Radiation Therapy 29 of 30

I don't know how to start this blog. I tried explaining how I had initially found the breast cancer treatment so overwhelming. I then pathetically attempted to liken myself to have been on the breast cancer train (that is was slowing down at a station - totally way too corny anyway). And, when I started explaining my lack of side effects, I just felt like I was going no where. Where am I going? I can answer that one.

Tomorrow, I go to the Radiation Department to receive my final burn. Before I leave, I will be given a certificate of completion (true!) and I reckon my smile will be so big that I will have to run out of those doors sideways (my smile will be too big, of course).

I never tried to work out my end date. It was simply too overwhelming. But, I'm here. And, as one would expect, as I look back on my journey, it has gone by quickly. I am relatively unscathed, too. As I type, I enjoy running my hands over (not through yet) my head of very soft hair. On my chest, is skin a little darker in a particular area. My two scars are now two dark lines; not their former pale pink. On the inside, I feel confident that I won't be doing this again, excited that it's over and eager for next week when I know I'll feel even better than I do now.

Thank God, it's over!

End of Week 6

Another burn session completed.

Seven black dots around my lumpectomy scar are the only evidence that I have received the second phase of rad treatment. I've had such a smooth run that I feel guilty to wish for this last treatment to be without any nasty burns. I will, nonetheless. Throughout, I have been most concerned about keeping my skin moisturised. And, for this reason, I have knocked back a few opportunities to swim. Give me a few weeks. I can't wait to get in the water and let my skin dry out, or whatever it wants.

Today, I read over a handful of my earlier blogs. Those experiences seem like so long ago. And, I suppose it has been a long journey. From March of this year, I have heard far too much about breast cancer. I guess I can expect that to continue. Only now, it will be about how I don't have it. Do you think I'm smiling as I type this?

As the husband and I drove to the hospital, this evening, we (seriously) were discussing how this has been, surprisingly, a great year. Yeah, yeah, there have been some lows. But, overall it's been pretty amazing! That probably makes my life before April 4 sound awful. It wasn't. Truly. Anyway, who would want to give cancer the satisfaction of ruining more than a few cells. Not me.

Yesterday, I saw my physio for the last time. That's sad. Look at my word choice. I actually refer to her as "my physio". I know I have mentioned this so many times, but the staff have just been so incredible. So supportive, professional, diligent, attentive, encouraging, sincere, patient, generous... At any other time I would have looked upon the sign "Enter as strangers, leave as friends," in the radiation department, as corny. But, that really sums up what the staff desire in their work place. The men and women remember what was spoken about the day before, they are interested in my family and have shared my excitement in coming to the end of my treatment. It's strange. How do I explain to the radiation doctor, the physio and radiation therapists and the receptionists, who have shown nothing but kindness, that I never want to see them again? That's not being ungrateful is it?

I am going to start lifting weights tomorrow. I am so keen to do a workout. I feel totally ready for it.

Radiation Therapy 26 of 30

I couldn't see the speckled ceiling tonight.

My radiation treatment is different now. For the last 25 treatments the machine, which has a circular face, would aim for an identified square around my right breast. Now though, the treatment is to focus on the cavity; this is where the cancerous tumour was removed. I'm told, that it's the final "mop up". Should the surgeon not have removed enough tissue, should the chemo not have killed off all cancer then these final burn sessions should do the trick. Attached to the circular face of the machine is an applicator. The applicator stretches from the face of the machine to within centimetres of the cavity. The treatment is only superficial. So there is no risk of the radiation damaging organs, even though it is administered front-on.

While the therapists lined me up (the measurements will be recorded and my last four appointments will be a lot quicker), I noticed my name on a metal plate. At the point closest to my cavity was a small plate. It had an oval-like shape cut out. I questioned the nurse to which she replied that the plate was especially made for my five treatments. It directed the laser to the exact measurements of the cavity. Wow! I felt pretty special. That small plate is very expensive. And then, at the end of it all, it will be melted down and used to create another for a future patient.

Of course, I asked the lady whether this would be painful. It's not. Now, the dark square would heal. It is only the cavity that will continue to burn. Enough about cavities...

As the machine "beeped" (this is what it does when the laser is on) I counted slowly to 25. That was it. I heard footsteps and then I was told to relax my arms. The whole appointment took 15 minutes. It was a good thing too, because I had the husband and the two children waiting for me.

I am still sporting some crazy looking fingernails. And, I am so surprised that I am still having hot flushes. It's really annoying. I still get the night sweats too. I'll have to check with the chemo doctors (next month) to ask how long all this menopause stuff is going to hang around.

I'm feeling pretty good. I'm probably a lot more tired than I'd like to admit though. Even though I'm not having naps, or feeling particularly sleepy, I am definitely not as motivated as I would usually be. That's ok, I suppose.

Radiation Therapy 25 of 30

I was on my back. My upper arms were held in place by arms rests. Both hands clutched a bar each, above my head. I looked up. It would have been nice to stare at a beach scene or a colourful garden (like dentists often have). Instead, my view was the same as that of a school classroom's ceiling. You know, the off-white rectangles with a scattering of tiny black dots. The two radiation therapists alternated between talk of measurements and general chit-chat. I smiled. I was pretending to be interested in what they had to say. I tried desperately to block out Savage Garden's overplayed "The animal song" (hang on, I would do that anywhere...). The fact is, I had just been told some exciting news and I wanted to shout it out.

Today, was the last of my current radiation treatment. My last five days of treatment will focus on burning the cavity. I know I'm not finished, but man, I was so excited!

