kgs. I am very much looking forward to radiation being finished so that I can really focus on lifting more weight.

The right arm has been swollen for days. There is no pain and my arm is not heavy. It's just puffy. I am assuming that that will hang around for a good few months yet. My arm is actually still numb in places. I was told, after surgery, that that numbness may last up to twelve months. In some cases, the numbness stays. I have definitely noticed a dwindling in the numbness so, I am going for the box that says, "It will not last forever". Lock it in, please.

Ok, here's a confession. I have been looking at homemade laundry detergents. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I came across a site that said that one should not put anything on one's skin (it's an organ) that could not be eaten. I could understand where he was coming from. But, I really don't like the idea of putting something edible in the washing machine. How would it clean? So, my compromise is to make my own. I have a recipe, but have not been able to find one of the ingredients. I am going to hit a local hardware store. If I can get that ingredient, I will make the laundry detergent and report on its effectiveness. Oh, how cancer has changed me...

Breast cancer has really made me grasp just how fragile I am. I never wanted to be the damsel in distress. I certainly never wanted to be making my own laundry detergent. Well, perhaps I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I hope to get the missing ingredient today and then...wash the clothes tomorrow. Yes, I am a weirdo and proud to share how you too can become one. Why not join me?

Cut, Poison and Burn

I didn't have the best of sleeps, last night. It was broken. The night sweats are annoying!

This time of year, I am usually in my warmest pyjamas, tucked under a doona; keeping to the warm parts of the bed. These sweats however, have driven me to wear summer pyjamas and swishing around searching for cold spots in the bed. I don't know how long the sweats last, but they certainly don't stick around. Soon enough, my nude head becomes aware of the cold pillow and I'm back to feeling the real temperature around me. This goes on all night. Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Sometimes, I get so hot that I can actually wipe sweat away!

Low immunity leaves tomorrow. In its bag he will pack away (forever!) my three purple, cannula bruises, an itchy needle site (where the chemo was eventually intravenously received), a twitchy, watering eye and cheek patches. Once he departs the white blood cell count will be looking good. I can interact with large groups of humans again. Yay!

Since the radiation "tattoos", I have to admit, that I have seriously been thinking about getting a tattoo (that I actually want, not four silly dots). I've always been anti-tattoos, for myself, because of its permanency. But, I don't know...I think I want one... So, I'm thinking just a small ribbon on my left wrist (not allowed anything on the right side because of the removed lymph nodes). It may just me being in a celebratory mood. Time will tell. Maybe this little thing will turn into nothing...

Today, I read an excerpt from an article that got me real excited. It basically explained that having greater muscle mass means that the body is able to withstand trauma (like cancer) better. This is awesome news! My body is less likely to see cancer return if I aim to build muscle as part of my exercise. Secondly, and more importantly for now, is the implication for burn patients.

On August 22, I will begin my radiation therapy. As a burns patient, my body will need more protein to heal itself. So, if my body doesn't have enough, it will draw from my muscle mass. This is the incentive I need to really hit the weights (I won't do anything crazy) in the lead up to that first appointment. During radiation, weights are not allowed. As with the nutrition, there is so much to be gained in knowing that there is something that I can do to make the radiation ride a little smoother.

I've been cut and poisoned. I'm ready for the burn!

Reality Hits Again

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. Minutes into the altered Painstorm 36 workout, I wanted to burst into tears. Not because it was hard (which it was) but because it hit me that I had cancer. It was as if I was being told for the first time.

Of course I feel tired and there are days where I am stuck in bed. On those days I understand that I am in a battle against cancer. But, when I feel good, almost normal, I discard the notion that I am sick. On my way out the door, this morning, I was healthy and energetic. Even as I watched the first group do the crossfit session I was convinced that it was a routine that I could handle. As a precaution, I discussed an alteration to the routine with our trainer, I wanted to be realistic. But even with the advantage of an adjusted workout, I was still so slow. I had to stop and take that many breaks. My spirit was definitely willing but my body was just so weak from the weeks of chemo. My counter, and friend, encouraged me along the way, waited patiently as I caught my breath so often and told me to stop when I made comments that put myself down. I didn't finish in the thirty minute timeframe. Such disappointment. The husband encouraged me with words that I needed to hear. It was ok. It was unreasonable to expect more. I had given it my best. And, under the circumstances, I should be thankful that I was even able to participate. So, I enter my healthy week looking forward to participating in some group crossfit sessions. I'll be less hard on myself.

The right arm is a little swollen. At first I had thought that it might be related to exercise. But, that doesn't seem to be something that brings on lymphedema. I will check with the oncologist about that. I don't have any pain so that's good.

Not for the first time, I have a dry nose. After each dose of chemo I get this strange side effect. Each time I just shrugged it off. But three in the row now, is too coincidental for it to just be nothing. It's not that I have no snot. My nose is actually dry. It's as if I have blown my nose, towel dried it, blow dried it with a hair dryer and flared my nostrils at on-coming cold wind. I imagine the skin in my nose is dry. Just like my hands and feet are. My feet are so dry, that one foot has a red and sore bit. I can't seem to rub on enough cream to keep them moisturised.

Where I do have discomfort though is in my toenails now. It's the same feeling that I am currently having in my fingernails. All twenty nails are there though. Another good thing to report.

I am standing at the top of the mountain today. I have a great week of healthy days ahead. Beyond that is my last chemo.

Happy Hormones

When I told the husband that I had more energy today and that I wasn't as cranky he replied, "Yeah, you were a bit scary yesterday". For real. The husband and the children didn't seem that scared of me. But, when I am in the middle of a tired rampage because, well, because I can, to be honest, I didn't really take much notice of their reactions. Oh, to be calm again. That would be bliss; for all of us.

The day just seemed to begin quite upbeat. I busied myself with housework and kept child one and two occupied too. Then, when the afternoon hit, I was surprised that I had enough energy to do some exercise. I wasn't really expecting that. So, I finally did the 21-15-9 that I had wanted to do. I did squats and push-ups with a weighted vest. I topped it off with a skip. It's not much, and it took me longer than I would have liked. But, I worked up a sweat and my heartbeat increased. I felt great afterwards.

My fingernails are still sensitive, my scar is irritating, I still have a patchy face and the fatigue is loitering. Honestly, such minor issues.

Actually, I do have to add that I have not begun using either of the creams that I purchased yesterday. I really should use the one for my wrist. There's no reason for putting that one off. But, I have reservations about the cream for my face. First of all, the pharmacist couldn't read the oncologist's handwriting. Then she thought it was odd for the doctor to recommend using that cream for what she could see on my face. If it was on any other part of my body I know I wouldn't have thought twice. But, it's on my face. Scarves don't cover that up. What if the cream reacts badly to my skin? What if it makes the marks worse? What if the cream is the wrong one? What if the cream is actually acid and eats away at my cheek bone and I forever have a hole in my face... Ok, I will admit, I worry about stupid stuff. Sure, pump taxotere and cyclophosphamide into my veins for a couple of hours, but there is no way I'm putting that over-the-counter cream on my face. Pathetic! Right, now that it's out there, I feel stupid. I am going to have a shower, open the bag (truly, I haven't even opened the bag since bringing the creams home yesterday) and put on both creams.

If I never blog again, you will know it was the cream...