Saturday, 23 July 2011

Reality Hits Again

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. Minutes into the altered Painstorm 36 workout, I wanted to burst into tears. Not because it was hard (which it was) but because it hit me that I had cancer. It was as if I was being told for the first time.

Of course I feel tired and there are days where I am stuck in bed. On those days I understand that I am in a battle against cancer. But, when I feel good, almost normal, I discard the notion that I am sick. On my way out the door, this morning, I was healthy and energetic. Even as I watched the first group do the crossfit session I was convinced that it was a routine that I could handle. As a precaution, I discussed an alteration to the routine with our trainer, I wanted to be realistic. But even with the advantage of an adjusted workout, I was still so slow. I had to stop and take that many breaks. My spirit was definitely willing but my body was just so weak from the weeks of chemo. My counter, and friend, encouraged me along the way, waited patiently as I caught my breath so often and told me to stop when I made comments that put myself down. I didn't finish in the thirty minute timeframe. Such disappointment. The husband encouraged me with words that I needed to hear. It was ok. It was unreasonable to expect more. I had given it my best. And, under the circumstances, I should be thankful that I was even able to participate. So, I enter my healthy week looking forward to participating in some group crossfit sessions. I'll be less hard on myself.

The right arm is a little swollen. At first I had thought that it might be related to exercise. But, that doesn't seem to be something that brings on lymphedema. I will check with the oncologist about that. I don't have any pain so that's good.

Not for the first time, I have a dry nose. After each dose of chemo I get this strange side effect. Each time I just shrugged it off. But three in the row now, is too coincidental for it to just be nothing. It's not that I have no snot. My nose is actually dry. It's as if I have blown my nose, towel dried it, blow dried it with a hair dryer and flared my nostrils at on-coming cold wind. I imagine the skin in my nose is dry. Just like my hands and feet are. My feet are so dry, that one foot has a red and sore bit. I can't seem to rub on enough cream to keep them moisturised.

Where I do have discomfort though is in my toenails now. It's the same feeling that I am currently having in my fingernails. All twenty nails are there though. Another good thing to report.

I am standing at the top of the mountain today. I have a great week of healthy days ahead. Beyond that is my last chemo.

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