Goodbye and Hello

Goodbye tastebuds and appetite. Hello fatigue.

When I sat at the table to have my breakfast, this morning, I was shocked that I was experiencing side effects so soon. I guess the upside is that I can get them over and done with. I could have been eating anything. The pumpkin soup had no flavour that's for sure. I forced it down. Then I had a cup of rooibos tea with five prunes (you know what that's for). It too did nothing for me. I have a strong feeling that my love for prunes will never return. Prior to cancer I loved prunes. Now, it will probably always bring back the memories of breast cancer. Who would want that? Prunes are a small price to pay to forget.

Last night, I came home to a beautiful, cooked meal with a treat too. While I was so excited about chemo being over I just couldn't show it physically. I felt absolutely exhausted! Was it the long day, with little sleep the night before? The stress of the cannula not going in until the sixth go? Or was it simply the finality of chemo; like the end of a marathon where athletes just drop to the ground? I got through the nine weeks, just. I wish I could have been more exuberant. I reckon the husband expected me to be a lot happier. But I was happy. It was just not bubbling to the surface.

Anyway, back to Day 1. It's was frustrating to think that yesterday I felt so good and then today I wake up unwell. Last time though. I was on my own with the children today. I managed the breakfast and clean up well. Then, when lunch came I got through that (I only managed to eat sliced apple with salt), hung washing, brought in washing, walked to the letterbox in a most embarrassing get-up, helped the children water all the plants with a tiny watering can (many trips to the tap of course) and watched them play for a bit. A huge day.

This afternoon I received a wonderful package from "The Pink Pamper Packs". The generosity that our family has experienced through this time has been so overwhelming! There may be more tears over that than the actual cancer. Good tears though. Thanks to so many people who have helped in different ways!

I have taken my anti-nausea and vomiting meds as prescribed. I have had two naps today. A dear friend gave me my neulasta needle, at 6.45pm. Yes, I cringed like the big baby that I am. Child number one held my hand and watched the needle go in. How did someone so brave come from me? I am very keen for a sound sleep tonight. But, as much as I want to hop into bed right now, I don't want to be up when the rest of the house is sleeping. So, I will busy myself, gently, with a few things before I hit the sack for the third time today.

I waited all day for this day to be over. I know that sounds negative, but it's how I felt. I just want to get through all of this stuff as quickly as possible. Last round I was "better" by Monday morning (Day 6). I don't mind being better before then!

Look at that chair. Never again will I have to sit there. If I wasn't feeling too fatigued I would love to do a happy dance. That will have to wait. It is coming. It's on the inside for now.

Chemo, It Wasn't Nice Knowing You

A GP told me today that 90-95% of breast cancer patients have no family history. How is it that I am nearly two thirds of the way through treatment and did not get that message? There must be so many women (and men) who believe themselves to be safe. It's worrying to think that this disease can simply pop up anywhere, anytime.

Well, tomorrow is my last chemo. I have been drinking many cups of water and have been spending far too much time in the "ladies". It's vein pumping time!

As for side effects, I am pleased to report that my two little toes seem to be through their dark days. There is no pain there at all now. The sensation in my fingernails and toenails has also disappeared. So, for this round, I have kept all twenty nails. Win. I have had lots of wins in my third round of chemo. I am prepared for an even better fight with my final chemo. Seriously, if I experience a bad run, I will be totally shocked. My expectations are high. And, usually I would want to be keeping the worst case scenario at the forefront of my mind, but that has been tossed out the window. Bring it on. Actually, I am especially wanting my adrenalin to be so high that I won't find the cannula insertion so scary. I never want to do a cannula again, after tomorrow!

My eye is still tearing. Throughout my Unbearable workout tonight (21-15-9: bear complex and crossfit pushups), I had a steady flow of tears from my left eye. My face still has a patch for each cheek (a great look thanks, Mr Chemo). But, my sore wrist seems to have subsided. Another win.

More positives include, the fact that I am feeling more comfortable with a wig. I still worry that it may reveal my non-existent side burns or slide a little to show my hair line, but I'm not as paranoid.

I've had my steroids today (chemo prep med), and will go some more early tomorrow morning. My nurse is booked in to give me the neulasta needle 24 hours after chemo. I have cleaned the house and cooked up a storm. The babysitter is ready and my mum is my chemo buddy for the last round. All I need to do is pack my bag: blood form, ID book, list of questions, gluten free treat for the two-hour chemo treatment, a bottle of water, purse, phone, lipgloss (I've got to look good for the photo upload!).

Mr Chemo, I don't mean to be a user but once you have killed all my cells (and ultimately the cancerous ones), for the last time, I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other ever again. It's not you...it's me. Actually, just bugger off!

Another Two Days

Today, I was the pathetic, irresponsible, drug-addicted mother. Too unwell to move. My head was banging. All I wanted was ice. Yep, a glass of ice cubes, please. I have always had sensitive teeth (although not so now that I am on a sugar free diet) so my desire for ice is really quite strange. For whatever reason, I did feel better sucking on cubes of ice. I kept my scarf over my eyes, that was my way of limiting any incoming messages through the senses. I felt overloaded. Yesterday, I thought I had felt miserable...this morning topped it! I wanted to cry, when I admitted that I just didn't have the ability to get up to feed the children.

Anyway, by the time 9am ticked along, I was able to get up to make myself breakfast. I wasn't hungry, but I knew that food in my belly would keep away the nausea. I got up, ate and then returned to bed.

The last two days have definitely been the toughest. The accumulative effect of chemo reared its bald and nasty head. At this point in time, I can say that my side effects have included: feeling miserable, headaches, aches and pains in my arms, slight nausea, loss of appetite, loss of taste buds, a funny taste in my mouth, menopausal moments, sore stomach, diarrhoea, irritable moods and of course, fatigue.

And, with great applause I welcome a new side effect. I have noticed some ever so slight changes in my finger nails. Throughout the treatment, so far, my nails have remained really strong. I hadn't noticed any weakening in my nails and my nails were not brittle as I was told they may become. What I have felt now though is that my nails are lifting from the nail bed. Rather than hugging my fingertips my nails are curling up and away. And, my nails just feel funny. Time will tell where that will go. Since I only have one more chemo I can hold onto the fact that I may be finishing the treatment before the nails decide to leave Fingertip Town.

By the afternoon, I was able to lay on my belly with my arms under the pillow. What a treat. Only hours before, my arms would have been too sore for that. What a simple pleasure.

Another two days are history. I wish I could say that I greeted them with excitement and anticipation of good things. The truth is, I didn't. I really just wanted them over. I should work on that, hey? Each day is a gift...blah, blah. I'll work on that.