When I returned to the car, I cried as I tried to explain to the husband the change in treatment. He totally did not get the tears. They were tears of joy. And, probably also of relief. I don't know what I'm going to be like on Tuesday, of next week.

Actually, there was more good news. Tuesday was confirmed as my date of completion. I had this feeling that I might receive another day off; delaying my finish. Not so.

During chemo, the husband and I spent quite a bit of time brainstorming ways of celebrating. Now that we are days away from hitting our final destination, we have no idea what we are going to do. Either way, I am going to find it very difficult to be still during that last radiation treatment.

End of Week 5

Last weekend, my right, upper arm had felt swollen and heavy. I wasn't sure what caused it. This weekend, I have the same feeling in my arm. I know what it is now. The rads. It's nothing too serious. And, I know that it will go away.

The hair on my head is growing! Actually, my scalp doesn't look so fair anymore. It's nearly the same colour as my face. It's sad. It won't get to see the sun again. Too bad! Bring on the full head of hair. I now have enough hair on my legs to wax! I have never, ever looked so forward to removing leg hair as I am right now.

Today, I was carrying child number two (this one gets babied too much!) and running, when child number one stopped to ask, "Mum, aren't you tired?". Child number one was so used to me declining to do stuff because I was tired that it had become a habit to ask such a question. I was so proud to respond that I wasn't tired, that chemo was over and that I won't be so tired again. Bam! Take that chemo. Take that rads!

I did some exercise yesterday. It was just a twelve minute AMRAP of 10 sit-ups, 10 air squats and 10 box jumps. I was very slow. At one point I felt sick. Anyway, that little workout has given me the kick-start to get back into the exercise. For a good while now, I have been trying to do a pull up. We have bars at the back and I decided that every time I went to the backyard I would just try. Surely, by trying so often, eventually I would have the strength to be able to do one... Yes. Success at last. For the first time, I did an unassisted pull up. I was so thrilled. I have since been able to do another. It's probably taken a good few months to get that one. This week, I really want to start focussing on doing two. The doctor had actually told me not to do them but, hey, if it makes you feel good...

I'll be seeing the doctor tomorrow. I'll have nothing to report. I'll be smiling.

Radiation Therapy 22 of 30

I am so excited to only be having eight more radiation appointments!

Today, I met with the physio. The swelling in my hand is only minor now. For that reason, I don't need to wear the glove. However, I am planning to do some exercise this weekend (it's been a while) so it will be interesting to note whether the swelling returns. I also learned that chemo can stay in your system for 12 months! I thought that I was rid of chemo. But, it seems it's still around for a while longer. I suppose that explains why some people experience tiredness for 12 months after treatment.

I am feeling better everyday. My hair is growing! Surely, within a month I will be able to toss out the scarves and wigs. Actually, I'm getting used to being the bald ol' git. I don't like it. But, it's not so strange to see myself without hair.

I thought I was past chemo side effects but some are still hanging around. I had a heavy upper arm on the weekend. And that is likely to be from chemo. My nails are more white than they should be. The skin on my feet is peeling again. And, the skin under my nails is weird.

Radiation however, has not got a hold on me! While I haven't been interested in exercise (so maybe I am tired), I haven't felt fatigued. There is a dark square around my right breast. It's not red though! No burn. Woohoo!

With my energy returning, I have been back in the kitchen inventing some paleo recipes. I made this yummy orange cake. And, with oranges so cheap I've gone a little crazy with this one. It's gluten-free, dairy-free and sugar-free.

On the way to the hospital, this afternoon, I was thinking about how I'll feel once I have finished the radiation. Even now, when I type that, I get this feeling inside like I just want to burst. Burst with excitement. CAN'T WAIT!

End of Week 4

I had such a good laugh yesterday. It was one of those laughs where you really need three mouths because you can't get it out of the one. I was telling the husband about how earlier in the day, I was pulled over by the police for a random breath test. Even before he greeted me he had a real good look inside my car. At the time, I thought it was very thorough of him to do that. And then, as I told the story, it struck me, I must have looked so suspicious with my wig. He must have assumed that I had robbed a bank and was still wearing my disguise! Well, it was so funny at the time. One of my wigs is actually losing hair! I hope it holds out until I can go without it.

Overall, I have had a great week. Some days I feel so tired that I desperately need an afternoon nap. Other days, I am able to power through. I try to do as much as I can in the morning because it really isn't until the children have their nap that I am able to gage whether I will need to join them.

We love loud music. We make a list of our favourite songs and then dance. It's so much fun. It wasn't long ago, when the very thought of standing up and moving would make me feel dizzy and reaching for the nearest "bed". Now, it's something I can totally bring back.

My nails have actually continued to lift from the nail bed. I don't think the nails will fall off completely; it's just not a good look. That with the Michael Jackson glove...

At my physio appointment, this week, my measurements were taken again. This week, my hand and arm showed no sign of further swelling. So, until I see the physio, I only have to wear the glove for half the day. I actually feel pretty confident that I could go without the glove and not have swelling.

My burn sessions have been going very well. For the most part, I am seen to straight away. On other occasions, I actually haven't worried about the wait because it's a chance for me to chat (no kissing) with other cancer patients or their support person. It's so interesting to hear other people's stories. Again, the whole idea of what seems to be a great deal of the population getting cancer, seems to baffle others too. One lady shared how three people in her immediate family were all diagnosed with lung cancer. And, there didn't seem to be any particular connection. It certainly is strange that so many are suffering in the hands of this disease.

I didn't have rads today. I don't know why, but I was given the day off. As if I was complaining...

