A Tribute

It was quite sometime ago that I gained the permission of my chemo buddies to write about them and include a photograph. And, while I admit that I have been totally slack in keeping you up-to-date, I have to also admit that without cancer, my life has gotten very busy again. I'm not sure if that's entirely good...but it's the truth of the matter.

What follows is how I met my cancer buddies. The Tough Bald Chicks. The TBCs.

The first TBC was a friend. When her story of having an operation hit facebook I didn't realise that it was cancer related. I certainly didn't expect to be a few steps behind her. So, via facebook, I shared my diagnosis with her. It was also her who gave me parking tips, prepared me for the large crowd of women at the Breast Clinic and who gave me the warmest of hugs on the morning I was to meet with the team who would operate to remove my cancerous tumour. I am so grateful to have had her alongside me. I even smile to myself when I think of the late night chats we had, sharing our weird and wonderful side effects, because the steroid medication would not allow us to sleep. Thank you, you are an inspiration.

It was this very same TBC, I introduced above, who shared the story of another women who was going through cancer treatment. So, one afternoon , I met her in Breast Clinic. Breast Clinic, it's the place to make friends apparently...

This tall women dressed in colours bounded up to the scales. (Have I ever mentioned that you get weighed in for each chemo session so that they can be sure that they are giving you the right amount of drugs to kill all of your healthy cells but not necessasily you?) She had laughed with the nurse and then bounded back to her seat. It's strange that I recall such detail, two years on, but the truth of the matter is she impacted me. I was amazed at her jovial banter and certainly inspired by this women who hid her bald head beneathe a scarf.  Later, she would share her fears about cancer (we all had those) and yet, her will to fight was so inspiring. Thank you, you are an inspiriation.

I first caught eye of this next TBC in the Breast Clinic. Did I already mention that Breast Clinic is where you make friends? She was beautiful. I thought cancer patients were grey and unsmiling. Well, she broke the mold that I held of cancer patients, that's for sure. She wore a strategically placed trendy hat, so as to hide her loss of hair. What stood out for me though was this woman's great big smile and her contagious laughter. She hadn't just been having a good day either. No matter her circumstances she has always shown an unrelenting desire to laugh cancer in its face. Thank you, you are an inspiration.

When I first sat in that chemo chair, I was close to another women who would later become a TBC. I certianly felt to be the drab one at the chemo lounge. Is it weird that I remember such detail...She had the best wig, very natural, and I remember admiring her boots. Again, I was overwhelemed with the couragious attitude of a cancer paitient and hoped that some of that would rub onto me. This TBC has gone to incredible lengths to promote breast cancer awareness and has sacrificed much of her time to raise funds for cancer research. Wow! Keep up the good work. Thank you, you are an inspiration.

I have to admit that, it wasn't the women who would become a TBC that I noticed first, in this instance. It was her daughter. I'll admit it, I loved her beautiful, long hair and with my hair gone I was certainly having a little hair-envy.  For a couple of chemo sessions, I would see a mother with her daughter sitting by her side. It would certainly take a courageous young woman to sit by their mum in the chemo lounge. But, she did it. She is certianly a testament to her parents. And so, when I finally, officially met this next TBC, I wasn't surprised to find a kind, warm-hearted caring and certianly courageous women. She has always offerend such gentle words of encouragement. Thank you, you are an inspiration.

Then I met the funniest of the TBCs. When I sat next to this TBC, the time went by so fast that I may even go as far as to say that it was my best chemo session ever. To this TBC, thank you for the laughs. You have shown so much courage and strength. And, through it all you have maintained a postive outlook. How do you do it? Thank you, you are an inspiration.

Thank you TBCs. You are always in my heart xxxxx

The Chemo Lounge: Round 3 of 4

Chemo day began with a bright and happy bunch of flowers delivered to my door from a beautiful friend. I rushed around doing some last minute cooking and cleaning. Then, all too soon, my support buddy, bless her, and I were heading to the hospital for my second last lot of chemo. I still wasn't nervous.

For the first time, I had a long wait for my blood to be taken. I was so relieved when a nurse, who I knew to be gentle, called me in for the first needle of the day. It was as pleasant as it could be.

