Thursday, 21 July 2011

Patch Face

I have felt tired today. I have also been irritable again. I am trying very hard to stay calm and in control but with the chemo encouraging my hormones to bounce all over the place, I'm fighting a losing battle sometimes. I am conscious of the affect that this is having on those around me so, I do try to say those words that cling so tightly to my lips and don't want to get out, "I'm sorry".

If I could just exercise. I really think that getting some exercise would help with the fatigue. The thing is though that by the time the children are asleep (their afternoon nap) I'm unable to pull together the motivation to do it. I could push myself, but it's likely to be my body saying that it needs a little more time. Tomorrow, day 10, is the end of my low immune period. So, I will aim to do exercise then. But, if I can't that's ok. On Saturday, I will (mind over body for this one) do a group crossfit session. I have to. It'll get the blood moving. I need that.

I cut my fingernails (how did something so mundane become worthy of a its own paragraph?). And, I was tricked into cutting them too short. My nails have obviously come away from the nail bed because even though I left a little white on my nails, they feel as though I have cut them way too short. Still, it's a minor issue.

Aside from the fatigue, the scar on my face is the most confronting side effect. I purchased ointment. I hope it makes the marks disappear. And, while I was there I also got the antibiotic lotion to put on the two places where the chemo has caused tissue damage close to my wrist.

The scar (in my armpit), as it has for each low immune week, is a little sore. It feels like there is a small lump at the one end. And, the scar has opened again. I'm so glad I never pretended to be brave and put deodorant on. Yes, my self-imposed ban on any products in my right armpit continues.

Today, I had the cancer chat with child number one. I tried to be as casual as I could in bringing up the topic. I explained that I had one more chemo treatment and the reason for having it. I should have followed my gut instinct. When child number one asked that question alarm bells didn't ring. So now, when I was talking cancer, child number one really wasn't interested. Fine. Conversation over.

I think I'm starting to get excited about the next chemo being my last one. I really haven't been excited. I haven't allowed myself to. Why? Well, I wanted the cannular in and the drugs flowing before the no-more-chemo smile came out. But yesterday, I dug out my radiation paperwork and discovered that my planning appointment with the radiation doctors is Wednesday! Woohoo! I get the goosebumps (good ones) thinking of the next step in my journey (haven't used that word for a while).

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