Radiation Therapy 15 of 30

Pins and needles, the dark square, normal hands, no more peeling and drying my hair. But where to start first, the fatigue.

It was only yesterday that I remarked here, and to the husband, that I think I am not so tired. I spoke too soon. After a morning out, I was absolutely exhausted. I invited child number one to share the bed with me and we slept all afternoon. Child number two is far too exciteable so didn't get an invitation. I slept soundly. I slept well. And, when I awoke I felt alert enough to handle the rest of the afternoon and evening.

So, for quite a while now, I get pins and needles in my fourth and fifth digits of my right hand. It's not because they are getting squashed as I sleep. In fact, I have noticed the oddness of this sensation because they were not in a position where the blood circulation was cut off. I spoke to the doctor about it and she suggested three reasons: 1) swelling is pushing on a nerve 2) chemo has affected a nerve or 3) I received nerve damage during the surgery. It's not that I'm worried. We just get told all the time that we must report anything. The pins and needles go away just like any other, with a bit of movement. At this stage, I am just to monitor it to see if it worsens. I'm thinking it's something to do with the chemo. I don't think I had it after surgery.

My dark square (I am still amazed at the straight lines), I am told, is going to get very dark. It's not red. I am so grateful for that.

Just this morning, in the shower, I noticed that my hands were't looking so weird. Since chemo, the palms of my hands were a different colour. Nothing drastic. Subtle. I've had these hands for long enough to notice the change in hue. It seems though, that my hands have returned to their normal colour. As for my feet...

My feet, which were peeling and also a different colour, seem to be getting back to normal as well.

(I am certainly painting a picture of someone who is quite strange. Dark squares, inhuman coloured hands and feet, peeling skin...)

While there were changes in my body and emotions one thing for sure has not changed, and that is my attitude towards having hair. I have not, in the least, accepted this bald state. While I don't look as strange (to myself), I desperately want hair coverage on my cold head. It's very funny actually, that most mornings I shock myself because I run my hands through my hair to discover there is none; when doing sit-ups in the dirt one session, I thought to myself, I don't mind if my hair gets dirt in it; other times, I catch my reflection and see someone who looks like me with a turban on. I have never got used to being without hair on my head. For the last month, I have had a little smile to myself every time I dry myself. I would always dry my head last because it would leave the towel with too many pieces of hair to count scattered all over, rendering the towel unusable. Even today, I was overjoyed to be able to dry my head first. Cool.

I actually created some new paleo recipes last week but was so not-in-the-mood to write that I haven't been able to post them. I'll have to get back into the swing of things.

Rads: End of Week 3

Rads are going by very quickly. I can't believe that I am now halfway!

The third week is meant to be when the skin starts to turn red. For me, this has not happened. While I have felt that the area under my arm is sensitive, it's not red. Funnily enough, I have noticed a dark square around my right breast. The square's corners actually each meet at a tattoo. It's a credit to the accuracy of the machine. I am going to make the assumption that the later I begin to turn red, the less likely I am going to experience a severe burn.

I wasn't nervous this last week, at all. I have not been questioning whether I am doing the right thing. I'm not even scared about the machine malfunctioning, and burning a hole through my chest. What does worry me though, is my body odour.

When I receive the radiation, I hold onto bars above my head. This means that my undeodorised arm is exposed. While I can deodorise under one arm, I can't do the other. It's not good. Even a shower before treatment, is just not enough. It's a concern. When I took child number two to a trial Spanish lesson, I kept my arms at my side for fear of becoming the stinky parent. I'm not convinced that that tactic worked. Next time I go to that lesson, I am going to put on loads of perfume and hopefully I will be able to redeem myself.

This last week, I met with my physio. I was so excited when she measured my arm (at various points) to discover that all my figures had improved. This strange looking glove was doing its job. In fact, my hand (where the majority of the swelling was occurring) had reduced by one centimetre after wearing the glove for one week! The lovely physio is unable to explain why I am experiencing such swelling. She went onto explain that perhaps it is simply how my body has reacted to the surgery and chemo. Should I not have exercised, it is her assumption that, the swelling may have been worse. So, I have been wearing the glove happily, knowing that it certainly produces results. I am regularly able to see my bones and veins in my hand now. That pleases me. What a bizarre achievement...

As I enter the fourth week of treatment, I am beginning to think about my follow up appointment. This is booked for four weeks after radiation. It is when I meet with the surgeon for him to check for the presence of cancer. His response, I'm sure, will not be to provide me with a guarantee of being cancer-free. It is more likely to be about statistics. But, I think I am likely to get more nervous about that day, as it approaches.

My food choices are going very well. I am starting to feel as though I am getting on top of the fatigue. Maybe, I am getting used to living with the fatigue? Imagine being normal? I'm going to feel indestructible!

Anyway, I am feeling confident that this is going to be a good week.

Rads: End of Week 2

I had a needle in my head today. No jokes. For real.

Even when I had hair, I always used to lean into the mirror to check out a mole right on my hairline. Then, when my hair fell out, I got a clear view of the funny shaped mole. I also noticed lots of other moles on my shiny head. I decided that it was a great opportunity to have the moles checked. The doctor's appointment was booked. And, I also had a second question; a little something that came to my attention the evening before.

I was directed to the doctor's room, on the left at the end of the hall. There was no need to be nervous. They just check moles with a special magnifying glass. Right? Well, the mole on my hairline, of course, looked a little strange. So the doctor turned on his computer to have a closer look. It looked gross. I could clearly see the brown splash-of-a-mole and the hair surrounding it. A quick glance from the doctor was all the time he needed to decide upon giving me a biopsy. He was just going to scrape a little off. No. When he said the anaesthetic would sting a little my hands reached up to cover my face. I don't know why. It was just my reaction. My hands continued to hover around my face, as I imagined this doctor wielding a huge needle aimed at my head. I apologised for my fragile state and agreed to have it done there and then. But before we went to the room, where this procedure would be carried out, I needed to ask one question.

