Monday, 12 September 2011

Radiation Therapy 15 of 30

Pins and needles, the dark square, normal hands, no more peeling and drying my hair. But where to start first, the fatigue.

It was only yesterday that I remarked here, and to the husband, that I think I am not so tired. I spoke too soon. After a morning out, I was absolutely exhausted. I invited child number one to share the bed with me and we slept all afternoon. Child number two is far too exciteable so didn't get an invitation. I slept soundly. I slept well. And, when I awoke I felt alert enough to handle the rest of the afternoon and evening.

So, for quite a while now, I get pins and needles in my fourth and fifth digits of my right hand. It's not because they are getting squashed as I sleep. In fact, I have noticed the oddness of this sensation because they were not in a position where the blood circulation was cut off. I spoke to the doctor about it and she suggested three reasons: 1) swelling is pushing on a nerve 2) chemo has affected a nerve or 3) I received nerve damage during the surgery. It's not that I'm worried. We just get told all the time that we must report anything. The pins and needles go away just like any other, with a bit of movement. At this stage, I am just to monitor it to see if it worsens. I'm thinking it's something to do with the chemo. I don't think I had it after surgery.

My dark square (I am still amazed at the straight lines), I am told, is going to get very dark. It's not red. I am so grateful for that.

Just this morning, in the shower, I noticed that my hands were't looking so weird. Since chemo, the palms of my hands were a different colour. Nothing drastic. Subtle. I've had these hands for long enough to notice the change in hue. It seems though, that my hands have returned to their normal colour. As for my feet...

My feet, which were peeling and also a different colour, seem to be getting back to normal as well.

(I am certainly painting a picture of someone who is quite strange. Dark squares, inhuman coloured hands and feet, peeling skin...)

While there were changes in my body and emotions one thing for sure has not changed, and that is my attitude towards having hair. I have not, in the least, accepted this bald state. While I don't look as strange (to myself), I desperately want hair coverage on my cold head. It's very funny actually, that most mornings I shock myself because I run my hands through my hair to discover there is none; when doing sit-ups in the dirt one session, I thought to myself, I don't mind if my hair gets dirt in it; other times, I catch my reflection and see someone who looks like me with a turban on. I have never got used to being without hair on my head. For the last month, I have had a little smile to myself every time I dry myself. I would always dry my head last because it would leave the towel with too many pieces of hair to count scattered all over, rendering the towel unusable. Even today, I was overjoyed to be able to dry my head first. Cool.

I actually created some new paleo recipes last week but was so not-in-the-mood to write that I haven't been able to post them. I'll have to get back into the swing of things.


  1. Alicia,

    I have been following your blog for a while now and I wanted to let you know that you inspire me. You are such a strong and amazing woman and I hate that you even have to go through any of this. You are in my prayers always. Your girls are gorgeous btw, they take after their momma!

    Lots of love,

  2. Hi Jill!
    Thanks for reading! I bet you've had a wonderful day. Happy Anniversary :)
    Alicia xx