I then headed over the road to meet with friends for coffee. Who could have thought that within the hour we would be hitting up a toxic concoction of drugs? Yes, we were in high spirits.

I had drank all that I could and my veins looked pretty plump. So, I stared at my veins until I was called to be weighed. I returned to my seat to stare at my veins some more. I sat and willed my veins not to wiggle; to be co-operative. Then, I was called in to see the oncologist. She was lovely. I was given a script for the mark on my face, in case it got worse or got red again. And, the pain in my wrist and sore vein were both the result of tissue damage. So, she gave me a second script for some lotion to put on the affected area. We had a nice little chat and then she sent me back out into the waiting room. By this time, it was packed. I chatted with a lady who I shared acquaintances with; we remarked on how small the world was. We also questioned how on earth the two of us had ended up in an oncology ward...neither could answer that one.

Then the dreaded happened. I heard one of the nurses call up some patients to convince them to come back on Saturday because there was just going to be too long a wait for them. My heart sunk. I didn't want to be selfish but my need to have the chemo over and done with was just so strong. I was nervous that I would be asked the same thing. As it turned out, I wasn't. Phew! But, I do feel sorry for those woman. They would have felt as disappointed as me in that situation, I'm sure.

It was a long wait today. But, eventually, I was called in to Day Care. There were hardly any nurses and the few who were there were working so hard. And, what's more, none of them were cranky or any less professional. A heat pack was placed on my arm to raise my beautiful blue-green veins.

I was now nervous. But, I knew that once the cannula was in and the flush went through it would be clear sailing. While the heat pack did it's trick, in further plumping up my veins, it didn't prevent my veins from wiggling when it came time for the needle. It took three goes before a good cannula was in. It was sore, but not as bad as my second bout of chemo. And, I didn't faint! I wasn't even light-headed. So happy.

I shared some gluten free crackers and beetroot chips (celebration food), and enjoyed the company of other support people and chemo recipients for the next two hours.

The needle was removed at 6.45pm. This made for a long day. My sore, needle-pricked arm was bandaged and soon we were briskly walking out into the cool air of the evening. Home time. All was at peace at home. Again, this was a sign, surely, that I could expect a smoother run than the last cycle.

A dear friend had brought over a stack of home-cooked paleo meals, another good buddy came to visit and I felt good. I was actually feeling as though I was on a bit of a high. Or was it relief?

With the third chemo down, I now only have ONE more round to go! I don't think I'll be excited about the last one, until the cannula is in and the drugs are moving. After that, I'll be damn well flying over the moon!!

Climbing Back Up The Mountain

This last weekend has been the toughest! On Friday and Saturday I was unable to move. I just had no energy. At all. I recall being tired when I was pregnant. And, for those of you who have experienced that, that is how I felt. Except I couldn't push through it like I was able to when I was pregnant. My body wanted nothing else but to rest. I was deflated. So, the husband took the day off work Friday and then maintained homeland duties Saturday and Sunday. Poor guy! While I was terribly sorry that he had to do it all alone, there was nothing in me that could help. It certainly got me thinking though...

I have read quite a number of breast cancer stories where women reported that their partners left them after their diagnosis. Now, my judgemental self looked down at those blokes and tutted at such cowardly behaviour. I have to retract that now though. While there is no way my husband would choose that (so grateful), I can certainly better understand why, for some people, it's the better decision. To be a support person you have to be in it 100%, there is no half-hearted effort. Just after my diagnosis, a friend, who was told they had terminal cancer (they survived though), shared that their experience was that it was the partner who had it the toughest. That, in fact, it was easier to be the one with the cancer. The point has been taken. The husband had to look after the children and the demanding, cancer patient. All at the while, trying to keep up morale. It's hard work. I love the husband. He was a good pick.

Just because I am wanting to be open about all the stuff to do with chemo... I have to report that I needed Movicol. Now, if you look at the name of the product carefully you may be able to work out what it does for the human body without the google search. Actually, I'm looking at the box and it has a picture of a big wave on it. I am pretty sure that I do not want a wave to occur but anyway... Last chemo, I had eagerly eaten prunes on the off chance that the drugs would cause constipation (there I said it). This time, I rested on my laurels and all too soon it was the weekend and nothing was happenning that should be happenning, if you know what I mean. So, I took the meds. I am pleased to report that they did work. Moving along (pun not intended).