Last night, I accidentally found a lump in one of the veins of my left arm (the chemo arm). I had no idea what it was. For that reason, I wasn't worried about it. As it turned out, it is nothing to worry about. While it is a clot, it is in a surface vein and is likely to have been caused by the chemo drugs. It will not swim to my heart and cause my death. In fact, at some point, it will resolve itself. No more to be said. Now there was nothing holding me back from the biopsy. And, the needle.

I let my shoes slip to the floor as I nervously lowered myself on the operating table. The doctor busied himself around me for too long. I just wanted it to be over. Soon, he was there, leaning over my head. I felt the needle sting, maybe three times. Then it was over. Needles are rarely as bad as I imagine. I could feel him doing something to the mole. Putting in needles? Yeah, right. He had me totally fooled. He kept me in the dark. He had actually shaved the mole off! I couldn't believe it. I sat up to see my mole floating in a specimen jar! He gave me a ridiculous dressing for the surgery and then I was sitting up. I walked out of the room, that day, a little less than me. I have been assured that my hair follicles were not damaged (that hair will grow there), that the results will be in on Monday, and that all the other moles on my head are nothing to worry about. Good.

Radiation was pretty uneventful (just what I needed after my last visit there). I couldn't stop smiling though, when I was told that my machine is due for a service tomorrow. This means that I will not have radiation! Yeah. A friday all to myself.

Here's another day of Whole30:

Breakfast: Peach and pecan scramble

Lunch: Bolognaise with broccoli and avocado

Snack: Handful of almonds

Dinner: Bolognaise on broccoli

Snack: Banana pancakes

Good night!

Radiation Therapy 8 of 30

I didn't feel so tired today. The weather was good enough to be outdoors so, getting out in the sun certainly helped with the energy levels.

We have started our own veggie patch. It has capsicum, strawberries, tomatoes, lettuce, beetroot, limes and blueberries. We have been watering the seedlings and enthusiastically monitoring their growth. Today, we harvested our first leaves of lettuce. We ate them at lunch. It was so wonderful for child one to pick the leaves, wash and then eat them. Now, if the strawberry can ripen without being snatched by a nocturnal animal...

I had a good day today. And then, in the evening, I had two crazy incidents. One involves a lady in the waiting room and another has to do with the radiation machine. Both awkward moments.

But before I get onto those stories, I need to declare some of my fears. And, guess what, I only get these fears at night. It's when I am alone with my thoughts, when no one can see my fear and when my imagination has the most control. I have had these thoughts before but, it was only last night that I made a mental decision to record them. If you thought I was brave, you are sadly mistaken. It's not that I pretend that I am, it's just that, more often than not, the moments of fear are always when no one is around, at night. (I know I have watched too much Spongebob when a phrase that I write sounds like the little yellow guys voice, in my head, and not my own; "At night". Anyone seen that episode?)

Anyway, my fears. I really feel as though I am not myself. I am not calm, I seem to have less patience and obviously the energy is not at all what it was. This really frightens me. After radiation, I will commence a five year treatment of tamoxifen. I am concerned that I won't feel like me. What if I continue to be agitated, grumpy, impatient, depleted of energy. It really concerns me. Of course, it's better to experience that than for the cancer to spread and die. I totally get that. But...Well, let's just get it out there that I do worry unnecessarily. What's the point in worrying. I have to take it. And, when I do I will do my best to do my research to discover what I can do to make the ride smoother. Not sure if I've convinced myself...

The radiation ride has been pretty smooth. I spoke with the nurse, tonight, about getting red. She said that, in the third week I will notice redness. If I am lucky, that will be the extent of my burn. Then, the skin will settle and return to some-kind of normal four weeks after my final treatment. I was glad to have that conversation. I'll be on the lookout next week.

Moments later, an older woman entered the waiting area. She told me her cancer story. Lucky for her, she was actually in for her last radiation and so, her cancer treatment was over. I felt so excited for her. When I came out of the radiation room (there's something to tell about that in a moment) I wanted to wish her well. I walked up to her, just a tiny detour on my way out. I wished her all the best and then there was that awkward moment. I wanted to just hold her hand but then the next thing I kissed her on the cheek. Ahhhh! What? How did that happen? It was so awkward. She leant towards me. I looked around. I went to hold her hand. She turned to the side. It was just majorly bizarre. Anyway, the husband (mine that is) made a comment because it must have looked even more awkward than it felt. For both parties? I'm not sure. But certainly for me. I felt so embarrassed. And then, as I walked out of the hospital, down to the car park, I couldn't stop thinking about the situation. How stupid. Why am I labouring over this? For goodness sakes, I kissed a woman who just went through a very scary breast cancer journey. Does it matter if we had an awkward kiss. It wasn't on the lips... I kissed a lady who had finished her cancer journey. That could never be an awkward thing. Right?

Well, the other incident occurred during the burn. To do the radiation thing the machine shoots from two angles. So, it starts on my right side. Then, the machine moves around me to position itself to burn me from the left side. Well, tonight, the machine stopped half way through! I was so scared. My heart was racing. My breath picked up pace. I wanted to scream. But who would hear me? Then the machine moved. But not completely to the other side. Should the machine mulfunciton and burn me right at that moment it would go straight through my heart. Nooooo! I waved at the camera, for a millisecond, just when the machine moved again. I kept still and allowed the machine to do its work. When the ladies returned (there are always two radiation therapists in the room), I felt so stupid. I went on to explain my fear. Guess what? She said that she saw my legs flinch and my tiny wave. I felt so exposed. Anyway, little did I know that there was another silly encounter just metres away on my way out.

