Today I have been tired, grumpy, irritable, short-tempered, uninterested, moody, impatient, slow, angry, tense, on edge. Do I really need to say more?
To my dearest family, sorry. It's strange to hear myself acting out this way. I don't want to be like this, but I literally cannot help it. The best thing for me to do is stay in bed. So, that is what I have done. It has been boring. I absolutely cannot wait until my body has fought this chemo sufficiently back that I can enjoy things again. At the moment, very little is motivating me, even just to smile. That's bad isn't it. This is why it's good for me to type. Man, I have lots to be smiling about!! Ahhh. I have to be careful what I type! I have refrained from deleting that (every part of me wants to) but I want to be honest.
I need to listen to some music. *music on* Oh yeah! Music is so powerful.
My greatest fear now, is that I pick up a bug. I shared this with the husband and he told me not to worry. I totally get stressed about stupid stuff. I just don't want any needles. I'm done with that!
Anyway, if fatigue and moodiness is my worst side effect today then I am doing well. Tomorrow will only be better. The chemo is now officially out of my system!
What follows now are a selection of songs that, I believe, will always bring me back to this particular time in my life.
Out Came The Sunshine Soundtrack
Track 1: "What happened to us?" Jessica Mauboy Ft Jay Sean
On the way to have my fine needle aspiration (back in March) this song was playing in the car. I love my music loud so I turned it up. I pretended I was Jess and sang my heart out. Then, when the fine needle was moving about, in my breast, I was singing the song in my head as a distraction. The song has a real catchy piano riff and I was replying that too.
Then, yesterday, when I was listening to this song it took on a new meaning. I thought that I was untouchable. I had assumed that this and that would never happen to me. But look, breast cancer happened...I shed a tear while listening to this upbeat song. Hormonal perhaps?
Track 2: "Need You Here" Hillsong
Track 3: "Lead Me To The Cross" Hillsong
There have been times where nothing makes me feel ok. It's at those times that no one and no medication helps. As much as there are people around to support me, there is always that moment where the battle is mine alone. That's when music has been the greatest escape. These two songs have provided that escape.
Track 4: "Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz
Track 5: "Dynamite" Taio Cruz
While doing chemo I have felt good. It's comparative though isn't it? When I am back to my usual 100% self I will have a boundless amount of energy. I won't know myself! I can now understand why cancer patients have a new outlook on life. So, when I felt as well as one can feel on chemo I have spent a great deal of time twirling and jumping (that's how child one and two insist I dance) to these two tracks.
Track 6: "A.N.G.E.L." Natasha Bedingfield
I had had a bad day. The chemo had made me grumpy and I was just over it all. I wanted to sleep. I was sitting at the table, contemplating how I was going to move from there to my room. It seemed too far to walk. And there standing in the passage, each with a balloon, stood my two precious children. The husband insisted on putting on some music, much to my dissatisfaction. Soon, this track was playing loud throughout the house. At that moment, my two children began to dance around the room, their balloons bobbing about above their heads. It was a most sweet moment. And, I was glad the husband went against my wishes.
Track 7: "Pocketful Of Sunshine" Natasha Bedingfield
This is just another song that our family have enjoyed dancing around to.
Track 8: "Incy Wincy Spider" Kate Toms
This well-known nursery rhyme was the inspiration for the title of my blog. It was a favourite for child number one and now child number two always reaches for this story. Kate Toms extends it so beautifully to tell a story of a spider who does not let a rainy day put him off from climbing back to where he belongs.
My soundtrack is still short a few songs. I would feel pretty ripped off if a soundtrack that I had purchased only had eight tracks. But, I still have radiation to go yet. That last third of the journey will, I'm sure, introduce more songs to the soundtrack.