Wig #1 and Chemo #2

It's funny (not ha ha) how you can do the same thing day in and day out and assume that it will be the same in a month or a year to come. As I gathered my goods at the supermarket this afternoon, I was struck by the idea that I would never have imagined that in June of 2011 I would be purchasing gluten-free crackers (a treat during chemo) whilst wearing a wig.

Remember how I said that I wasn't self-conscious of my new hair do? Well, I was totally self-conscious wearing a wig. Everytime someone looked at me I felt myself get smaller. Had my wig fallen off? Did it look ridiculous? Had the hair fallen out the wig? Was is sitting crooked? Did the hairline look odd? Had the wig slipped back and away from my forehead? How many questions can one ask one's self in five seconds? Lots apparently. I tugged and combed my fingers through my hair when I thought that no one was looking. Was I going to get used to this?

Admittedly, I was excited when I logged onto the auction site to buy a few wigs.

If you ever need a wig, look on-line for sure. You can buy brand new wigs and they are a whole lot cheaper than the shops here. Apologies to the Australian Retail Association.

Anyway, when they arrived and I put them on, I wasn't too convinced they suited. But that's it. I don't want to take the whole wig thing too serious. I can have fun with it. Right? Well, my "everyday wig" is short and not too crazy. My other two, well, they represent my adventurous side. Yes, I do have one...

My adventurous side, at the moment however, is being smashed by my "Oh-no-I'm-having-chemo-tomorrow-and-now-I-know-what-to-expect-it's-freaking-me-out!" side. I really did think that I would be so experienced (even with just one treatment) that my second session would be no big deal. Yeah, right. I am anxious. To cry, panic and react to the drugs again would not be good. Then again, it could be worse...It's best not to think about it, I reckon. So, I will go to my happy place. It's nice there :)

Just to make life more interesting, both child one and two are sick! The husband got up for them both during the night. Thanks! Child one had a fever that was so high that she was actually delirious! She was rambling on about strange things. It was scary. I have never seen anything like it in real life. I thought that only people dying of typhoid, in movies, got that ill. I refrained from dabbing her head with a cloth moistened by being dipped in a basin beside the bed; saw that in the movies too. A dose of modern medicine brought the temperature down. I am keeping up the medicine and very keen for the runny nose, coughing and sad faces to leave our home.

Tomorrow's a big day for the whole family. I have my support person and babysitter arranged. I'm ready on the outside. But on the inside? Mmm...not sure about that.

A Watched Head Never Loses Its Hair

I have pulled at my hair. Well, there you go, it's out there. I have, really. What chemo patient actually wants their hair to fall out? No. I don't want my hair to fall out, it's just that I have anticipated this moment for so long now that I want it to be over. I want my hair to fall out. I want to cry about it. But, most of all I just want to get past this hurdle.

In the last few days, I have noticed that hair seems to gather on my palm whenever I run my fingers through it. But this isn't too strange. You know what hair is like. You run your hands through, and especially if you have long hair, you can guarantee you will lose a few strands. Before my short-style-cut, I would often leave a few friends behind in the bathroom, on the car seat... The husband loves it when he finds a long, single strand of my hair on his clothes (sarcasm is so hard to convey in written form isn't it?). This hair-loss though is just one step up from that. There just seems to be a few more than usual. I was really expecting a huge clump of hair to come out. That, has not happened. It appears that my hair loss will be more gradual. Wisps of hair here and wisps of hair there. Well, I'm not having that.

I got in the shower, this morning, and decided to wash those hairs that have dislodged themselves right out. Unfortunately, my washing the hair actually jolted other hairs into a revolt. I spent way too much time in the shower, I was now late for my very important date and when I looked in the mirror I had a hairy back. Great. I dusted off as much hair as I could and sent a quick text to my buddy explaining that I would be late. I was off to meet some breast cancer friends.

My drive to our meeting place, really got me thinking about how we make friends. When I make friends, other than usually choosing healthy ones, I, like you, look for people who are like-minded; those who share the same interests. Here I was though, about to have lunch with women who have cancer. And, I was there because they wanted to meet women who had cancer. That meant me? Yes, I had a cry in the car. That cry may have been more of the little cry I had when I put a cancer-hair-loss-cap on. Actually considering it was so clear that my hair was definitely shedding, I'm surprised I didn't just melt into a teary puddle. This afternoon I was speaking with the sister-in-law who commented that children are the best distraction. And yes, when you are busy getting them ready, loading the car, driving a car, answering 1001 questions you really just don't have time to have a good cry.

Gathering with those ladies was definitely up-lifting. Hearing their fears (they are the same as mine) was soothing. There was a lot of laughter as we shared our stories. Who would think breast cancer could be so funny? Anyway, more than that I realised that my struggle is so small. I have nothing on these women!

Back to my hair. I have worn my cap all day. I put it on at 9.30am and I think I will wait for the husband to come home before I take it off.