The joys of being human, Oh, and here was my menu:

Breakfast: 2 fried eggs with salad

Lunch: Red curry beef mince balls with salad and a muffin

Dinner: Red curry mince balls with veggies

Snack: Muffin

All in all, a good day. I hate to get repetitive. I promise not to sign off everyday like this; but, another one down.

Radiation Therapy 7 of 30

Another rad completed.

That drive, the burn and then the drive home, at this point, is easy as. I still have not felt or seen any evidence that I am receiving the treatment. I wonder when I will? If I can remember, I will ask that question tomorrow evening.

I was so tired today. I was trying not to fall asleep before lunch! Anyway, I got in a good nap this afternoon. I fell asleep straight away. When I awoke, I had no feeling in my little finger. I had been wearing my glove. But, I know that I cannot blame it solely on the glove. This has happened before. I will continue to wear the glove, but I will certainly question the doctor and physio about this recurring incident.

When I was getting ready this morning, I noticed that the skin on my belly was all flaky. It's not dry. But, the skin is definitely peeling! I am now connecting the two. The skin peeling on my feet and the skin (although much finer) peeling on my belly must have something to do with the chemo. One of the side effects of chemo is that it makes your skin dry. I wonder how long it takes the body to fully recover from chemo?

Here's the menu for today:

Breakfast: Pancakes with berries

Snack: Banana

Lunch: Red chicken curry, sweet potato fries and broccoli

Dinner: Fried chicken and veggies

I'm off to have a rooibos. Bye!

Radiation Therapy 6 of 30

Today, I had an appointment with the doctor and the physio, before rads. And, because of those first two appointments, I had to go in during the day. To make things more interesting, I had child one and child two with me. Don't worry. I was totally prepared with colouring-in books and plenty of food. Of course, I didn't leave home without giving them a talking to about their behaviour.

I should have known that the day would not go as smoothly as I so desperately wanted. We began with seeing the doctor. I was so excited (sarcasm) when the doctor said that, I needed to have an ultrasound to check for a clot in my right arm. This was the result of my appointment with the physio. Great. I made my way to that department with the referral in my hand. It was a semi-urgent matter, the doctor said, so I was going to be seen to straight away. I looked down at both of my children, knowing that their jar of good behaviour was full; knowing however that it can all be poured out too early. I needed their cooperation. Was I asking too much? I feared that perhaps I was. My shoulders slumped when I was told that I would have to wait a half an hour for the ultrasound. For an adult, that is no big deal. An adult with two children...that was a different matter. I fought off the stress that I could feel was moving up into my neck. I decided that we would go outside and have a play on the grass.

What a wonderful idea that was. The three of us had a ball. It ended too quickly. Next thing, the we were back in the waiting room. We waited. And waited. And waited. A half an hour later (just breathe), I was called in (breathe) for the ultrasound. Child number one looked after child number two, as I endured the cold jelly on my neck and all the way down my arm. Fortunately, the ultrasound revealed what was expected. No clot. Good. I returned to the doctor.

I met with the doctor. Then, I met with the physio. I collected my glove but, not the sleeve. Apparently, my arm is too small for the sleeve to be effective. I left with the glove and a sheet explaining how it was to be cleaned. I was then off to have my rads.

A nurse (how wonderful is this?) sat with child one and two when it was my turn to go in. Nothing new happened in the dimly lit room with soft music playing. The radiographers measured, burned and then escorted me out of the room. Done. Another one down.

Tomorrow, my appointment is at a more suitable time and so, the children will not accompany me. At least now they know where I'm going each day...And, they weren't such bad company :)

As for the food, this is what I did on day 8 of my Whole30:

Breakfast: Peach and pecan scramble

Lunch: Tuna and egg salad

Dinner: Mint Pesto Chicken Stir-fry (Doesn't look great but it is so yummy!)

Snack: Date cookies

I'm so tired after this big day! It will be an early one for me.

What is this?

This afternoon, I felt out of sorts. When the family sat down to eat lunch, I decided to pass. I had no appetite at all. In fact, the very thought of food made me scrunch up my face in disgust. I opted for an afternoon nap but then, was persuaded by the husband to watch a movie. We relaxed in bed and watched a mildly humourous "comedy". The horizontal position was probably what fooled me into thinking that I was ok.

We were going to friends for dinner. So after the movie, I quickly got the children ready. That's when I got the head spins.

I have inherited unusually low blood pressure. So, for this reason, it really doesn't take much for me to feel light headed. I put it down to that. But, as we drove the half hour to our friends' place, I slunk in the passenger seat feeling weak and dizzy. What was going on? I wasn't reliving chemo side effects. It wasn't that bad. How bad was chemo? Honestly? I do not remember. It was too late to cancel and turn around now. When we arrived, I was still not myself. I plopped down on their couch and kept a low profile. It seemed that any movement sent me into a spin. I resigned to lying down. When I was in that position, I was fine. I was still able to be sociable. By the end of the evening (typical), I began to feel better. Then, when I walked out of our garage and into our dark house, I was back to normal. I don't know what that was all about.

So, what was it? Chemo dregs having fun? Surely, I am over that? My only signs of having had chemo are my patchy cheeks (they are clearing), hot flushes, weird coloured nails, odd shaped nails and the lack of hair.