I didn't start out feeling too good, today. But, by lunchtime I was rocking! Yeah! I'm back in town! After lunch we went for a short walk up the street. The children and I were all wearing beanies and in our daggiest outfits ever. But, they didn't care so neither did I. It was also around that time that child number two seemed to have overcome the cold that had given us so many sleepless nights. Did I already mention that I felt... AWESOME?

My only "whinge" at this point is that (actually I have two), I am pretty over looking like I just walked out of a salon. Whenever I look to the left or the right I see bits of hair. It literally looks like I have just had a hair cut. Exactly a week after my first chemo, my hair was coming out in friendship groups. Tomorrow marks a week so, to be honest, I would love the whole lot just to come out. The second whinge, is that I have been getting hot every now and again. It was worrying me at first. In the middle of the night, I would feel the need to take my beanie off. Each time, I quickly grabbed my thermometre thinking that I had a fever. Anyway, I think it's actually a hot flush. You know, that strange thing that happens to women over 50. Menopause. Yeah.

Finally, if I hadn't upset your stomach from the earlier topic maybe I can with the last. A doctor reported to my mum that eating liver (cooked of course, I'm not a freak) can combat neutropenia. I grew up eating liver and onions and I really don't mind it. Pre-gluten days, I would have loved it with some fresh, white bread. Tonight though, I enjoyed it on spinach leaves and mushrooms. Delicious. Until, the chemo is over, I am going to aim to have liver twice a week. It will be my way to getting healthier sooner. Any liver recipes?

(Nearly) Bald, Old Git

I was convinced that my hair would simply fall out; all at the one time. I could sweep it away and move on. My head would be shiny and smooth. That did not happen. Instead my hair has been falling out a little at a time. I don't like that. I have had to clean out the shower drain after each shower and then sweep the bathroom floor because there is hair everywhere! It's gross. I don't want that. I slept with my hat on last night, because the idea of having hair on my pillow is not appealing. I don't need that. So, my plans to shave my head, thursday night, did not go ahead. That's ok. It can be done today, friday. All that means is that I will wear my blue hat for a little longer.

Today was going to be busy. But, since I hadn't had one of those for a while, I was really looking forward to it. I picked up my chemo friend and we shared tea and biscuits. It was so encouraging to speak with someone who also has breast cancer. We shared our stories and drew strength from each other. Although, I reckon it was more me receiving strength. What a strong woman my friend is.

After a picnic out in the sun, shared with my children and a scabbing magpie, I felt satisfied that I had received my dosage of vitamin D. It was then we were greeted by our second visitors for the day. A good friend came to visit with her two children. Again, it was great just to catch up. It was like I was making up for the absence of socialising the week before. Another positive session.

When the children were in the bath, the husband gave me my haircut. He wasn't too keen on having to do this for me (it just felt so wrong), but I couldn't take the sensation my hair was giving me anymore.

You know the feeling you get when you brush your hair against the way it naturally falls. Well, multiply that and that was the feeling I had had enough of.

I didn't shed a tear. I actually don't mind my new look. And, honestly, if it wasn't for the two facts that it is winter and that other people may feel uncomfortable, I wouldn't even bother with the headgear. I am really surprised by that. I had definitely expected to feel a lot more self-conscious. So, another hurdle has been jumped.

My day, though, was not over. I ditched the husband and children for a night out with workmates. It was a good night.

As I approach the end of my three week cycle, I can definitely vouch that chemo does indeed take you on a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs. And, for at least this round, it hasn't been too bad. Of course, another lesson has been learnt.

The prevailing message for me here is to acknowledge weakness and seek help. Often, I have thought that doing things on my own was me demonstrating strength. It is in fact weakness to act in that way. True strength acknowledges weakness and accepts when help is given or seeks help out. As I have mentioned, on numerous occasions, I have had great support. This week though, the supported I needed, without even realising it, is that of women who are currently experiencing what I am. I am so thankful for the friendships that have begun to form. And, if I hadn't stepped out and sought help, chemo may still be daunting. It's not now. I am pretty excited to be meeting up with friends on Tuesday (Chemo Session #2)!