I am very excited to report though, that my hair is growing!! (Totally deserves a double exclamation mark.) In fact, for the last few days, I am really struggling to wear head gear. I am just too hot. And, it's not the hot flushes. I reckon it's the hair saying, "We're back! We can do the job! You don't need the fake stuff!" I will wait until there is more coverage before a go out in public without a wig or scarf. Just when I was getting used to having no hair... Liar! I never got used to that. Grow, grow, grow!

Day six of my Whole30 saw this:

Breakfast: Leftover kangaroo rissoles on salad with mayo

Lunch: Felt too sick to eat :(

Snack: Protein shake (the husband convinced me to have this).

Dinner: Salmon and chicken on salad with sweet potato (at friends' place)

Snack: Nuts (thank you IGA for being open at 11pm). I actually purchased salted nuts; we always opt for the natural ones. I was really craving the salt though.

I don't think I have been doing rads long enough to be able to be relieved that I didn't have to go in for an appointment today. I'm sure as the weeks roll on, I will love the idea of not having to drive into the hospital for that burn session. So close to week two of rads. Nearly half way (sort of).

Rads: End of Week 1

I have finished one week of rads. It has gone so quick. Another five weeks to go. I definitely feel as though that is not a big ask. There is no evidence on my right side, as yet, that I am undergoing rad treatment. I have explained to my children that they need to be gentle with me, in anticipation of some discomfort in the coming weeks. So far, I'm good.

I woke up feeling tired, even though I had eight hours sleep. It doesn't seem as though that is going to be enough. The other thing though, is that I have not done any exercise this week. I know that that is not good. I friend, not knowing that I was keen as to do something active, volunteered to come around to do a workout and lunch with me. How cool is that? We did a great workout. Then, we ate lunch together. As I knew I would, I felt much better. Still tired of course. But, the fatigue didn't get worse as the afternoon went on.

The fatigue is not the same as that of the chemo. The chemo fatigue was heavy, coupled with not feeling well. It was like my whole body, from top to bottom, was tired. The fatigue I am experiencing now is the same that I would have if I had had a really interrupted night's sleep. I'm not sure if that correctly delineates the two. It'll do for now.

Rad appointments can be given anytime between 7am through to 9pm. Patients are given the opportunity to request a three-hour, preferred window. The most convenient time for us, which is also the least busy (I'm told) is the evening. So, tonight's appointment was late. We had a great run to the hospital, were seen to straight away and then a another great run home. No traffic, no waiting (no knitting). I must be in the DNA-damaging room for a total of five minutes. That's it. The long ride there and back is crazy considering it's for such a short appointment.

I have finished day five of my 30-day challenge. I feel as though I am doing well. Child number two has had a cold and even though I picked up a mild sore throat, I have been eating well enough for my body to fight off any further progression of the bug. Pow! Here is what today looked like:

Breakfast: Omelette with avocado and tomato as a side

Lunch: Roast Chicken, sweet potato fries and roast tomato on salad

Dinner: Kangaroo steak and rissoles on salad with mayo (so hungry I forgot to take a picture!)

Notes on this week: I am very much surprised at how fast this rad week has gone; as yet, the rad appointments are not annoying; I'm experiencing some fatigue but nothing too severe; I have managed to stay clear of any "naughty" cravings - I've fought them off with satiating protein meals.

Time to watch the next instalment of my favourite show. Adios!

Radiation Therapy 4 of 30

No sooner had I began using deodorant, in both arms, I have been told to stop. During the rads the only permitted product, to be used on the burn zone, is aqueous cream. So, it's back to one arm deodorising.

I think the fatigue has hit already. I had initially put it down to the weather but, today was another slow day. I did all the things I wanted to it's just that my energy was not where it should be. I feel a little silly admitting this. Maybe I'm tired because I was told that rads bring on fatigue. My understanding was that the fatigue comes close to the end; that it's cumulative. I don't know. Either way, I had a nap this afternoon. Tonight will not be a late one. I need to stay on top of it. Well, that's what the husband tells me.

The loss of energy is totally disempowering! I really liked (more like loved) being independent. I would never have wanted to be in a position where I would be so needy for help. For now, the days of doing everything on my own, because I am (or so I reckoned) superwoman, are gone. Will they come back? I'm sure they will, but I won't be as forceful about preserving my independence. It's actually not a bad thing; accepting other people's help. And, it doesn't reflect badly on me. I know that now. Is it fair to say that my so-called "independence" may have actually been hiding a truck load of pride? I won't be offended if the answer is yes.

Anyway, when I dropped my appointment book in at the rads desk, this evening, I was greeted by name. How good is that? I had knit three stitches when I was called in for the daily blast. It's funny...Obviously, I have to get undressed, top half only. And, when I walk to the machine (like five steps) I use a pillowcase to cover myself. As soon as I lie down the pillowcase is moved to cover my left breast. So much covering and uncovering goes on it's ridiculous. But, so considerate too. Isn't it about making it as easy on the patient as possible? Making them as comfortable as possible? I really do not believe that the staff at the hospital, when I consider all departments that I have ever had anything to do with there, could be any better. Our government really needs to be more generous with our nurses and doctors. They deserve it!

Day four of rads also marks day four of Whole30. Here's what came out of my kitchen:

Breakfast: Caesar salad

Lunch: Last night's leftovers and a muffin

Snack: Sweet potato pancakes on lettuce

Dinner: Tuna (with olive oil, no sugar) on spinach leaves, and a muffin.

Thursday night is typically our BBQ night. And, we have also made it our roo night. Roo, as in kangaroo. Yep, we eat kangaroo once a week. We try our best to track down grassfed meat. It's not easy. So, we figure that if we can guarantee a couple of meals a week that are grassfed (roo), we are better for it. Roo tomorrow.

I'm off to bed. I need eight hours sleep.

Radiation Therapy 3 of 30

I really believed that today I would be able to talk food. I was even trying out titles in my head earlier this afternoon. As it turns out, I do have something to report on radiation, so the other stuff will wait another day.

Today began as normal as any other. I have to admit though, that I did think of the Tough Bald Chicks a lot; some were having chemo for the last time, yesterday. I was reminded of the pain in my arm on the trip home, I remembered the lovely staff in daycare and I also remembered the anguish of the husband as he braced for absent-me. So, while I was happy to be past that, I knew that there were others in that position. I wish them a speedy recovery and am very excited for them to have beaten chemo.

I felt pretty lazy today. I'd like to blame that on the weather; cold and windy.

Anyway, I had a late afternoon physio appointment prior to my rads. As I have come to expect of all the staff now, the physio was so kind. I discussed, with her, the concerns I had regarding my swollen arm. She measured strategic points of both of my arms and saw a significant difference. This difference warranted weekly appointments and a sleeve and a glove. It's "prophylactic" she told me. Even though I only had four lymph nodes removed, even though I had exercised and even though I had incurred no injury (even that as small as an insect bite) to my arm, the physio was concerned that my arm was moving towards symptoms of lymphedema. And, it is likely to get worse during radiation. I will certainly look the patient with this grande bandage-type accessory. Fortunately, perhaps, for me, there was a mix up and I will not receive my cool fashion item until Monday. So, I have a weekend of freedom before I don the all-day wear. Yes, it wasn't news that I wanted to hear. But, it's no big deal really.

After the physio, I went straight through to my rads. I didn't have to wait today. I was seen to straight away. I only got one stitch in. I was looking forward to doing a little knitting. Oh well, I have 27 more chances at that... When I get into the teens I think I'll be pretty excited. Come on thirty treatments, I want to celebrate the end of this chapter.

It's the third day of my Whole30. I was really hungry this afternoon; before my physio/rads appointment. So, I made an extra meal. But, I really haven't had any cravings yet for the off-limits foods. That's real good. Having meals that fill me up are the key, I reckon, to keeping to the regime. Anyway, this was my food journey (yum!):

Breakfast: Peach and Pecan Scramble

Lunch: Leftover rissoles, salad, eggs and mayo

Extra meal: Fried chicken and tomatoes

Snack: A few almonds

Dinner: Meatballs in bolognaise with broc

Snack: Coconut bark

I learnt two things today, at the hospital. A study is currently being conducted on the benefits of doing weighted exercise while undergoing treatment for breast cancer. The study is leaning towards the result that doing weighted exercise is not a bad thing. The second new piece of information, I gained today, was that patients who experience fatigue are actually encouraged to walk. These two things are now a justification for me to keep exercising. Yeah, yeah, I won't push it but...I will exercise (even if it's light) in order to fight off the fatigue (and because I want to *folds arms and stomps feet*).

P.S.

I forgot to mention, in Monday's post, a little moment in child one's Spanish class. At the beginning of the lesson, the teacher asked the children what they were doing after class. It was soon my child's turn to answer. Here is how it went:

Teacher: And what are you doing after class?

Child #1: Going to the hospital.

Teacher: Do you know someone who is sick?

Child #1: Yes. Mum. She is having radiation. She has had chemo.

I felt really sad at that. I don't know why though. I questioned the husband, perhaps he could explain why I just had such a pain in my heart. There is understanding there, we had wanted that. But, why did I feel upset about it? I don't know. Anyway, the hope is that in a year or two, child number one will simply remember spending lots of time with friends and family. And not, the occasional visit to the hospital and certainly not the week we got the diagnosis.

Radiation Therapy 2 of 30

There is so much that I didn't get out last time I checked in. Things like, the waiting room, the staff, the tingling and some stupid thoughts of mine.

So, when a patient enters the Radiation Department they are required to hand over their appointment book to the staff and walk around to the waiting room. This wing of the hospital is all new. It's flash as. In the waiting room, patients may sit and stare at each other, chat with their BYO support person, read magazines (supplied), wash their hands with disinfectant as often as they like or knit (knitting needles and wool supplied).

My time in the waiting room allowed me to see other cancer patients undergoing treatment. This is always a great way to get some perspective on my own "troubles". There sat a man whose lips were blistered. The skin around his lips, and particularly on one side of his face, was red raw. There is no way that man is able to talk, eat, swallow, or even smile without some severe pain. I can definitely be grateful that treatment, for me, will not be debilitating. Tonight, I knit as I waited to be called in for my rads. The nurse informed me that once sufficient knitting had occurred that she sews all the pieces together. The final product is then donated to St Vincent de Paul. I felt happy to be contributing to the knitting box.

The department is so well run. Everything seems to have been considered. Tonight, the husband was able to come into the room where the rads are delivered. The radiographer explained how the laser worked and was prepared to answer any questions we threw at her. What a fortunate little Aussie I am to be receiving such top treatment!

Yesterday, when I returned home from my first treatment, I was sure that I could feel a tingling sensation in my right breast. I am told that it is not until week two of treatment that the effects are seen and felt. Is it all in my head? Am I an attention seeker? Who knows. Actually, the doctor probably could answer those questions. But, there is no way I am willing to ask. If it is in my head, I will feel pretty silly. The doctor will think I am an attention seeker. Don't want that.

As I held onto the bars (hands above head) and the laser positioned itself, for the first time, I was having reservations about doing this to my body. Would you like your breast tissue burnt? Yes, please. What was I thinking? Shall we strap you down? No thanks, I'll willingly sit still for it to happen. Is this the right thing to do? Anyway, the fact remains that as I received my treatment (although not so much today) I was wondering whether I really wanted to be burnt. Too late. I've received it. It is burning the cancer. Move on. But...

I have now completed Day 2 of my Whole30. So, the rules are, for thirty-days, no sugar, gluten, legumes, dairy or grains. This basically means nothing processed. We've been doing this as a family for eight months. We are loving the results and intend to maintain this way of eating for the rest of our lives. Here's what the family (including two children) ate today:

Breakfast: Pancakes

Snack: Coconut Bark

Lunch: Omelette

Dinner: Rissoles and veggies

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I don't mind having to drive to the hospital. It's too early to be complaining about the half hour trip. And, since the rads aren't going to be too different, (I don't think), from day to day, I might actually get to share about other stuff: the novel I am in the process of writing, being a paleo family, how I ate away cancer and raising children. See ya!

Radiation Therapy 1 of 30

We (the husband is doing it too) decided to kick off the diet with an IF (intermittent fast). That meant, no breakfast this morning. So, with an empty belly, I took child number one to their Spanish lesson.

By the time we came home, I was pretty hungry. We had a salmon and egg salad, and a muffin for dessert. Once lunch was out of the way, both children were ready for their nap. While they slept, I quickly cleaned up the house. Then, before I had a chance to think about it, we were leaving for the hospital. Today was my first radiation therapy appointment.

A friend joined me on this trip. Her role was babysitter as well as moral support. I was so distracted by our conversation, that I really didn't have a chance to panic. Thanks! Our wait was longer than I imagined but, once I was seen to it all went so quick.

While I was in the waiting room, the chair that I was to sit in was set up according to the measurements gained from the planning meeting. Moments later, I was called in and directed to lie in the chair. Three people moved about me, calling out numbers (measurements) and moving the sheet underneath me (putting me in the correct position). Soon it was clear that I was in place; a machine began to move around me. I was reassured that the movement was just to make sure that my body was not going to obstruct it in any way. I wasn't. All three people left the dimly lit room (it was a stark contrast to the blasting white lights in the waiting room) and I tried to relax myself as a familiar track played softly. Talk about attention to detail. Music was playing, just for me! I know the song but can't remember the name. It had the words, "writings on the wall". But that's not the name of it. (I have tried to google it but I can't think of any other words that will direct me to the song.) Anyway, I heard that song in its entirety and the beginning of a second. That was all the time I spent in there. It wouldn't even have been ten minutes. Before long I was getting dressed, fixing up my wig and walking out of there. One down! Twenty-nine to go...

The first three rads will last that "long". That's because I had to have an x-ray first. The x-ray is double checked with the planning appointment scan. It's obviously pretty important for all the measurements to be correct (within five millimetres is acceptable I was told). This way, the therapists can be sure that they are burning the same area. Thereafter, an x-ray will only be done once a week. So, on Thursday and Friday I can look forward to an even shorter appointment.

Between now and the next appointment, I am required to apply aqueous cream three times (but not less than an hour before the next dose). Rads dry out the skin, so this is to counteract that.

Tomorrow, my appointment is in the evening (the ideal for us). On Wednesday, I am scheduled to see a physio. How good is that?

My twelve week chemo treatment is now officially over. The only thing that I can complain about, with regard to that, is my itchy head. I think the little bit of hair that I have is getting tired of being hidden beneath the wigs.

I made it through Day 1 of my Whole30. I didn't have any cravings for anything and was happy that I was able to sustain the IF. Here are my meals:

Breakfast: IF

Lunch: Salmon and Egg Salad, and a muffin

Dinner: Red Curry (Chicken) and sweet potato fries on lettuce

It's hard to believe that I am to head back up to the hospital tomorrow. I have a parking permit this time so I will only be charged $2. I am certainly not worried about tomorrow. The veil has been lifted from the unknown.

Eve

'Twas the night before radiation...

I was feeling nervous about rads. Now, it seems, that the nervousness has disappeared. This is me. I won't be nervous now until I see the sign directing me to my appointment. Then, well, I will probably want to cry. Not out of being upset but, because I will be scared; of the unknown of course.

For the next six weeks, weights are out. I would like to think that I will still have the energy to do exercise though. Sigh.

I'm excited to be starting my Whole30 (whole9life.com/2011/06/whole-30-v4/) tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to it. While on chemo, I cheated and had gluten-free biscuits and ice-cream. So, I definitely feel that I need to dedicate a month to eating clean. After the thirty days, I will be keen to just keep going on the paleo regime, with the addition of the occasional bacon, sausages and dark chocolate. To farewell old habits I had Mark Sisson's Dark Chocolate Coconut Mousse tonight (marksdailyapple.com). Yum.

I have used my homemade laundry powder (recipe below). The clothes seemed to be clean when I took them out of the machine. Unfortunately, all of my clothes are still on the line because of the rain. Hopefully, I will be able to bring the washing in tomorrow and really examine the results. In the next batch I will definitely seek out a fragrance to add to the powder. I am on my way to a chemical-free home!

And so, the last leg of my journey begins.

LAUNDRY POWDER

4 cups borax

2 cups soap flakes (or 2 cups grated soap)

2 cups washing soda

2 cups baking soda

(essential oil optional)

Mix well.

Keep in an airtight container.

Use 1/8 cup per full load.